Category Archives: dark souls

Goodbye Mr Stalker

Stalking is a difficult subject for most people least of all those on the receiving end of it. I was prompted to write this article after the person I talk about in my book them decided to stalk me again on Facebook. The stalking still continues via phone and email and other inventive ways.

It wasn’t the first time this has happened and he has dreamed up a few very imaginative ways in which to have contact with me. I only use Facebook to chat with friends and family and my settings are pretty much secure however I had still had the option for people to send me messages and add me as a friend. In this particular case they set up a fake profile (not the first time I might add) and then tried to add me as a friend, sent a message and pretended to be someone else but also gave me enough clues to know it was them. Interestingly enough his own profile has been hidden for years since he got caught out.

If he wasn’t doing this he was phoning from withheld numbers or pretending to be other people via email.  It pays to have a sense of humour when they do this kind of thing however tiresome it feels at the time or as this Facebook Stalker video shows (especially if the guy in the video reminds you of your ex) and you don’t want a dose of PTSD.

I found the video interesting since its more clever than most people think.  Many abusers have black and white thinking and its a very clever exploration into the mind of the stalker.  At the same time no one knows victims better than an abuser and the way they use stalking is to trigger us off into  a different kind of black and white thinking.  This particular article explains why many victims may go into depression the moment the abuser presses all their buttons.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/dlp/understanding-depression/all-or-nothing-or-black-and-white-thinking-and-depression/

The abuser knows this which is why they do what they do.  My personal opinion for what its worth is the way in which the vindictive narcissistic stalker will try to get a connection with you but using subtle clues and triggers and messages in the hope you will  speak to them.  Even though you may not think its them they will give more than enough information away to let you know that its them but not enough to get them prosecuted.

In their twisted way their reasons for stalking you is  their backhanded way of having a dig because you have moved on and at the same time although they may be pretending to be someone else.  On a subtle level they want you to know its them so you may start to feel scared and intimidated. They may use a combination of tactics to get your attention. The following article gives you an idea as to some of the lengths ex’s go to when cyber stalking their partners.

Of course from the accused point if view it may also be the case of mistaken identity where a victim wrongly believes they are being stalked.

Having been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a very clever stalking campaign, I was prompted to ask  fellow writer Dr George Simon who deals with manipulative people.  George recently wrote a very good book Character Disturbance on the reasons why predators including psychopaths might still feel the need to stalk victims long after the relationship was over. He suggested that:

There is no single profile for a stalker.  However, it’s not uncommon for any of the folks I characterize as “aggressive personalities” (including predatory aggressives alt: psychopaths) to engage in such behaviour.  Remember, for any of the aggressive personalities, there’s only 3 things that count in life: position, position, and position!  So, the name of the game is simple:  You can’t be allowed to win and they can’t lose.  The primary purpose of the stalking is to send the message that you might imagine yourself to be free and independent, but they are really still in control.  The secondary purpose is saving face.  It’s asserting the message that you couldn’t possibly have rejected someone as fantastic as they are. “


He further went onto say as I have in Dark Souls on the victims of these abusers:

“For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to send the message that the need to come to terms with your own issues is the main reason a continued relationship with them is not possible.”

In my humble opinion this isn’t a cop-out it just an easier more palliative way of getting them off your back.

However the most important message that George has is this:

“It’s also important to have a sound safety plan.  Risk is highest for all types of problem behaviours when they think they’ve lost control as well as face.”

Since the Stalker can be either a psychopath, narcissist, erotomaniac or any other paranoid type once you learn what type you are dealing with you can take the appropriate action plan. I have had one other encounter with a stalker whom I have never had a relationship who turned out to be an erotomaniac. In my opinion the best way to deal with these types is to ignore them completely. Otherwise anything (and I mean anything) you say to them will be misconstrued as a message that you wish to have a relationship with them that never existed in the first place. You could tell them they are a weirdos and they would take this as a hidden message that you love them.

