Category Archives: character disturbance

Losing is sometimes better than winning

 

This blog has primarily been about psychopathic/narcissistic personalities although recently I have been concerned not so much about the pathology but the way in which people manipulate.

 

Dr George Simon talks about the Aggressive pattern in his new book Character Disturbance. These aggressive types are split into a number of different patterns – The Unbridled Aggressive, The Channelled Aggressive, the Sadistic, the Predatory aggressive, The Mistrusting (Paranoid), and the Covert aggressive.

 

For the purpose of this article I shall be talking about the Covert Aggressive. Dr George Simon describes these types are the archetypal manipulators. They are not open in their aggressive intentions and do their best to keep the behaviour hidden under a mask. He describes their tactics as accomplishing two objectives

 

  1. The tactics effectively play on the sensitivities, vulnerabilities and conscientiousness of others (especially neurotic individuals). The other persons then go unconsciously on the defensive (i.e. retreating mode) This quashes all potential resistance.
  1. The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. The other persons have little objective evidence that the covert-aggressive is intending to take advantage of them. Instead of trusting their “gut” instincts, the other persons question themselves and get hoodwinked.

 

Dr George Simon describes the world according to the aggressive characters as only having four possible outcomes.

 

      1. I win, you Lose
      2. You win, I lose
      3. I win, You win
      4. I lose, you lose

 

Since their sole modus operandi is to ensure that they always win choosing option 1 is their first choice, if they do happen to lose they wont go down without a fight. If they see someone else who appears to be “winning” they may try to take you out at the earliest convenience. Alternatively, if by some chance they lose and get taken down they will ensure they take you down with them. It’s also one of the reasons why they see others who wish to win as a threat.

 

As I have mentioned earlier Psychopaths display any or all of the above aggressive patterns, it’s often one of the reasons why psychopaths stalk victims long after the relationship is over as a way of getting one over on their victims. Its their way of saying “You may think you have won but not until I have finished with you”.

 

Aggressive personalities and psychopaths also have a way of being able to spot neurotics weaknesses extremely easily.

 

Often neurotics do not trust our gut instincts and recently I had the misfortune of dealing with what can only be described as a covert-aggressive.

 

Its worth mentioning that just because we have got rid of a psychopath or narcissist in our lives it doesn’t necessarily mean we wont ever bump into another disordered character again either in relationship or in the workplace. Armed with better knowledge in educating ourselves how to spot them before they spot us, we also need to learn how to better deal with them in the future if we are put in a situation where me may possibly get victimized.

 

Prior to the recent run in with the covert aggressive personality which prompted this article, when I first met them my immediate reaction was to put my guard up to protect myself. However as time went on, over a period of months I started to think that maybe I was judged them too harshly and let my guard down a little. It goes back to the old adage that neurotics want to see the good in everyone but occasionally we still get blinded by their façade. As Dr Robert Hare commented in I am Fishhead often it can take months for people’s true character to be exposed and even so-called experts still get find themselves being manipulated.

 

Without going into detail about what happened, I was left in a no win situation and had to choose whether or not it was worth fighting or end up being victimized. Needless to say my gut instincts proved to be spot on or I wouldn’t be writing this article.

 

Dr George Simon talks about different ways of handling these people in the workplace in this article  . Unlike aggressive personalities I tend to be the one that always backs down but this time although I stood my ground and not wanting to be victimized I chose to “Accept the risk, and if necessary, be prepared to leave

 

I may have “lost” in their eyes but for my own emotional well-being I felt I made exactly the right decision. It might have been a risky decision for me but I was fortunate enough to not have to rely on one particular income. Sometimes we have to realize that no matter what we do others will stop at nothing in order to win. If protecting my emotional wellbeing, and not getting victimized  again makes me a loser then I I’d rather be a loser anyday

 

As Dr Simon says “If you’re prepared to deal with the risks involved, you might just find that seeking a new opportunity is the best move you ever made.”

