With Xmas coming up in a couple of weeks and almost two years on since writing Dark Souls I thought today I would do a more person reflection on the last two years since I broke up with my psychopathic ex celebrate Xmas early. I’d also like to give a little encouragement to those readers of my blog who have been struggling this year with a psychopath or are dealing with the aftermath of clearing up after a relationship with a character disturbed individual and give them a little hope that things do turn around for the better now matter how bad things may appear at the time.
Today is the first day I have had off having worked nearly 70 hours straight last week on top of my self-employed job. I was originally going to have to work on xmas day however I just found out that I now have Xmas day off which means I shall be celebrating it with my son who would have otherwise been on his own for most of the day.
For those who have never read my blog posts or book or wonder how I can do so many hours along with keeping up this blog I am a survivor but I also have the hyperactive version of attention deficit disorder. Nowadays I’ve even turned that belief about myself around that I had something weird and wrong with me and started calling it Attention surplus disorder. For those that don’t know what it is here are the positives and here are the negatives. And for the record from a confirmed ADDer any psychopath who tells you they have ADD and uses it as an excuse to have selective amnesia and lie or any other excuse they want to pull out of the hat. Its just an EXCUSE. People with ADD may forget things, lack concentration or focus, and a whole host of other negatives but they DO have a conscience
I had decided a few weeks back to start working on my second book about the difficulties victims experience after ending such relationships. This includes the emotional abuse we have suffered, picking ourselves up off the floor and rebuilding our self-esteem, practical ways of earning income if we have lost everything and if like myself we have had a whole lifetime of abuse from dysfunctional families, finding ways of changing our whole belief systems. When I wrote Dark Souls I remember telling one of my closest family members that I had written it and they replied “why would you want to write a book, it’s not like anyone is going to want to read it!”.
Sometimes those of us who have upside down maps of the world when it comes to beliefs about ourselves forget to congratulate ourselves on our own achievements and spend all our time trying to get validation from others. The thing is we will never get validation from disordered individuals unless they want something from us. This year I put all those beliefs about myself aside about a need validation for anything. I put my head down, worked really hard over the last few months and two days ago got promoted in a field of work that I love doing.
A week before I finally relented and had to have my computer wiped clean as it was riddled with Trojans, viruses and a rootkit that my ex had decided to dump on the computer a while back which kept rearing its ugly head every so often until finally I had to have the whole thing wiped off. Without getting too technical my computer “appeared” to be OK but underneath it was operating with a rootkit on it that allowed my ex to monitor everything I was doing on the computer.
It was interesting because prior to collecting it I had started to think that perhaps there had been nothing wrong with it when in fact the rootkit had been hiding behind the operating system and making it look like everything was OK all along. In my mind I really didn’t want to believe that something so horrible was on my PC that could allow someone direct access to all my personal emails and so on. It’s very similar to the way a psychopath violates us on an emotional, spiritual and physical level only this was done in a more underhanded way. With an overwhelming need to win at all costs it also goes to show the great lengths at which a psychopath will go when it comes to getting the upper hand with their targets especially when they think they have lost.
When we end a relationship with a psychopath we have to unlearn everything we believed to be true prior to meeting these disordered characters and then literally wipe our old belief systems clean and I will be discussing how I did that using voice dialogue in my new book. I have provisionally decided to call it “the Phoenix” because out of the aftermath of the relationship comes something far more precious than we could ever have imagined. Its also based on a music album I made whilst I wrote Dark souls which can be found on my-space and music website.
At the moment things are going pretty good. Financially I am in a much better position than I could ever have imagine considering I was broke two years ago. My self-esteem is back to where it should be – not full of myself, not overinflated and not down in the dumps. I feel pretty balanced and generally I am happy with my life without any partner. I’d like to think I now have a reasonably bright future ahead of me.
In some ways its fortunate that I am not a person who shares too much information about how I feel unless it is with friends or when I was having therapy. Even when I wrote Dark Souls I never really explained the depths of emotions I felt at the time including the hurt and pain I felt at finding out that my ex was a psychopath and knowing that the relationship that I believed to be real was a whole lie. I never truly explained how violated I felt by some of the things he did to me and to some degree since the relationship broke up I had little time to immediately process all the emotions I was feeling as I was so busy being in survivor mode to worry about showing my vulnerabilities. I struggled with accepting that my own family of origin were disordered too.
Since psychopaths really only want to win perhaps it’s because of this strength of character that my ex decided to keep on having a dig at me by constantly stalking me as I appeared to be not showing any signs of weakness or backing down with my blog and website and so on. However there were many times when I felt so overwhelmed by emotions and all the pressure I was under financially and with harassment I had from him stalking me via the computer that I really wanted to stop and thought to myself why even bother to do blog posts and so on along with just managing my daily family life, bringing up my family and so on.
I’d be lying to myself if I said it has not been a very tough journey and I know my survivor ability has kept me in good stead this time. But I realise now that its time for me to stop being a survivor all my life and start being happy.
Wipe, Reboot and Restart
Getting rid of a psychopath is a bit like getting rid of a computer virus. Learning how to spot manipulative disordered individuals is half the battle, finding a technician, (i.e. therapist) that understands how to get rid of them is the next step, ridding yourself of the relationship is and wiping yourself clean of all of their toxic gunk is the next step. Finally empowering ourselves to make sure our emotional radar works perfectly and that we immunize ourselves so that we don’t get riddled with the human equivalent of trojans virus and rootkits again in the future is the key to ensuring we live a happy and healthy psychopath free life.
As this woman who emailed me the other day reminded me why I did wrote Dark Souls in the first place and why empowering ourselves and others is a lifetime journey I shall continue.
Your last post was incredible. So much awesome stuff in it. I have forgiven….but I will never forget. I do accept what happened and that I had a psychopath in my life (and, apparently, I still do have him in my life to a degree). I am stronger and wiser but recently found myself with someone who is probably also a psychopath, although not to the degree that my ex-partners is. He played the same games with me. I would feel “not right” about the relationship (gut instinct talking) and break it off. He would wait a couple of weeks and come back. Same thing happens, I break it off, doesn’t feel right. He comes back a few weeks later, pouring on the charm, leaving a friendly note in my mailbox, inviting me to dinner and football, cooks for me, is sweet to me. I think that maybe, this time, we can make it work and I am settling in and being comfortable with our relationship and really starting to like him then wham…things are great one minute and the next I find his new online ad looking for a woman described exactly as myself except younger (I am older than he is). I ask him if it is his ad, he denies it and then admits it a little while later. He gives me the same line as my ex-partners. “I don’t know WHAT I want!!”
My lesson here was that, once again, I ignored my gut instinct. I believe now that my gut instinct is God’s way of screaming at me when something in my life is very, very wrong and I should avoid it at all costs. Who am I going to listen to….God or a psychopath?!
Thankfully this relationship was more “off” than “on” and the damage will be insignificant in the long run.
Bless you for all of your insight that you share with me and everyone, for writing a second book (I can’t wait!!!), for being so open about your own pain and experience and struggles…and victories! You are truly a shining light for all of us who have been affected by a horrific relationship with a psychopath.
I hope my own story and those I will be sharing with you in my new book with give you inspiration when it comes out and in the meantime I wish you you all a very happy, healthy, prosperous and psychopath free new year.