Losing is sometimes better than winning

 

This blog has primarily been about psychopathic/narcissistic personalities although recently I have been concerned not so much about the pathology but the way in which people manipulate.

 

Dr George Simon talks about the Aggressive pattern in his new book Character Disturbance. These aggressive types are split into a number of different patterns – The Unbridled Aggressive, The Channelled Aggressive, the Sadistic, the Predatory aggressive, The Mistrusting (Paranoid), and the Covert aggressive.

 

For the purpose of this article I shall be talking about the Covert Aggressive. Dr George Simon describes these types are the archetypal manipulators. They are not open in their aggressive intentions and do their best to keep the behaviour hidden under a mask. He describes their tactics as accomplishing two objectives

 

1. The tactics effectively play on the sensitivities, vulnerabilities and conscientiousness of others (especially neurotic individuals). The other persons then go unconsciously on the defensive (i.e. retreating mode) This quashes all potential resistance.

2. The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. The other persons have little objective evidence that the covert-aggressive is intending to take advantage of them. Instead of trusting their “gut” instincts, the other persons question themselves and get hoodwinked.

 

Dr George Simon describes the world according to the aggressive characters as only having four possible outcomes.

 

1. I win, you Lose
2. You win, I lose
3. I win, You win
4. I lose, you lose

 

Since their sole modus operandi is to ensure that they always win choosing option 1 is their first choice, if they do happen to lose they wont go down without a fight. If they see someone else who appears to be “winning” they may try to take you out at the earliest convenience. Alternatively, if by some chance they lose and get taken down they will ensure they take you down with them. It’s also one of the reasons why they see others who wish to win as a threat.

 

As I have mentioned earlier Psychopaths display any or all of the above aggressive patterns, it’s often one of the reasons why psychopaths stalk victims long after the relationship is over as a way of getting one over on their victims. Its their way of saying “You may think you have won but not until I have finished with you”.

 

Aggressive personalities and psychopaths also have a way of being able to spot neurotics weaknesses extremely easily.

 

Often neurotics do not trust our gut instincts and recently I had the misfortune of dealing with what can only be described as a covert-aggressive.

 

Its worth mentioning that just because we have got rid of a psychopath or narcissist in our lives it doesn’t necessarily mean we wont ever bump into another disordered character again either in relationship or in the workplace. Armed with better knowledge in educating ourselves how to spot them before they spot us, we also need to learn how to better deal with them in the future if we are put in a situation where me may possibly get victimized.

 

Prior to the recent run in with the covert aggressive personality which prompted this article, when I first met them my immediate reaction was to put my guard up to protect myself. However as time went on, over a period of months I started to think that maybe I was judged them too harshly and let my guard down a little. It goes back to the old adage that neurotics want to see the good in everyone but occasionally we still get blinded by their façade. As Dr Robert Hare commented in I am Fishhead often it can take months for people’s true character to be exposed and even so-called experts still get find themselves being manipulated.

 

Without going into detail about what happened, I was left in a no win situation and had to choose whether or not it was worth fighting or end up being victimized. Needless to say my gut instincts proved to be spot on or I wouldn’t be writing this article.

 

Dr George Simon talks about different ways of handling these people in the workplace in this article  . Unlike aggressive personalities I tend to be the one that always backs down but this time although I stood my ground and not wanting to be victimized I chose to “Accept the risk, and if necessary, be prepared to leave “

 

I may have “lost” in their eyes but for my own emotional well-being I felt I made exactly the right decision. It might have been a risky decision for me but I was fortunate enough to not have to rely on one particular income. Sometimes we have to realize that no matter what we do others will stop at nothing in order to win. If protecting my emotional wellbeing, and not getting victimized  again makes me a loser then I I’d rather be a loser anyday

 

As Dr Simon says “If you’re prepared to deal with the risks involved, you might just find that seeking a new opportunity is the best move you ever made.”