 

For anyone who has ever been out with a psychopath or narcissist the best thing we can ever do is leave them, and avoid all contact.  The same applies to dealing with those displaying covert aggressive behaviour.  Often what appears to be the hardest choices at the time are sometimes the best. In this case backing down and leaving is almost certainly the best thing I could have done. Not only do I have peace of mind without all the head-games anymore I now have more free time on my hands to start working on my new book, details coming soon.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under character disturbance, covert agressives, dark souls, Dr George simon, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

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Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

Something fishy is going on

It’s interesting how many people have seen the word psychopath/ sociopath floated around and yet they still don’t have a clue what one.  Chances are they have met one, or may have even been staring one  in the face at some point in their lives and yet  because they haven’t had “direct” experience of one that its “none of their business”   Its a bit like the three wise monkey Syndrome.
They may read books from targets of psychopaths like mine with an amount of intrigue and interest and feel a certain amount of empathy especially if they have been on the receiving end themselves.  Some may even say things like “she had it coming, why was she so stupid” and yet the general population are being manipulated by psychopaths every single day of the week without even knowing it!  The problem is that so many psychopaths have felt so invincible for so long they thought they could get away with things without anyone noticing.
Its only recently that the whole picture has finally fitted into place for me.
Years ago I used to work on the equivalent of Wall Street in London.  I worked for a small american firm of stockbrokers just at the height of the feel good period when analysts and brokers made six figure salaries and spent their extended lunch hours entertaining possible clients, plying them with drinks and recreational drugs like cocaine.

Before I even knew what the word psychopath meant, in those days  it was a case of “if you can’t beat them join them” and I certainly didn’t have any inclination to become an “arse kissing“ sheep.  With this kind of mentality the new “golden boy” boss who had been appointed above me didn’t like my attitude and took my decision to leave of my hands  by selectively making me redundant whilst I was pregnant.  That was over twenty years ago.  My gut feeling back then was he couldn’t be trusted and was just motivated by his own agenda. He was later fired in an overseas post for fraud.
It was during that time that I realised at least that the banking system was “broken” and that some people weren’t quite what they seemed.  Despite what happened I felt like I was given a gift of freedom and  decided to go and work for myself doing a totally different job taking out a loan and retraining as an acupuncturist.  I knew I would earn far less that I ever could in the banking industry by my conscience was clear and I was doing something worthwhile.  It resulted in my husband at the time leaving because I’d been the main breadwinner beforehand and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t motivated by money.

Although I certainly wasn’t rich, It wasn’t until years later that I had the run in with Mr Dark Soul after building up a relatively comfortable life that  I had a “direct experience” that would affect my life emotionally and financially forever.

Today I was watching a film called “I am Fishead” with contributions by Robert Hare and Dr Babiak, both experts on psychopathy.  The film explores the correlation between psychopaths and those who have become almost sociopathic by enabling their behaviour.  It’s an excellent film and comes up with a few solutions including why we have become so apathetic.  It also explains why those who see evil around us now should speak up and say no and  mot stick our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn’t exist.  We all need to start taking responsibility for our own part in this psychopathic world that we live in were Wall Street bankers and the like have robbed millions of people of their hard-earned cash and homes and where corruption thrives in the system like a virus.

It goes on to say that “its our job to help amplify your silent voice and its your job to take action and say this is wrong!….So imagine that the most charismatic handsome person looks you in the eye and says you can “save the world” … The advantage of being in a “herd” is that when as few as 5-6 per cent the population becomes aware of danger nearly EVERYONE becomes aware. How close are we to the 5-6 per cent and what will YOU do?”

Many victims of psychopaths and sociopaths have kept silent for far too long.  Those like myself who decided to speak up and educate people about them haven’t done it because it was fun or to get revenge on our exes.  On the contrary, the amount of headache I have had by merely putting up the website and dealing with stalking from my psychopathic ex alone would be  enough to put anyone off wanting to even bother writing a book in the first place. Let alone finding time to do posts in my spare time when I am not working to pay off the bills I was left with.

What motivated me to write these posts and the book and get the message out is to same as it was back then.  I remember someone asking me why I wrote it.  I said “If I can help half a dozen women not have to go through what I went through, I’ll have done my bit”. Maybe not much in some people’s eyes but  imagine those half a dozen women educating another half a dozen and so on.  It’s because of that ripple effect that people like myself and others continue to plod along writing our posts and writing even more books about our experiences with sociopaths and psychopaths that eventually the word will spread amongst the mass population.

