Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

8 Comments

Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

8 responses to “Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

  1. Sarah, whenever a psychopath apologizes for anything, you know it’s not out of genuine remorse but the need for further manipulation.

  2. Absolutely Claudia. My own ex’s favourite words were I’m sorry, I love you and I dont know LOL.

  3. Lee ann

    Very well written Sarah. Psychopaths and the like have no remorse, no conscience, no empathy – “sorry” is just an empty word to them. They hurt people repeatedly and actually enjoy watching them writhe in pain. “Draining” is the most befitting word that explains the so-called “relationship” with these types. We have to truly wake up and smell the coffee, and realize our own self-worth and that we deserve better. Never feel sorry for psychopaths/ sociopaths/ narcissists/ borderlines! Keep up these great write-ups!

    • Judy Zag

      “I bow my whole being to you Sarah!” Lord bless your heart, and SOUL. I’m still petrified of my ex. Been disabled since Feb 12, 99. I’d really like to thank you for opening up my eye’s for even if it’s one night of peace knowing I’ll live another day and with pride.

      I can now understand what, why, and who he really is. It really made my hair stand up on my neck reading EXACTLY WHAT HE IS! Thank you my friend.

      Thank you for my session of realization.. :)

  4. Susan

    thank u for this, i was married to a narcissists for 28 years,separated 5 years, he destroyed my whole human worth and our children’s, he has done everything in his power to upset us since we found out about his affairs, he has had strings of relationships since but now seems settled with a woman who seems to be well able for him, he doesn’t bother with his own children, he has left a trail of destruction behind him. Shows no remorse, this has had a terrible effect on my elderly parents also who treated him as a son. He came from very dysfunctional family, his dad was a total alcoholic and gave his mum (lovely woman) a horrible life, knew the min i met him that there was something not quite right, something off but couldn’t put my finger on it cause he made himself out to be SUPER, we came from completely different backgrounds, (don’t mean to b a snob) my family were very well to do, he told me that he had picked me out and knew he would marry me. I was a 18 when we met, now looking back I gave up my life for him and threw me and our 3 children on a rubbish heap to rot, he didn’t give a hoot, taken years to get over this and still coming to terms with it, don’t understand till the day i die how anyone could be so inhuman, have read alot in the last year about his condition and has helped so thank u again, wish u well, Susan O’Brien

  5. Miles Mackenzie

    I to feel that this is very realistic of the relationship I’ve just come it of. I met her 9 months after a divorce and was a very broken man after years of being cheated on. She saw how hurt and damaged I was after the breakup of my marriage and was there all the time in the beginning and fixed a broken man. Them she started and the lies and mistruths she told other about me to get the attention of others and her parents. After the break I was told by one of her family friends that she had been sectioned and some truths about her past where told that were very different from what she had told me. One thing on top of what I have read is that she now believes her lies and as over I feel very hurt, having a number of questions I would like answers to but will now never get. I will say that joint friends and even a number of hers have stayed in contact with me because they are tired of her lies and rubbish she come and came out with and they now me very well and know none of it was true. I do really hurt as she fixed my broken heart and I loved her with all my heart but she self destructed and ruined us with her condition which she never shared with me.

  6. DMW

    I was married to a covert abusive narcissist for 23 years and then dated a sociopath for several months after out divorce. My ex husband never said he was sorry or if he did it was, “I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said.” My sociopathic boyfriend said he was sorry a lot. It felt real to me because my ex husband never said it, and when my boyfriend said it, he said,”I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” which is what I was desperate to hear for 23 years from my ex husband. When we broke up, he said he was sorry that he hurt me and then later asked me not to interfere in his new relationship that started within a couple of weeks of our breakup. I didn’t know he was a sociopath at the time, but I was calling him on his stuff and was not a good narcissistic supply for him anymore, and he didn’t want me to tell his new “supply” who he really was. So saying I’m sorry for him, I guess, was at the beginning to not lose me as his “supply”, and at the end was so I wouldn’t interfere with his new “supply.” I’m so done with all that. No more personality disordered partners for me.

  7. Brad

    I just recently had the worst experience with somebody I now know as having npd and having the same issues. I am a well-dressed, nice guy who gets along with everybody and started dating a neighbor who did horrible things to me…said she wanted to date me and within two days of dating, after doing numberous things for her (taking her kids to daycare, giving her rides to work, telling her how pretty she is), I went over to her house later that night to find her doing cocaine with a girlfriend and two guys…at the end of the night she said she had to work in the morning, I knew she was lying because she kept following him outside and wanted to take a bath at 4 am (?), yet would not let me even be in her apartment to wait for her, instead asking me to leave…I caught her that morning with the guy on her porch and her walking out, saying “that was some good ****”…tore me up inside (there’s way more to this, and she was a horrible liar and even when she knew she was lying she continued to follow through on the lie)…a week later she comes in “apologizing” (I know now this was another ploy to keep me around), but later that night began her same antics…I went over to her house later, hoping she would go to a pool party we were invited to and salvage a hope for a better person (I wanted to believe she could be a good person), when she broke a window by banging on it while I was leaning forward to talk with her…cut my forehead, glass went in my eye, immediately bleeding. Scared that I was seriously hurt, she again never apologized or even wanted to see if I was okay…funny thing is she was a mess (car broke down, getting kicked out of her apartment, two kids from two different deadbeat guys) and I was willing to try and help her straighten her life out…I realize now she never cared and only wanted to hurt me…it took me almost two months to deal with the fact somebody who could be so charming at first could turn out to be such an bad person…again, this is the short version, it was waaaay worse than I even just told you…what really tore me up was her simply discarding me for other opportunities to find some new victim, that she never cared or wanted to simply say a heartfelt sorry…just thought I would share my nightmare that happened only a couple months back :)

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