 

For anyone who has ever been out with a psychopath or narcissist the best thing we can ever do is leave them, and avoid all contact.  The same applies to dealing with those displaying covert aggressive behaviour.  Often what appears to be the hardest choices at the time are sometimes the best. In this case backing down and leaving is almost certainly the best thing I could have done. Not only do I have peace of mind without all the head-games anymore I now have more free time on my hands to start working on my new book, details coming soon.

 

 

 

 

Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again”

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done”

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

Say Thank you to the Psychopath

Over the last few months I have been filling in the blanks of my relationship with the man I describe in the book called Dark Souls. It will be 2 Years in January 2012 since I have had no contact apart from being stalked occasionally and also found a few more shocking things about them since I wrote the book.

During this time I have been busy recouping some of my finances, writing my blog, doing the website and Youtube videos, getting myself a new part time job along with coaching and acupuncture work to pay off all the debts I was left with.

Along with all the practical things I have had to do that such as running a business, moving house and looking after a family along with more tedious things like constantly having to change email address phone numbers and so on I have remained resolute and firm and not given up.  Occasionally I thought I would fold and surrender under the pressure. I have also had to rebuilt my self esteem from the bottom up and totally changed the way I do relationships both with friends, family and colleauges.  I have learnt to set strong boundaries that may never have existed before and learn finally to say NO.

In some ways I am a different person to the person I was when I first met him. If someone had asked me how I could have had the strength and energy to get through all the challenges I have over the last two years, the moving, changing jobs, dealing with constant email hacking, stalking, working, looking after my two children I would have replied “I can NEVER  do it”  How wrong I was.

In some ways I’d like to think that as a result of what happened I am now a more stronger improved version of the woman I thought this man had fallen in love with. Despite the scars and the pain of what happened to me it has given me the strength to become wiser and stronger. Its because of that strength I have been inspired to write and help others too.

I am currently writing my second book which I hope to have finished by Spring 2012 (work permitting) about moving on which will fill in some of the gaps that were missing in the first book.  Itwill give more hope to victims of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Hope that there is a better life at the end of the relationship, whether you have been dating them, married or grown up with them as family members.

Many people email me saying how will they ever get over the relationship? How will they ever get over the hurt and pain and the betrayal ? how will they ever trust again?. Time again victims berate themselves for having taken their disordered partners back into their lives in the hope they might change or of trying to understand them and then find that they are back to square one having to endure the pain all over again. They start to doubt their own sanity, question their own reality and underneath it all, deep down, they still want the Psychopath or sociopath to reciprocate by understanding how their callous actions affected us their victims. All of which is to no avail because the Psychopath can never see what they have done wrong because in their eyes they are perfect and you were just a target or a source of narcissistic supply.

Whenever I have what I call a down day I try to look at the positives. I meditate or play some upbeat music and remain thankful for all the positive things in my life.  For example the fact that I recently managed to take my son on holiday abroad and that I have a new part time job I really love along with my other work. I remind myself daily that I am healthy and happy.

In my darkest days I am constantly looking for ways to lift me up and inspire me and raise my vibration higher.  This inspires me to never be drawn back into the darkness ever again.

In my spare time I make dance music and composed a whole album called the Phoenix whilst I was writing Dark Souls . All of my music has no words but often when we hear words in a track it gives it a whole new meaning.

Today I found this tune which is by a band called VNV Nation which stands for Victory Not Vengeance. Often as targets or victims of psychopaths its hard not to become bitter and vengeful and to remain in a place of grace despite some of the DISgraceful things they do to us.

This track reminds us that despite everything sometimes it pays to remain in Gratitude even to Psychopath.

Whether or not the song had the same meaning when they wrote it I have no idea, but I know this will be my Anthem for the coming months whilst I finalise my second book.

For many of us its hard to find closure but the closure comes from within in a place in our hearts and our minds where we may not necessary “forgive and forget”  but we accept what’s happened.  However despite all the challenges perhaps if it were not for the Psychopath in our lives we would never be able to be inspired to be capable of doing some of the things we do because through our supposed weakness and vulnerability the psychopath leaves us with no choice but to either surrender or come back stronger than ever !  In my case I chose the latter.