After all if people dont know what they are dealing with how can they deal with it?

Evil really does exist but what can we do about it?

Along the theme of “I am Fishhead” There are many people like myself “doing their bit” but I think the time has come for more conscious people to start working together and upping the volume so that the masses start to hear what we have been saying and find a solution. Those who do bad things need to start getting exposed and we need to stop enabling their behaviour.

Psychopaths can be found anywhere and as more and more people take responsibility that the 5 or 6 per cent who become aware increases as they  expose things such as corruption in governments, banking systems, corrupt religion leaders and so on .  The more all of us do this and band together , the more things can change.

Just because you haven’t had the misfortune of actually sleeping with the devil doesn’t mean you’re not having an indirect relationship of sorts with a psychopath right at this very moment .  Millions are being indirectly screwed right before their very eyes!  This is a direct experience  that will have a lasting impact for the rest of your lives  and generations to come.
People who are now starting to realise that they are already having a “direct” experience with at least one psychopath in their lives either through the banking system or through their workplace environment and its only a matter of time before it will become “their business” too when the world economy collapses  and not necessarily because they were “stupid” enough to fall in love with one or get into bed with them.

It’s then that everyone will start screaming “wolf”

People are becoming more aware but as George Simon who wrote “In sheeps Clothing” said in an interview he did about those lacking in conscience

“Sarah, if I might interrupt. Take heart, take heart. This is why we will necessarily wake up. The only question is how late it will be but this is why we will necessarily wake up . There is a most disturbing mega trend.  It’s worldwide, in free societies . The trend is that the responsibility hoisted upon the backs of those who are already responsible grows exponentially daily.

People who are relative neurotic, conscientious, and take their responsibilities seriously are asked to do more and more to make it all work every day. Those who do not take responsibility get away with more and have less actual responsibility placed on them every single day. This trend cannot continue ! It will not continue. Nature has built-in safeguards against that kind of thing happening for very long. At some point the people who are carrying the world on their shoulders will say, Enough. They will say that. And they will say about those who will not take any responsibility, they will insist that they finally step up do their fair share. It will happen. The question is, the only question is, how bad is it gonna have to get before that happens? “

Those of us “in the know” have known something was really fishy for a while now and yet up until recently no one really gave a damn because the smell wasn’t right on their doorstep!  My suggestion is that you have a look at “I am fishhead” and pass along and share before things start to get really stinky.

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Filed under character disturbance, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, In sheeps clothing, psychopath, psychopathic cartoons, psyhopaths, sociopath

Repairing the Broken Mirror in Ourselves

Looking in the Mirror

One of the things I talk about in Dark Souls is the need for victims to look within themselves at the reasons why they attracted psychopaths or narcissists into their lives. Many books talk about how to spot them but few talk about why psychopaths may target certain types of people more than others.

At the moment there is a big shift in consciousness whereby psychopathic corporations are being exposed all over the world. Conscious, empathic, aware individuals are finally starting to wake up to the reality that a small minority of psychopaths really do run the majority of the planet. One thing is clear though – its through our own collective “enabling” of these psychopathic individuals that we have managed to end up in the position whereby our savings, houses are livelihoods are now in jeopardy.

Any kind of psychopathic organisation is unable to spin their web of lies without a willing group of followers who are able to make it all believable.

When it comes to a one on one relationship with a psychopath it becomes a more personal affair but it is also there to  mirror something deep in our own psyche that we may not wish to look at. Often we will hear of stories where people have been in relationship with these predators and its taken years before anyone if ever believes the victims. The psychopath has managed to con an manipulate so many people around them for so long they convince others that the target is insane or crazy.

Someone once said to me many years ago that when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need in our lives it’s the universes’ way of clearly saying that we no longer need that person in our lives anymore and making way for something better to come along.

We all want to see the good in people and when we spot the red flags we know deep down that the psychopath or sociopath is not all they are cracked up to be. We know that image they are portraying in the mirror is flawed but we want to make it all right. The distorted projected image that they reflect back to us is that of someone who is kind, empathic, loving, hard-working (fill in the blanks). However,  underneath the mask the psychopathic personality inherently flawed without ANY of these characteristics.