The narcissist is similar in some ways because they have no issues if you berate or abuse them. But what if you are dealing with a vindictive narcissist who wont let you go. Sam Vaknin posted a video on the vindictive narcissist and it is well worth watching. As a malignant narcissist himself he suggests that narcissists tend to be paranoid  and  frightening them back is sometimes a good option. However if you are going to issue vague threats to the narcissist be prepared to carry them out otherwise they will keep coming back for more narcissistic supply.

I have talked at some length in Dark Souls about the Stalker however sometimes the only option is to move away especially if you are suffering from severe PTSD and need a complete break from them to heal and carry on with your life. This is also important if the stalker is dangerous and your life is at risk.

Flora Loveday has some excellent advice and articles on her website about law enforcement agencies and how to deal with the stalker so I would strongly suggest you check out her website if stalking has become and issue.

I would like to point out that the rule of no contact but sometimes letting your stalker know indirectly that you know they following you and you’re not prepared to stand for their nonsense anymore is enough to get them off your back for good. Changing your email and phone number is also a good idea.  If you have a computer make sure you have any keylogging software and spyware removed and change your email addresses regularly.

If you can get law enforcement agencies to deal with it be warned that any abusive types are likely to use very sneaky tactics and turn the tables back on you. So don’t always expect law enforcement to help you. Sometimes you are on your own and therefore a polite email or letter without threats is often enough to get them to back off. Until of course the next time they get bored and start playing their silly games and want to come back again. Nowadays each time my ex comes plays one of his childish pranks I remind myself of why I am no longer with him and reduce him in my head to a cartoon sized character that no longer has any hold over me.  Its also a reminder that I need to set more boundaries and practice saying no more.

It might help if you send them a goodbye email explaining your reasons why you cannot have a relationship with them anymore to give yourself final closure even if you don’t actually send it.

On a more positive note there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are practical ways you can deal with them like those I have suggested in this article and the ones I talk about in my book dark Souls and eventually the abuser will leave your life completely.  The longer you have no contact the more you set boundaries the less likely these predators are to make you feel intimidated.

At all times, remember the law, keep yourself safe and in the meantime stay focussed and happy.

Writing Dark Souls has been a real journey for me. Not only writing the book but having to deal the ongoing drama and with my own issues about why I attracting this man and many others like him. Many victims are not prepared to look a this which is why they often attract the same types over and over again.  I talk about this in great detail about why some people stay in victim mode focussed on the abuser and why they did what they did.

The moment you start looking at your own reasons why these predatory types keep on coming back to like a moth to the flame you will stop getting yourself burned. Figure out their behaviour by all means but stop enabling it and then move on!

Suddenly A miracle starts happening and when you put all the energy you put into figuring out why they did this and that into yourself you no longer feel enslaved by them and you are free forever.

If you would like to find more about stalking and how you can get help from law enforcement agencies please click on the links below

http://silentnomore.org/after-the-assault/legal-information/stalking-a-guide-for-victims/

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, stalkers, toxic relationships

Why we end up as crazy as the psychopath

I recently came across a review on Amazon about Dark Souls suggesting that I showed many of the personality disorder traits that I talk about in the book. I have also been criticised for the way the book is disjointed and unorganised. In some ways it’s a reflection of the way in which my mind was at the time the relationship ended. A few months after publishing I was re-treated for post traumatic stress. Often post traumatic stress doesn’t appear immediately and can come up when you least expect it. At the time of writing Dark Souls I felt as if I was on a mission to make sure that no one would ever have to go through what I had. Perhaps in hind site I should have taken more time to recover before writing the book and exposing myself in such an open and honest way.

When I first read the review I wasn’t upset I was actually in agreement. Because at the time I was feeling crazy. In the past based on my old belief systems I would have honestly took myself back the counsellor and said “Am I crazy” only to be told yet again that there was nothing wrong with me.

When we stay with these people we are left feeling and often acting pretty much as crazy as the people we have been in relationship with. Many psychopaths find victims and targets who are empaths. Empaths tend to have no boundaries whatsoever and without knowing what’s happening to us we may be inclined to literally take on their unowned feelings and start to think they are our own. I have had many emails from women and men saying that during the relationship they have done things they would have never done before. Often they will act totally out of character.

