After reading Claudia Moscovoci’s excellent article this morning on “Why Psychopaths lie” I decided to do an article explaining the crazy making ways in which psychopaths lie and manipulate their victims. There’s an expression made famous by Bill Clinton when he was asked if he had sex with Monica Lewinsky and he replied “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Then was then a pause to which he then went on to say “Monica Lewinsky, I never told anyone to lie” and then changed the subject completely to divert from the original question.
Most people would have taken what he has said as the truth but he wasn’t answering the question directly. Interesting enough I have always had my own opinions about Bill Clinton but I read with interest and an article where someone described Clinton as an adaptive psychopath
“He is not real. Efron writes of the fragment of stone at the bottom of Stephanopolous’ kaleidoscope — reflecting in a unique way, showing a different facet to each person as Clinton turns. This is a metaphor for the elusive “real Clinton;” but, in truth, there is no real Clinton that we could possibly comprehend. That little fragment is so alien that it might as well not exist in our universe. At the core of this man, Clinton, where the soul is supposed to be, there is, instead, a gaping void. A black hole. The Sun King exists only as the irresistible gravitational pull he exerts on others and the dying light — the catastrophic annihilation — of everyone and everything that strays too close to his event horizon. Within, there is an unknowable emptiness.”
An interesting analogy as I described these characters as being Darks Souls giving a similar example of Black holes in my book. I believe the unknowing emptyiness lacking in themselves is one of the reasons that psychopaths target people who have something unique to offer them so they can literally steal it from us.
Lying by Omission
Below are a couple of real examples on how psychopaths might lie when faced with a direct question. When I was dating my ex he would usually look very uncomfortable when faced with a question that he wanted to avoid.
During the time we were together he had left his wife and admitted to being in a lot of debt. I have two children myself and so does he and I was concerned that he would be a good parent and support his own children. He told me that he had left his wife and that he was paying his children’s school fees. When I sensed he wasn’t telling the truth I got a sensation in throat that something didn’t feel right so I said to him “are you sure” . Acting defensively he said well “if you don’t believe me have a look at this” and produced a letter from the school with a direct debit slip attached. I never once thought to ask to see his bank statements to see if the payments were actually coming out of his bank account. The problem is that we want to believe people but when it comes to psychopaths we must never assume anything.
On another occasion he had been offered a brand new job with a big corporation and was on a training event for a couple of weeks. It meant him staying at a hotel for two weeks. I knew the name of this new company he was working for and yet still I had this uneasy feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I asked what hotel he was staying in and he said it was a hotel in Swindon called “Holiday Inn”. I even called up the company without telling him and asked if they had a reservation for him to which they said no. I then called the company where he supposedly worked. I was told by the company that they didn’t recognise his name but they did have a Mr “Smith” working there. I asked if they booked training directly with the hotel as he’d told me the company where paying for his hotel expenses for the two weeks he was there and they said unless he was a senior manager company policy was for people to pay for their own hotels and then claim the expenses back. As he was already living in a property I had and supposed to be paying rent I couldn’t understand why he would want to pay for a hotel and have additional cost especially as he was supposed to be in debt.
By this time I was very suspicious and he did his usual acting defensively and said if you don’t believe that I am staying in “a” hotel come down. I called his bluff and I drove nearly 200 miles that night. As I was about to leave the motorway I got a call from him saying he hoped I had a good sense of humour and that he got the name of the hotel muddled up and that he wasn’t staying at the “Holiday Inn” but he was in fact staying at the Days Inn instead. In fact he even laughed and say something like “Oh my days” I am so sorry I did that, I’ll make it up to you when you get here.
When I arrived angry and flustered I wanted to ask the receptionist if he has stayed there the two weeks prior and she replied yes but put her head down. Because he was all nice and happy when I arrived he was trying to distract me. In hind site I realise that the receptionist would have the interests and confidentialy of her client and would have said anything. There was no invoice and no proof he had stayed there.
It turned out that the job he had was non-existent and that it just so happened he’d chosen to clone himself for a high position job at a company where there just happened to be a person working there in the department he was supposed to be in with the same surname as him.
When I finally uncovered all of the lies nothing he had told me was true.