So why are our own mirror images of ourselves flawed and  what it is about ourselves that is attracted to them in the first place?

Many (not all) of the people who have contacted me for coaching or read my book Dark Souls come from a background of abuse and neglect of their own emotional needs.  They come with an unconscious feeling that they may not be worthy of being loved by another kind, loving person. The hook between the psychopath and the empathic person is that we see something in them that is inherently flawed in them, but at the same time is inherently flawed in us. I am not necessary talking about victims all suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder since many of the people who have contacted me have grown up with parents who are narcissists but have also spent their lives trying not to be like them but this “flaw” is often inherently wired in our systems as a result of our upbringing and projections from parents or spouses and its one of the hooks that psychopaths love.   An example of this is that we may be inherently bad, worthless, (fill in the blanks) all of which is totally unconscious and none of which is true.

What better way for a psychopath to get someone sucked in that, in their eyes, they see as the same as them.  In the eyes of the psychopaths eye they believe they have met their match. A mirror image of themselves. They see all the other things about us “the good bits” as being things they want in themselves! The irony is that when they meet us they soon start to realise that they have none of our other characteristics, kindness, empathy, ability to work hard, having a conscious and so on because they are just hard-wired to win and abuse people. This is when they start to get angry and want to punish us for being something they can never be.

When they realise that we aren’t evil or “like them” and can’t help them out or have run out of things they can steal off us which is why so many psychopathic corporations thrive based on them working together they see this as a flaw and use this against us to try to exert power and control over us so they can win.  As Dr George Simon puts it.

“You win I win, You lose I win, I win You Lose
and finally I lose, You Lose”

Whis is the main reason they try to hurt us so badly when we stand up to them or walk away.

Why we end up helping each other

When the relationship is over, we as targets, end up realising that these psychopathic predators are not what they seem either, and that their image of themselves is cracked and flawed as our own. We reason that there is no good in there that we so wanted to believe in and realise that all of the other faulty characteristics we believed about ourselves such as not being worthy of having kind loving relationships are all wrong. When we are prepared to look at our own flaws we are able to repair that broken mirror that was flawed in the first place and bring back the shine we once had before we were tainted by these psychopathic characters.

In some ways it’s a bit like a symbiotic relationship the same as it was when it was toxic. The psychopath in our lives is there to help us to be authentic and expose our own vulnerabilities and teach us to be who we really are. We learn how to become our true selves and how to love ourselves properly.  What they give us is a gift of authenticity.

We are then obliged to do give the same gift back to the psychopath. Like the psychopth who studies us, using our weaknesses against us, we educate ourselves, learn about their disorder and we end up dumping or leaving the psychopath/narcissist or Sociopath in our lives. Each one of us reflecting back that part of us in ourselves which no longer serves us.

The psychopath is then left having to be their real authentic selves too i.e. a dark empty shell. They are left with a reflection of themselves they no longer like which is why they will never look in the mirror or change themselves. They will never look at their own flaws and will continue to spend a lifetime searching for more shiny mirrors in the hope that we’ll reflect something back to them that was never there in the first place.

I leave you with a poem I wrote to my ex a few years when he was supposed to have cancer which turned out to just one of his many lies. I realise now I was writing it to myself and that the cancer is an analogy for the Dark Souls in our lives.

“The Mirror

 