For example my natural state is quite calm and placid and yet whilst I was with this man I was very angry. At one point during the relationship I think I actually felt rage and yet I have never felt this kind of emotion in my life. Yet the moment I was away from him for any length of time that anger soon disappeared. Having left him now for over 18 months I am happy, calm and have none of the feelings I described in Dark Souls that I had whilst I was with him. I no longer feel the need to act out in ways I would have done in the past.

I am also reliably informed that I do not have any personality disorder by my counsellor just a history of being around far too many disordered people throughout my life that led me to a very unhealthy belief system about myself..

Years ago when I first went for counselling it was suggested to me that someone very close to me was a borderline personality. I tried to explain that when I was around them I felt and acted crazy. The counsellor said that when you are around borderlines bits of their personality appear to jump off onto the victim. They asked me how I felt when I was away from them. I had to think for a second as I had been with them for many years and I replied “Actually I feel great, I don’t feel unhappy or crazy”.  For those of you who haven’t experienced the joys of living with a borderline and who aren’t an empath the following article gives you an idea of the kind of crazy making behaviour that one has to deal with.  Whether your with a borderline, a narcissist or a psychopath, if your an empath your likely to take on their stuff and may well not be able to separate out your own personality from theirs.

 

I recently received one of many emails I get daily from an empath who said the following”

 

“I know that I started to take on his traits during the relationship and did MANY things that were totally against the real person that I was.  He pulled me so deep into his disorder and screwed up thinking and behavior that I was not me anymore.  I guess they want US to be like THEM so that they can believe they are “okay” if we are also doing and saying the things they are.  I would be embarrassed to tell people the things I did when I was with him.  Fortunately, my close, longtime friends and coworkers (who also know my ex) all know that I was conned and manipulated and lied to the entire time.  They knew me “before” the relationship and they knew him “before” the relationship and, well, now he has no friends left from that circle of people.  He has alienated all of them.  Thank God I was a good person with integrity and credibility before him.  It served me well afterward.” 

Sadly its left up to us “crazy” victims to educate ourselves and empower ourselves because the psychopathic personality will never once question whether or not they are crazy and in the meantime until people wake up they will happily spend their time projecting their own insanity on the rest population.

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Filed under addiction, borderlines, character disturbance, claudia moscovici, dark souls, empaths, post traumatic stress, projection, psychopath

Re-traumatising and PTSD


(Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Everyone always writes about the positive aspects of coming out of a relationship with a psychopathic personality . You read things about how as a result of being in such a toxic relationship it empowers you and teaches you how to recognise and spot predators. If you have never learnt how to have boundaries in the past you learn how to have them. You learn about healthy self-respect for yourself and self-love and most people decide if they have had proper counselling that they will never come have this type of relationship again.

When it comes to future dating If you have never been able to spot the warning signs of the beginnings of what could be a relationship based on power and control you learn those too. That way you never enter relationships that are likely to harm you again.

There are many many positives that come out of the relationship with the narcissist or the psychopath but what is the downside of having had a relationship with a psychopath and do people really understand the impact of how the relationship has really affected their victims?

Few therapists really understand what goes on with a psychopathic personality and the damage they can do to their victims. Chances are the abuser will often turn the tables on the victim and try to blame them. Sometimes they might even tell the therapist that the victim is crazy and being such charming convincing characters it’s not long before the therapist is on the narcissists side questioning the sanity of the victim.

Most victims of psychopathic personalities suffer from PTSD long after the event. It takes many forms and it needs a very understanding therapist to understand exactly what is going on and to not judge the victim for being triggered. It could be something as small as a smell that triggers them or the fact that they bump into someone in the street that looks like their abuser. If a victim has a history of attracting abusive types throughout their life then the  victim may start to develop the “girl/boy who cried wolf” syndrome whereby if the victim feels they want to tell the therapist something the feel the therapist wont believe them. Perhaps the therapist may appear to be disinterested in what the victim is telling them. They will say things like “Well you should be happy, after all think of all the positives” “You have a nice job now, things are going good aren’t they”. “Think how lucky you are to be rid of xx