Whether or not you think your psychopath or sociopath or toxic abuser is worthy of gratitute is really neither here nor there – because at the end of the day after we have healed its how we feel inside that counts.  Like the song says

“And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.”

They may not deserve our gratitude and they will never understand or care what they did was wrong and the fact that they will never “get it” doesn’t matter really!

The fact that we DID “get it” and got rid of them does ! and for that we should be eternally grateful.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.

The lyrics are below

Artist’s Website: http://www.vnvnation.com/

Lyrics:
It is not love,
If love is cold to touch.
It is not belief,
When there’s nothing there to trust.

Could not submit,
Would never bring myself to heel.
Determination grows,
As each truth’s revealed.

Torn and repaired,
Just to endure it all again,
Without a reason,
For my place in all this pain.

The well-concealed,
The scars they just compound,
Until there’s nothing left,
Of what was my former self.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.

Sometimes I wish,
That you could see me now,
In the rightful place,
Where I knew that I belonged.

Sometimes I wish,
That you might someday understand,
And close a chapter,
And lay to rest the past.

But nothing would change,
We make the best of what we have,
For we are measured,
By the actions of our lives

We bide our time,
Let the future unfold,
Like immortals,
In great legends to be told.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

To all who stood with me,
When we stood as one,
Thank you for guiding me,
For bringing me home.

And if it seems that I’m,
Obliged to say these words,
I write this in gratitude,
The least that you deserve.

Why we end up as crazy as the psychopath

I recently came across a review on Amazon about Dark Souls suggesting that I showed many of the personality disorder traits that I talk about in the book. I have also been criticised for the way the book is disjointed and unorganised. In some ways it’s a reflection of the way in which my mind was at the time the relationship ended. A few months after publishing I was re-treated for post traumatic stress. Often post traumatic stress doesn’t appear immediately and can come up when you least expect it. At the time of writing Dark Souls I felt as if I was on a mission to make sure that no one would ever have to go through what I had. Perhaps in hind site I should have taken more time to recover before writing the book and exposing myself in such an open and honest way.

When I first read the review I wasn’t upset I was actually in agreement. Because at the time I was feeling crazy. In the past based on my old belief systems I would have honestly took myself back the counsellor and said “Am I crazy” only to be told yet again that there was nothing wrong with me.

When we stay with these people we are left feeling and often acting pretty much as crazy as the people we have been in relationship with. Many psychopaths find victims and targets who are empaths. Empaths tend to have no boundaries whatsoever and without knowing what’s happening to us we may be inclined to literally take on their unowned feelings and start to think they are our own. I have had many emails from women and men saying that during the relationship they have done things they would have never done before. Often they will act totally out of character.

For example my natural state is quite calm and placid and yet whilst I was with this man I was very angry. At one point during the relationship I think I actually felt rage and yet I have never felt this kind of emotion in my life. Yet the moment I was away from him for any length of time that anger soon disappeared. Having left him now for over 18 months I am happy, calm and have none of the feelings I described in Dark Souls that I had whilst I was with him. I no longer feel the need to act out in ways I would have done in the past.

I am also reliably informed that I do not have any personality disorder by my counsellor just a history of being around far too many disordered people throughout my life that led me to a very unhealthy belief system about myself..

Years ago when I first went for counselling it was suggested to me that someone very close to me was a borderline personality. I tried to explain that when I was around them I felt and acted crazy. The counsellor said that when you are around borderlines bits of their personality appear to jump off onto the victim. They asked me how I felt when I was away from them. I had to think for a second as I had been with them for many years and I replied “Actually I feel great, I don’t feel unhappy or crazy”.  For those of you who haven’t experienced the joys of living with a borderline and who aren’t an empath the following article gives you an idea of the kind of crazy making behaviour that one has to deal with.  Whether your with a borderline, a narcissist or a psychopath, if your an empath your likely to take on their stuff and may well not be able to separate out your own personality from theirs.