tis another year on and our dreams are all shattered
All that we hoped for and all that had mattered
my eyes are still sore from crying rose-coloured tears
you now face your own demons as i have faced my own fears
that cancers a fu**er it will keep on returning
if you don’t pull out its root that lies in your heart yearning
I’m not talking about me or some lover or wife
I am talking about you, what you want in your life
its much easier to forget to just get on and do
numbs the brain and the senses and our soul too
so i found you a mirror that was special and good
it was tucked in the cellar and carved in oak wood
its hidden for years in a dusty old room
it holds answers to secrets you never dreamed could
when you look in the mirror tell me what do you see
is it you, or you children, your wife, or is it me
I think none of the above because the view isn’t clear
it’s just smeared with anger and guilt and fear
pull the cloth from your pocket and start to erase
all the smears on the mirror and start clearing the haze
as you wipe away layers of dirt built over time
you will fight back the tears as you clean off the grime
Your fingers are hurting your can’t rub anymore
you’ll leave it for now there’s a knock at the door
Oh “I’ll deal with it later” you say to yourself
no one cares about that old mirror put it back on the shelf
but you can’t do that ***** its too special to leave
the woods starting to rot and it needs air to breath
the mirror is tarnished you must do it in time
it takes forever to polish and bring back the shine
then you will look in the mirror it will all become clear
with each rub of the cloth you have faced all your fear
As you look in the mirror you see only YOU
no kids, no lover, no wife – my god what will you do
Say hello to yourself for the first time in years
don’t mess up the mirror again with your tears
it’s a special mirror that needs nurture and care as do you
if you look after it well it will be honest and true
it will reflect all your dreams and hopes and fears
but the maintenance polish is not your own tears
its only small ***** not much bigger than a locket
if you keep it with you always it will fit in your pocket
just remember to look after it as I try to do
and it will always be kind to you and let you be YOU

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, empaths, George Simon, In sheeps clothing, predatory aggressive personalities, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

Goodbye Mr Stalker

Stalking is a difficult subject for most people least of all those on the receiving end of it. I was prompted to write this article after the person I talk about in my book them decided to stalk me again on Facebook. The stalking still continues via phone and email and other inventive ways.

It wasn’t the first time this has happened and he has dreamed up a few very imaginative ways in which to have contact with me. I only use Facebook to chat with friends and family and my settings are pretty much secure however I had still had the option for people to send me messages and add me as a friend. In this particular case they set up a fake profile (not the first time I might add) and then tried to add me as a friend, sent a message and pretended to be someone else but also gave me enough clues to know it was them. Interestingly enough his own profile has been hidden for years since he got caught out.

If he wasn’t doing this he was phoning from withheld numbers or pretending to be other people via email.  It pays to have a sense of humour when they do this kind of thing however tiresome it feels at the time or as this Facebook Stalker video shows (especially if the guy in the video reminds you of your ex) and you don’t want a dose of PTSD.

I found the video interesting since its more clever than most people think.  Many abusers have black and white thinking and its a very clever exploration into the mind of the stalker.  At the same time no one knows victims better than an abuser and the way they use stalking is to trigger us off into  a different kind of black and white thinking.  This particular article explains why many victims may go into depression the moment the abuser presses all their buttons.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/dlp/understanding-depression/all-or-nothing-or-black-and-white-thinking-and-depression/

The abuser knows this which is why they do what they do.  My personal opinion for what its worth is the way in which the vindictive narcissistic stalker will try to get a connection with you but using subtle clues and triggers and messages in the hope you will  speak to them.  Even though you may not think its them they will give more than enough information away to let you know that its them but not enough to get them prosecuted.

In their twisted way their reasons for stalking you is  their backhanded way of having a dig because you have moved on and at the same time although they may be pretending to be someone else.  On a subtle level they want you to know its them so you may start to feel scared and intimidated. They may use a combination of tactics to get your attention. The following article gives you an idea as to some of the lengths ex’s go to when cyber stalking their partners.

Of course from the accused point if view it may also be the case of mistaken identity where a victim wrongly believes they are being stalked.

Having been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a very clever stalking campaign, I was prompted to ask  fellow writer Dr George Simon who deals with manipulative people.  George recently wrote a very good book Character Disturbance on the reasons why predators including psychopaths might still feel the need to stalk victims long after the relationship was over. He suggested that:

There is no single profile for a stalker.  However, it’s not uncommon for any of the folks I characterize as “aggressive personalities” (including predatory aggressives alt: psychopaths) to engage in such behaviour.  Remember, for any of the aggressive personalities, there’s only 3 things that count in life: position, position, and position!  So, the name of the game is simple:  You can’t be allowed to win and they can’t lose.  The primary purpose of the stalking is to send the message that you might imagine yourself to be free and independent, but they are really still in control.  The secondary purpose is saving face.  It’s asserting the message that you couldn’t possibly have rejected someone as fantastic as they are. “


He further went onto say as I have in Dark Souls on the victims of these abusers:

“For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to send the message that the need to come to terms with your own issues is the main reason a continued relationship with them is not possible.”

