Looking in the Mirror
One of the things I talk about in Dark Souls is the need for victims to look within themselves at the reasons why they attracted psychopaths or narcissists into their lives. Many books talk about how to spot them but few talk about why psychopaths may target certain types of people more than others.
At the moment there is a big shift in consciousness whereby psychopathic corporations are being exposed all over the world. Conscious, empathic, aware individuals are finally starting to wake up to the reality that a small minority of psychopaths really do run the majority of the planet. One thing is clear though – its through our own collective “enabling” of these psychopathic individuals that we have managed to end up in the position whereby our savings, houses are livelihoods are now in jeopardy.
Any kind of psychopathic organisation is unable to spin their web of lies without a willing group of followers who are able to make it all believable.
When it comes to a one on one relationship with a psychopath it becomes a more personal affair but it is also there to mirror something deep in our own psyche that we may not wish to look at. Often we will hear of stories where people have been in relationship with these predators and its taken years before anyone if ever believes the victims. The psychopath has managed to con an manipulate so many people around them for so long they convince others that the target is insane or crazy.
Someone once said to me many years ago that when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need in our lives it’s the universes’ way of clearly saying that we no longer need that person in our lives anymore and making way for something better to come along.
We all want to see the good in people and when we spot the red flags we know deep down that the psychopath or sociopath is not all they are cracked up to be. We know that image they are portraying in the mirror is flawed but we want to make it all right. The distorted projected image that they reflect back to us is that of someone who is kind, empathic, loving, hard-working (fill in the blanks). However, underneath the mask the psychopathic personality inherently flawed without ANY of these characteristics.
So why are our own mirror images of ourselves flawed and what it is about ourselves that is attracted to them in the first place?
Many (not all) of the people who have contacted me for coaching or read my book Dark Souls come from a background of abuse and neglect of their own emotional needs. They come with an unconscious feeling that they may not be worthy of being loved by another kind, loving person. The hook between the psychopath and the empathic person is that we see something in them that is inherently flawed in them, but at the same time is inherently flawed in us. I am not necessary talking about victims all suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder since many of the people who have contacted me have grown up with parents who are narcissists but have also spent their lives trying not to be like them but this “flaw” is often inherently wired in our systems as a result of our upbringing and projections from parents or spouses and its one of the hooks that psychopaths love. An example of this is that we may be inherently bad, worthless, (fill in the blanks) all of which is totally unconscious and none of which is true.
What better way for a psychopath to get someone sucked in that, in their eyes, they see as the same as them. In the eyes of the psychopaths eye they believe they have met their match. A mirror image of themselves. They see all the other things about us “the good bits” as being things they want in themselves! The irony is that when they meet us they soon start to realise that they have none of our other characteristics, kindness, empathy, ability to work hard, having a conscious and so on because they are just hard-wired to win and abuse people. This is when they start to get angry and want to punish us for being something they can never be.
When they realise that we aren’t evil or “like them” and can’t help them out or have run out of things they can steal off us which is why so many psychopathic corporations thrive based on them working together they see this as a flaw and use this against us to try to exert power and control over us so they can win. As Dr George Simon puts it.
“You win I win, You lose I win, I win You Lose
and finally I lose, You Lose”
Whis is the main reason they try to hurt us so badly when we stand up to them or walk away.
Why we end up helping each other
When the relationship is over, we as targets, end up realising that these psychopathic predators are not what they seem either, and that their image of themselves is cracked and flawed as our own. We reason that there is no good in there that we so wanted to believe in and realise that all of the other faulty characteristics we believed about ourselves such as not being worthy of having kind loving relationships are all wrong. When we are prepared to look at our own flaws we are able to repair that broken mirror that was flawed in the first place and bring back the shine we once had before we were tainted by these psychopathic characters.
In some ways it’s a bit like a symbiotic relationship the same as it was when it was toxic. The psychopath in our lives is there to help us to be authentic and expose our own vulnerabilities and teach us to be who we really are. We learn how to become our true selves and how to love ourselves properly. What they give us is a gift of authenticity.
We are then obliged to do give the same gift back to the psychopath. Like the psychopth who studies us, using our weaknesses against us, we educate ourselves, learn about their disorder and we end up dumping or leaving the psychopath/narcissist or Sociopath in our lives. Each one of us reflecting back that part of us in ourselves which no longer serves us.
The psychopath is then left having to be their real authentic selves too i.e. a dark empty shell. They are left with a reflection of themselves they no longer like which is why they will never look in the mirror or change themselves. They will never look at their own flaws and will continue to spend a lifetime searching for more shiny mirrors in the hope that we’ll reflect something back to them that was never there in the first place.
I leave you with a poem I wrote to my ex a few years when he was supposed to have cancer which turned out to just one of his many lies. I realise now I was writing it to myself and that the cancer is an analogy for the Dark Souls in our lives.
tis another year on and our dreams are all shattered
All that we hoped for and all that had mattered
my eyes are still sore from crying rose-coloured tears
you now face your own demons as i have faced my own fears
that cancers a fu**er it will keep on returning
if you don’t pull out its root that lies in your heart yearning
I’m not talking about me or some lover or wife
I am talking about you, what you want in your life
its much easier to forget to just get on and do
numbs the brain and the senses and our soul too
so i found you a mirror that was special and good
it was tucked in the cellar and carved in oak wood
its hidden for years in a dusty old room
it holds answers to secrets you never dreamed could
when you look in the mirror tell me what do you see
is it you, or you children, your wife, or is it me
I think none of the above because the view isn’t clear
it’s just smeared with anger and guilt and fear
pull the cloth from your pocket and start to erase
all the smears on the mirror and start clearing the haze
as you wipe away layers of dirt built over time
you will fight back the tears as you clean off the grime
Your fingers are hurting your can’t rub anymore
you’ll leave it for now there’s a knock at the door
Oh “I’ll deal with it later” you say to yourself
no one cares about that old mirror put it back on the shelf
but you can’t do that ***** its too special to leave
the woods starting to rot and it needs air to breath
the mirror is tarnished you must do it in time
it takes forever to polish and bring back the shine
then you will look in the mirror it will all become clear
with each rub of the cloth you have faced all your fear
As you look in the mirror you see only YOU
no kids, no lover, no wife – my god what will you do
Say hello to yourself for the first time in years
don’t mess up the mirror again with your tears
it’s a special mirror that needs nurture and care as do you
if you look after it well it will be honest and true
it will reflect all your dreams and hopes and fears
but the maintenance polish is not your own tears
its only small ***** not much bigger than a locket
if you keep it with you always it will fit in your pocket
just remember to look after it as I try to do
and it will always be kind to you and let you be YOU