 

I recently received one of many emails I get daily from an empath who said the following”

 

“I know that I started to take on his traits during the relationship and did MANY things that were totally against the real person that I was.  He pulled me so deep into his disorder and screwed up thinking and behavior that I was not me anymore.  I guess they want US to be like THEM so that they can believe they are “okay” if we are also doing and saying the things they are.  I would be embarrassed to tell people the things I did when I was with him.  Fortunately, my close, longtime friends and coworkers (who also know my ex) all know that I was conned and manipulated and lied to the entire time.  They knew me “before” the relationship and they knew him “before” the relationship and, well, now he has no friends left from that circle of people.  He has alienated all of them.  Thank God I was a good person with integrity and credibility before him.  It served me well afterward.” 

Sadly its left up to us “crazy” victims to educate ourselves and empower ourselves because the psychopathic personality will never once question whether or not they are crazy and in the meantime until people wake up they will happily spend their time projecting their own insanity on the rest population.

Re-traumatising and PTSD

(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality . You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect for yourself and self-love and most people decide if they have had proper counselling that they will never come have this type of relationship again.

When it comes to future dating If you have never been able to spot the warning signs of the beginnings of what could be a relationship based on power and control you learn those too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.

There are many many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath and do people really understand the impact of how the relationship has really affected their victims?

Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy and being such charming convincing characters it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissists side questioning the sanity of the victim.

Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them or the fact that they bump into someone in the street that looks like their abuser. If a victim has a history of attracting abusive types throughout their life then the  victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome whereby if the victim feels they want to tell the therapist something the feel the therapist wont believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like “Well you should be happy, after all think of all the positives” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they”. “Think how lucky you are to be rid of xx”

A small trigger like the above is easier for the victim to deal with but what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath. Say for example you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hyper vigilant and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they could have before. so when another abusers slips through their radar they victim will immediately blame themselves and say things like “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming” Why because the person doing it is a psychopath and they can trick any con anyone. Even with the best tools in the work experts get conned by these people day in day out. Like myself my friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist on the other hand may just poo poo it and think its just another trigger.

Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.

The event that happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person but this particular situation had sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person decided to prescribe her anti depressant. As a result of her interactions with the therapist when she eventually went back for counselling she decided to tell the therapist she was OK and that nothing was wrong.

Nothing could be further from the truth but what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hyper sensitive” or “reactionary”.

I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victims old pattern and not even understand this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with being  re-traumatised and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.

Notice I use the term target as psychopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them

As a result the target feels helpless and victimized again and although like any normal person they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences they  are left with a couple of options.

1) sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same I.e. other victims/targets. This can be OK but sometimes this can prolong the healing especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again which they don’t want to or

2) share their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again least of all the victim may have met psycho number xxx Or

3) to internalize it and to try to go figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again and deal with it the best way they can.

The third option is OK IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place but what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough. The victim is back to square one and may have to start their healing all over again.

My hope is that one day therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run ins with the odd narcissist which although unpleasant enough in itself is compared to the psychopath pretty easy to spot and a walk if the park to some degree. However few if any have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist..

Having had more than a few run ins with psychopaths when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realised that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. It was a colleague who finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims or those who are psychopaths who might think they are buying a book that will teach that some new tricks.  Sadly for them my book is to empower victims of psychopaths not the other way round.

The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour but very few therapists on the other hand understand psychopathic behaviour at all unless they have worked directly with them or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.

There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimized by these people so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery.  My advise to anyone seeking help if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath is to make sure you seek someone who understands their disordered personality and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.

Introduction

I have decided to finally move all the posts and articles from the book site and Waking you up so that people can comment on them.

In this blog you will find articles and posts on psychopaths and narcissists and other personality disorders and random musings about the type of things you might experience in a toxic relationship.  More importantly the blog contains valuable tools to enable targets to get away from their disordered partners and to share their stories.

About us

Welcome to www.wakingyouup.wordpress.com.  This blog contains articles and post from my book site www.darksouls-thebook.com and other articles from authors such as George Simon and Sarah Tate from our website www.waking-you-up.com.

 

We are all committed to educating people about character disturbed personalities in particular psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths and those more predatory types who intentionally go out to con an manipulate people.

 

Feel free to share your stories and comment.

Sarah Strudwick