In my humble opinion this isn’t a cop-out it just an easier more palliative way of getting them off your back.

However the most important message that George has is this:

“It’s also important to have a sound safety plan.  Risk is highest for all types of problem behaviours when they think they’ve lost control as well as face.”

Since the Stalker can be either a psychopath, narcissist, erotomaniac or any other paranoid type once you learn what type you are dealing with you can take the appropriate action plan. I have had one other encounter with a stalker whom I have never had a relationship who turned out to be an erotomaniac. In my opinion the best way to deal with these types is to ignore them completely. Otherwise anything (and I mean anything) you say to them will be misconstrued as a message that you wish to have a relationship with them that never existed in the first place. You could tell them they are a weirdos and they would take this as a hidden message that you love them.

The narcissist is similar in some ways because they have no issues if you berate or abuse them. But what if you are dealing with a vindictive narcissist who wont let you go. Sam Vaknin posted a video on the vindictive narcissist and it is well worth watching. As a malignant narcissist himself he suggests that narcissists tend to be paranoid  and  frightening them back is sometimes a good option. However if you are going to issue vague threats to the narcissist be prepared to carry them out otherwise they will keep coming back for more narcissistic supply.

I have talked at some length in Dark Souls about the Stalker however sometimes the only option is to move away especially if you are suffering from severe PTSD and need a complete break from them to heal and carry on with your life. This is also important if the stalker is dangerous and your life is at risk.

Flora Loveday has some excellent advice and articles on her website about law enforcement agencies and how to deal with the stalker so I would strongly suggest you check out her website if stalking has become and issue.

I would like to point out that the rule of no contact but sometimes letting your stalker know indirectly that you know they following you and you’re not prepared to stand for their nonsense anymore is enough to get them off your back for good. Changing your email and phone number is also a good idea.  If you have a computer make sure you have any keylogging software and spyware removed and change your email addresses regularly.

If you can get law enforcement agencies to deal with it be warned that any abusive types are likely to use very sneaky tactics and turn the tables back on you. So don’t always expect law enforcement to help you. Sometimes you are on your own and therefore a polite email or letter without threats is often enough to get them to back off. Until of course the next time they get bored and start playing their silly games and want to come back again. Nowadays each time my ex comes plays one of his childish pranks I remind myself of why I am no longer with him and reduce him in my head to a cartoon sized character that no longer has any hold over me.  Its also a reminder that I need to set more boundaries and practice saying no more.

It might help if you send them a goodbye email explaining your reasons why you cannot have a relationship with them anymore to give yourself final closure even if you don’t actually send it.

On a more positive note there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are practical ways you can deal with them like those I have suggested in this article and the ones I talk about in my book dark Souls and eventually the abuser will leave your life completely.  The longer you have no contact the more you set boundaries the less likely these predators are to make you feel intimidated.

At all times, remember the law, keep yourself safe and in the meantime stay focussed and happy.

Writing Dark Souls has been a real journey for me. Not only writing the book but having to deal the ongoing drama and with my own issues about why I attracting this man and many others like him. Many victims are not prepared to look a this which is why they often attract the same types over and over again.  I talk about this in great detail about why some people stay in victim mode focussed on the abuser and why they did what they did.

The moment you start looking at your own reasons why these predatory types keep on coming back to like a moth to the flame you will stop getting yourself burned. Figure out their behaviour by all means but stop enabling it and then move on!

Suddenly A miracle starts happening and when you put all the energy you put into figuring out why they did this and that into yourself you no longer feel enslaved by them and you are free forever.

If you would like to find more about stalking and how you can get help from law enforcement agencies please click on the links below

http://silentnomore.org/after-the-assault/legal-information/stalking-a-guide-for-victims/

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, stalkers, toxic relationships

Why we end up as crazy as the psychopath

I recently came across a review on Amazon about Dark Souls suggesting that I showed many of the personality disorder traits that I talk about in the book. I have also been criticised for the way the book is disjointed and unorganised. In some ways it’s a reflection of the way in which my mind was at the time the relationship ended. A few months after publishing I was re-treated for post traumatic stress. Often post traumatic stress doesn’t appear immediately and can come up when you least expect it. At the time of writing Dark Souls I felt as if I was on a mission to make sure that no one would ever have to go through what I had. Perhaps in hind site I should have taken more time to recover before writing the book and exposing myself in such an open and honest way.