A small trigger like the above is easier for the victim to deal with but what happens if something more serious happens within a few years of leaving a psychopath. Say for example you are put in a situation where you meet another psychopath who threatens your safety. This is challenging enough for anyone who has never even been in relationship with one but its even more challenging when you have already had a relationship with one. Victims are often left hyper vigilant and know exactly how to spot abusers far better than they could have before. so when another abusers slips through their radar they victim will immediately blame themselves and say things like “Why didn’t I spot them?” “Why didn’t I see it coming” Why because the person doing it is a psychopath and they can trick any con anyone. Even with the best tools in the work experts get conned by these people day in day out. Like myself my friend is an “expert” on psychopathic personalities and yet she still got caught out again by these insidious individuals. The therapist on the other hand may just poo poo it and think its just another trigger.

Most recently a friend contacted me who was unfortunate to have had a run in with another psychopath after her relationship with the previous psychopath had ended. It had been more than two years so she was already well on her way to being completely healed.

The event that happened was pretty disgusting and would have been enough to upset any normally stable person but this particular situation had sent my friend into a tailspin. The therapist not recognising that she had PTSD from her previous encounter re-triggered by this new event with a different psychopathic person decided to prescribe her anti depressant. As a result of her interactions with the therapist when she eventually went back for counselling she decided to tell the therapist she was OK and that nothing was wrong.

Nothing could be further from the truth but what happens is that victims may start to feel like there is no point in even telling their therapist anything because they just don’t get it. The therapist may put the victims reaction down to being “hyper sensitive” or “reactionary”.

I have been in a similar situation myself and it puts the target in a difficult situation. They don’t want to go and see another therapist because the new therapist will ask why the victim has left the previous therapist. If they do find someone else it then means churning everything all over again from the past that isn’t necessary that the victim doesn’t particularly want to talk about thus reinforcing any old traumas that may well have been dealt with. The therapist may blame it on the victims old pattern and not even understand this is a “brand new trauma” with a “brand new psychopath” complicated by the fact that they are also dealing with being  re-traumatised and probably a bit of PTSD thrown in for good measure.

Notice I use the term target as psychopaths will target both people who have been victims of psychopaths and those who have never had the misfortune of meeting them

As a result the target feels helpless and victimized again and although like any normal person they may wish to seek help because of their previous experiences they  are left with a couple of options.

1) sharing their experiences with people who have been through the same I.e. other victims/targets. This can be OK but sometimes this can prolong the healing especially if they go on forums where the victims actually enjoy being stuck in victim mode and then they have to churn up all the old stuff again which they don’t want to or

2) share their experiences with friends and family, most of whom do not understand at all and really don’t want to hear it all again least of all the victim may have met psycho number xxx Or

3) to internalize it and to try to go figure out for themselves why they are being re-traumatised again and deal with it the best way they can.

The third option is OK IF they have done enough healing and had a good therapist in the first place but what if the therapy they got in the first place wasn’t enough. The victim is back to square one and may have to start their healing all over again.

My hope is that one day therapists really start to understand what it feels like to be in a relationship with a psychopath and not just to lecture their clients about what victims should and shouldn’t do. Most therapists may have had a few run ins with the odd narcissist which although unpleasant enough in itself is compared to the psychopath pretty easy to spot and a walk if the park to some degree. However few if any have ever had to deal with a true psychopathic malignant narcissist..

Having had more than a few run ins with psychopaths when I wrote Dark Souls it took me many months after thinking I was completely healed to realised that PTSD was what was keeping me stuck and not that I was some kind of psycho attractor. It was a colleague who finally reminded me that the only types of people who are likely to read a book like mine are those who have been victims or those who are psychopaths who might think they are buying a book that will teach that some new tricks.  Sadly for them my book is to empower victims of psychopaths not the other way round.

The general public is not aware of psychopathic behaviour but very few therapists on the other hand understand psychopathic behaviour at all unless they have worked directly with them or been on the receiving end of one of their scams.

There is no quick fix when it comes to getting over a psychopath and you will only heal as quickly as you allow yourself to. The good news is that therapy works for neurotics who have been victimized by these people so by seeking therapy you are on the first step to recovery.  My advise to anyone seeking help if they have been with someone they know to be a psychopath is to make sure you seek someone who understands their disordered personality and has dealt with victims of psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists or you could be in for a long bumpy ride.