These are just a few examples of how he and other psychopaths like him lie. I think one of the best examples was finding him on a modelling site. This was the very first time I realised I was dealing with a pathological liar and which was what led me to finding out all of the above and researching people with personality disorders.
My ex Dark Soul had pictures of himself dressed up in a kilt and photos of himself cut and pasted out of his wedding pictures. He was offering his services as a male model providing walk on prince Charlie parts. When I asked him why he was on the site he said he had no aspirations to be a model or actor and that “I was making it up and it was all my imagination”. I checked and within hours google had taken the page off. He must have deleted his profile. What he didn’t realise is that Google caches pages and leaves an imprint for nearly 3 months even if the page no longer exists so long as the image is still on the server. I told him and he then said “Well someone must have put it on there for a laugh, perhaps my mum or wife did it”. Having had two children myself who has been to a modelling agency when they were small I thought that you need to prove who you are so I called up the model agency and asked them. I said “Is it possible for someone to put up someone else’s pictures without their permission?” They replied “No everyone on the site has to send in a photocopy of their passport details”.
By this time my ex was very defensive and angry and this was the start of uncovering what can only be described as a catalogue of lies and deceit ranging from having a non-existent jobs for over 2 years, to lying about having cancer, to putting himself on multiple sex sites and being a sperm donor just to mention a few. He promptly an email to a non existent email address on the modelling site and copied me in asking why he was on the website. What followed after confronting him with the details of his modelling advert was a root kit was dumped on my computer via the email hed copied me on on which which wiped off my PC and the rest is history.
I realised that the whole relationship was one big performance from start to finish.
The problem with liars whether they are psychopaths or not is that normal human beings feel bad when they lie. Psychopaths do not. To tell a lie takes up energy. When you tell one lie you have to cover it up with another one. This is where having a conscience is a real bummer. My children always make fun of me and say “Mum you are rubbish at lying”, even when it comes down to small things. I feel bad if I lie and can’t even lie about simple things like telling my kids I have nothing planned for the year when secretly I have planned a holiday. If I have had a bad day it shows on my face. I am an open book.
The only energy psychopaths use is to control and win. So expending energy into concocting a load of cods wallop is like water off a ducks back for them. Psychopaths are like puppets and can only “imitate” real emotions. They cannot experience them or feel real emotions or happiness, which is one of the reasons they are so attracted to victims like us because in reality they just want to be like us and know that they cannot. It’s also why they spend so much time preying and feeding off of our energy and good nature like vampires. Without victims they would die and end up the projected images of themselves they so wish to hide from everyone else. Everything about them is a mask and many victims say that their narcissistic ex or psychopath is a complete mess months after a breakup until of course they have their next energetic and economic feeding frenzy off their next victim.
Its all a big act
When it comes to convincing acting just Hollywood actor playing an oscar award winning role and your totally sucked into a story of the character they play.
Since we are already sucked into the psychopathic narcissists superficial glibness and charm and acting skills and the way in which the manage to convince they have genuine feelings. It comes as no surprise that they are able to lie and deceive us with the same dexterity.
Next time you see or hear something that doesn’t quite add up. Chances are it really doesn’t add up at all. Your internal radar is there for a reason screaming out to you with cognitive dissonance that something is wrong. A bit like the Bill Clinton story where everyone heard the words but no one really believed him.
Trusting our primal instincts
I have read a few times that when we first meet a psychopath the hairs on our neck stand up. It’s our animal instinct warning us to stay away from these people who some people choose to ignore. People have spent years convincing ourselves we are higher dimensional beings but underneath we are also animals, prey and predator. It’s through thousands of years of deprogramming our authentic selves that we have ended up putting ourselves at risk by ignoring one of the biggest lies in history. We may well have been prey to these psychopaths but evolution is starting to teach us that we need to listen to our animal instincts and not have to be part of their game any more. The more we evolve as conscious human individuals the more we can spot and expose these predators.
When I first met my ex I got this feeling of the hairs on my neck and confused it with sexual chemistry. Five years later and I was so far pumped up with oxytocin and lies I was hooked. Hopefully next time your psychopathic starts looking you squarely in the face with a bare-faced lie whether it be your partner, boss or co-worker. I hope that you’ll start to recall and remember that feeling too and run away as fast as you can and not be prey to them any longer.