When I first read the review I wasn’t upset I was actually in agreement. Because at the time I was feeling crazy. In the past based on my old belief systems I would have honestly took myself back the counsellor and said “Am I crazy” only to be told yet again that there was nothing wrong with me.

When we stay with these people we are left feeling and often acting pretty much as crazy as the people we have been in relationship with. Many psychopaths find victims and targets who are empaths. Empaths tend to have no boundaries whatsoever and without knowing what’s happening to us we may be inclined to literally take on their unowned feelings and start to think they are our own. I have had many emails from women and men saying that during the relationship they have done things they would have never done before. Often they will act totally out of character.

For example my natural state is quite calm and placid and yet whilst I was with this man I was very angry. At one point during the relationship I think I actually felt rage and yet I have never felt this kind of emotion in my life. Yet the moment I was away from him for any length of time that anger soon disappeared. Having left him now for over 18 months I am happy, calm and have none of the feelings I described in Dark Souls that I had whilst I was with him. I no longer feel the need to act out in ways I would have done in the past.

I am also reliably informed that I do not have any personality disorder by my counsellor just a history of being around far too many disordered people throughout my life that led me to a very unhealthy belief system about myself..

Years ago when I first went for counselling it was suggested to me that someone very close to me was a borderline personality. I tried to explain that when I was around them I felt and acted crazy. The counsellor said that when you are around borderlines bits of their personality appear to jump off onto the victim. They asked me how I felt when I was away from them. I had to think for a second as I had been with them for many years and I replied “Actually I feel great, I don’t feel unhappy or crazy”.  For those of you who haven’t experienced the joys of living with a borderline and who aren’t an empath the following article gives you an idea of the kind of crazy making behaviour that one has to deal with.  Whether your with a borderline, a narcissist or a psychopath, if your an empath your likely to take on their stuff and may well not be able to separate out your own personality from theirs.

 

I recently received one of many emails I get daily from an empath who said the following”

 

“I know that I started to take on his traits during the relationship and did MANY things that were totally against the real person that I was.  He pulled me so deep into his disorder and screwed up thinking and behavior that I was not me anymore.  I guess they want US to be like THEM so that they can believe they are “okay” if we are also doing and saying the things they are.  I would be embarrassed to tell people the things I did when I was with him.  Fortunately, my close, longtime friends and coworkers (who also know my ex) all know that I was conned and manipulated and lied to the entire time.  They knew me “before” the relationship and they knew him “before” the relationship and, well, now he has no friends left from that circle of people.  He has alienated all of them.  Thank God I was a good person with integrity and credibility before him.  It served me well afterward.” 

Sadly its left up to us “crazy” victims to educate ourselves and empower ourselves because the psychopathic personality will never once question whether or not they are crazy and in the meantime until people wake up they will happily spend their time projecting their own insanity on the rest population.

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Filed under addiction, borderlines, character disturbance, claudia moscovici, dark souls, empaths, post traumatic stress, projection, psychopath

Prophet or Predator?

Some of the longstanding and commonly accepted explanations we’ve been given about human nature are simply wrong. Worse, believing them leaves us vulnerable — both individually and as a society — to the manipulations of predators among us. And there are predators among us. They are not “sick.” They are just disturbingly different and unfathomably dangerous.

Photo by xvaughanx - http://flic.kr/p/6Pwp9y
Photo by xvaughanx – http://flic.kr/p/6Pwp9y

Recently, a jury in Texas convicted Warren Jeffs of the systematic rape and abuse of several young girls as young as 12 and sentenced him to life in prison. We may never know the full extent of his victimization or how young some of his victims might have been. One of his victims, who also happens to be his niece, has asserted to the press that Jeffs is exactly where he needs to be. Otherwise, he would still not only be on the prowl, but also most likely successfully garnering more victims.

Jeffs is regarded by some as a “prophet” in the extreme polygamist offshoot of the Mormons known as the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints. Devoted followers believe his will reigns supreme and is to be unquestionably obeyed. And some were even willing to joyfully offer their young daughters to him for a supposedly God-inspired “spiritual” marriage.