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Filed under dark souls, narcissists, post traumatic stress, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, toxic relationships

Who is the fool, Them or Us


Why we try to understand the Psychopath

A normal empathic individual will do their utmost to understand a psychopath especially if they have no idea the person is a psychopath or has a personality disorder in the first place.

Throughout the ages most people have had a fascination with evil so when we suddenly find ourselves coming across someone who ticks all the boxes when it comes to behaving like the Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde or even the devil themselves, we are left with a reality check.  Do these psychopathic individuals really mean what they are saying. Are they just joking when they say things like I want to kill or hurt someone. We think to ourselves, “Surely they can’t be serious” “They really can’t be that evil”. We question why would they do such strange things?

When it comes to their crazy making behaviour e.g. playing mind games and gaslighting, unless you have had the lovely misfortune of having met a psychopath or had a relationship with one most people don’t actually know what has hit them until it’s too late. For those that don’t know what gaslighting is, its is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The sole aim is to make the victim of the gaslighting behaviour end up thinking they are crazy. Usually the person doing it is crazy themselves and it can also involve verbal projection whereby they use creative means to project their own insanity onto the victims.

Recently I met a person who decided to do a bit of gaslighting on me. Fortunately they didn’t know I had written a book about it and they thought they had spotted the little red neon flashing sign above my head that says “come and get me”. They decided to play a few little mind games on me trying to make me think I had lost my marbles or that my memory was failing me. Had I not known about gaslighting or written Dark Souls I would have come out thinking I was starting to lose my mind. It was done in a very insidious way and involved lots of projection and moving stuff around. However the fact that I knew straight away what they were doing, becoming immediately aware of their games, they weren’t able to have any hold on me.

Having spent much of my life around crazy people and thinking I was crazy myself, wasting time and energy trying to “understand” them I have come to a realisation as to why we as victims may be so fascinated by them. Its usually because of the cognitive dissonance that reminds us that underneath all people must be good. This does not apply to a psychopath and is one of the reasons people are so fascinated with them.

Claudia Moscovici talks about the psycopath as Evil Jokers (The Dark Knight and other psychopathic characters). Remember the psychopathic person is all about mind games and winning and without a willing fool to play games with they will soon move on to another willing victim. Psychopaths are known for experiencing great pleasure at hurting and playing games with their victims.

But who is the fool really ?

The psychopath sees their victims as a fool, an idiot, prey, victim, a target that they can use and abuse. They hide behind a mask thinking they are invisible to their disguise and that victims cannot spot them. If you have a history of abuse the psychopath has an inate ability to hone in on victims but many victims learn how to spot a psychopath more readily if they have already been victimised.

Once a victim empowers themselves and uncovers their mask of sanity and we learn why and how they do things we no longer have a fascination with trying to “understand” them.  We no longer want to help them by being dependent enablers or figure out why they do evil things.

Once the victim understands that evil is not some glamourous fictitious hollywood character from a horror movie whose sole modus operandi is to exploit and manipulate who is trying to create a false persona so that we believe them to be something they are not.  Because we understand that under the facade of the psychopathic personality they are hard-wired to be different.  We stop playing into their hands and we see them for the fools that they really are.

Once we educate ourselves the fascination with evil suddenly dissolves from being an unhealthy obsession for what appeared to be the charismatic, macabre, charmer who we stupidly think “accidentally” does bad things to good people to a more surreal kind of character that no holds glamour or real appeal.  Since the psychopath lacks empathy, and without willing players it becomes a game of solitaire for both the abuser and abused. They may be evil but the other 3 dimensional attributes, such as empathy, kindness, charm and charisma, that we gave to them start to slip away.

Once the joker exposes himself as the true trickster he really is they are unable to play their games anymore. As their house of cards starts to fall around them they reveal themselves as nothing more than a cardboard cutout, hiding in the pack and the joke is then firmly on them

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Filed under claudia moscovici, dark souls, dr jekyll mr hyde, Evil, evil jokers, gaslighting, mask of insanity, mind games, psychopath