When my first book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] debuted nearly 16 years ago, some of the assertions I made about the most manipulative of characters were not only shocking and ground-breaking, but also regarded by some as theoretical heresy. There are people, I argued, who are not really who they purport to be. They’re not obvious bearers of any unconscious malevolent or unseemly intent. Rather, they are intelligent, deliberate, crafty predators who know well the vulnerabilities most folks possess, and are adept at manipulating the impressions others have of them as well as their behavior. Some of these individuals have such a malignant sense of superiority over others and such an emotional disconnection from the human race that they regard other, inferior human beings as rightful prey. Hence, I gave these folks, sometimes alternately labeled sociopathic or psychopathic, the label predatory aggressive personalities. I wasn’t the first to take notice of these perplexing individuals, but I was among the very few to challenge many of the traditional assumptions about what makes them the way they are. In my current book, Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I examine these and other problematic personalities in even greater depth.

If you happen to be an adult fixated pedophile (i.e., someone with an unrelenting and/or exclusive sexual attraction to pre-pubescent — or in the case of ephebophilia, near and just post-pubescent — children), you undoubtedly know you can’t simply arrange time alone to “hook-up” with the objects of your desires in the same manner that adults and teens secure “dates.” Instead, unless you want to resort to abduction (as some have), you have to keep your true intentions carefully veiled, come up with a variety of clever schemes just to gain access, and craft an incredible arsenal of far-fetched yet believable lies that will convince others and your intended victims to let you have your way. And there isn’t one thing Warren Jeffs did that many psychopaths and/or predatory pedophiles haven’t done before him. Jeffs’ niece believed him when he told her she was “special” and that what was taking place between them needed to be kept secret. He was an authority figure who appeared to care for her and to be trustworthy and who also brought ready words of comfort and acceptance to a young person searching for validation. His niece’s retrospective account indicates he was already quite skilled at manipulating his intended child targets long before he put on the cloak of religious prophet. But he eventually hid his true nature behind the most powerful manipulative tool ever devised, the word of God, to convince trusting, yet spiritually thirsty souls that he had been given exclusive access to the waters of redemption they sought. Still, his actions prompt the question of why, in this day and age — when so many authors have now broadcast the same message about predators that many found unbelievable and unacceptable 16 years ago — there are still plenty of folks out there who succumb to this vile type of victimization. I think the reasons are primarily threefold:

  • predators are often extremely good at their manipulative craft;
  • the legacy of traditional and still dominant psychology metaphors — such as that most behaviors are unconscious, everyone tends to be loving and caring unless scarred by past abuse or neglect, etc. — often sets us up to form incorrect impressions about some people;
  • and it’s extremely painful (and therefor prompts “denial”) to think that there really are heartless, conniving predators out there who are very different on every level from most of us.

As long as I am able, I will continue the drumbeat I sounded many years ago. There are predators among us. There’s something qualitatively different about them. They use powerful tactics (some of which can be extremely convincing) to make you abandon your natural fearful instincts about them and allow yourself eventually to become captive. The proof of my assertions about their true nature often comes to light when the jig is up for them. It happened with Phillip Garrido when he was finally convicted for abducting Jaycee Duggard. (He also initially appeared to have some unusual religious beliefs motivating him but gave up the ruse upon conviction.) I predict it will also happen with Jeffs. But whatever happens, we simply have to do a better job of recognizing and reckoning with the predators among us. We have to overcome our reluctance to accepting the seemingly unacceptable, and we have to set aside some of the longstanding and commonly accepted explanations we’ve been given about human nature that set us up to misunderstand them. They are not “sick,” just disturbingly different and unfathomably dangerous.

Many are now coming to believe that there simply is no possibility of change for a psychopath or sociopath. And while this belief is rooted in some truth, I still can’t help but wonder what would happen if we were to so firmly “cast the beam out of our eye” that the “prophet” some still see in a creature like Jeffs would be revealed as no more than the heartless predator he really is.

 

George Simon

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Filed under character disturbance, In sheeps clothing, pedophiles, predators, psychopath, sociopath