Category Archives: psychopath

Why Psychopaths are so hard to spot

Why Psychopaths are so hard to spot even for professionals

I recently had a conversation with someone who I’ll keep anonymous for their own protection who had been abused by their own parents and had was in a state of confusion as to why their own parents might want to abuse them. Worst still their one of the parents appeared to be a highly manipulative psychopath who had tried to persuade the authorities that in was in fact the adult child that was crazy.

I have heard these kinds of stories before not only only from this person so it got me on a search for different articles and stories that might explain how disordered personalities might blend into society whereas those who are neurotic maybe be labelled with illnesses they don’t even have.

For those adult children who have grown up with dysfunction it led me on a search for lots of answers. I found this video quite interesting.

Many years ago the anti psychiatry group caused an uproar when a man called David Rosenhal decided to do an experiment and see when the system was flawed. He and a few colleagues pretended to hear voices and were admitted into a psychiatric unit.

The study was done in two parts. First, healthy participants were recruited, called the “pseudopatients”. They would briefly simulate auditory hallucinations. These pseudopatients would try to be admitted to twelve different psychiatric hospitals in five states in the USA. All were admitted and diagnosed with psychiatric disorders. After admission, the pseudopatients told the staff they were fine and acted like any normal patient would. However, the staff considered this as part of their illness and did not detect any of the pseudopatients. Some of the patients were even confined for months. All were forced to admit to having a mental illness and had to agree to taking anti-psychotic medication as a condition for release.

The second part involved an offended hospital challenging Rosenhan to send pseudopatients to its facility, whom its staff would then detect. Rosenhan agreed and in the following weeks out of 193 new patients the staff identified 41 as potential pseudopatients, with 19 of these receiving suspicion from at least 1 psychiatrist and 1 other staff member. In fact Rosenhan had sent no-one to the hospital.

The study concluded, “It is clear that we cannot distinguish the sane from the insane in psychiatric hospitals”

It poses the question are psychiatrists even able to diagnose the right person with the right illness.

In another experiment called The Stanford prison experiment was a controversial study of the psychological effects of becoming a prisoner or prison guard. The experiment was conducted at Stanford University from August 14 to August 20 in 1971 by a team of researchers led by psychology professor Philip Zimbardo who also appeared in the recent movie on psychopaths called “Fishhead”.

What transpired from the experiment is that a small minority of people became “evil”

You can watch the video here

Although it appeared that everyone was playing a “role” some people took their roles more seriously than others and the abuse escalated.

One wonders whether or not the screening process that took place in the beginning was floored in the beginning and in fact some of the people who had entered the facility were possibly psychopaths.

Dr Robert Hare mentions that its very difficult to spot a psychopath even after months of knowing them and yet in the Rosenhal case they were ready to get someone committed and put them on drugs within weeks. Both studies show that put in the wrong hands those who are normal can end up being committed as insane whereas those who are actually the most dangerous may very easily slip through the radar unnoticed.

Its no wonder that many people may potentially feel untrustworthy of the psychiatric profession when there are so many variable factors to be taken into consideration.

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Filed under I am fishhead, psychopath

Psychopaths and Lying

An exercise in Lying

 

A few days ago it was my daughters 21st . Having grown up in a narcissistic family and played the role of the scapegoat I don’t remember ever celebrating my 21st birthday party so I wanted to make sure she had something nice to remember her day by. Often children of dysfunctional parents may make the mistake of spoiling their own children in the hopes that they wont make the same mistakes as their parents did. However I have learnt from bitter experience having grown up with two siblings that spoiling a child is not always a good idea.

 

I remember speaking to a counselor once who asked me about a narcissistic partner I had been with and I said he was spoilt. He asked me what did I mean by the term “spoilt”. I looked puzzled and said “I don’t really know”. He replied ” well what happens to food when you spoil it?”  I replied “its ruined, you cannot eat it”. He answered “Exactly, when you spoil a child you ruin them as a person”. His advice stayed with me for many years especially as one member of my family was spoilt most of their life and has now grown up to be highly narcissistic.

 

So back to this surprise birthday party. Much as I wanted to make sure my daughter had a birthday party because I had missed out when I was younger I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to spoil her. Her friends had arranged a surprise birthday party and I had been working extra hours this month to insure she had a nice present this month. In the run up to the surprise birthday party that she was expecting I had to spent the day pretending that we had nothing much planned for her. Her brother and I arranged it in cahoots with her friends and although she wasn’t expecting anything to be perfectly honest it was after all her 21st birthday so there was some degree of anticipation that we might have between all of us have at least arranged a small get together.

 

I was called up by her boyfriend who asked me if it would be possible to keep her occupied for a couple of hours and pretend that we had planned nothing at all.  Whilst he and all her friends arranged what was going to be a modest but lovely birthday party surprise for her. During the three hours I had to keep her away I had to come up with a number of different lies and excuses as to why we were going out, why her boyfriend might have possibly forgotten. I also had to lie about whether or not I knew whether he had planned anything. In between taking her our for a coffee and a quick snack as I knew there was food planned for later than evening and sneaking off to the toilet and making out I had some weird kind of bladder problem because I was busy texting her friends to find out what time I needed to get back I started to feel very uneasy. Even though I knew I was consciously lying and that it was for a good reason, seeing the look on my daughters face and the confusing where she felt a distinct cognitive dissonance I started to feel even more uncomfortable. The more I lied the more lies I had to tell, the more uncomfortable I felt and the more she asked questions. After 3 hours I was beginning to get a bit of a headache and wasn’t even sure I would be able to pull the whole thing off!

 

My children have always said to me that I make a terrible liar but in reality most people genuinely feel bad when they lie even when its telling a white lie like I did on her birthday.

 

However a psychopathic or disordered personality will have no hesitation telling a lie whatsoever, in fact they may be so convincing and may even start to believe their own lies. They wont care one iota that the person they are lying to feels bad, sad, disturbed, upset or even the slightest bit uncomfortable by their actions. Nor will they care when the victim starts to question them. They will have an answer ready and be able to slickly change topic so as to distract from the conversation.

 

To be honest my lying skills were useless during the whole exercise and the only way I could convincingly manage to get through the  ordeal was to remember the thing that Clinton had done and lie by omission otherwise I would not have been able to keep a straight face without laughing or worst feeling bad because she genuinely thought we had all forgotten her.

 

When my daughter asked me if I knew whether her boyfriend or friends has planned anything I just kept replying “I don’t know” rather than saying “I don’t know if he’s planned a party”. Either way if felt rubbish and I was so relieved when we finally got to her house to have the whole room shout “Happy Birthday” at which point she burst into tears.

 

She had obviously felt extremely uncomfortable as she knew “something” was wrong but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She said she was so relieved and felt silly for thinking no one had arranged anything and that she knew something was wrong all along. She commented later that I am still really bad at lying which personally I think is a good thing.

 

If you want to try to put yourself in the shoes of a psychopath try this exercise for yourself. Try spending the day making up a lie, even a white lie like the one above, and see if its possible you can keep it up all day long. See how uncomfortable or bad it makes you feel how much energy it takes to keep up the lie going. See if its even possible for you to come up with a plausible excuse when questioned about why you are doing something like sneaking off to the loo and whilst you are doing it remember this. One of the reasons targets have taken so long to “get it” is because most people want to understand why psychopaths or sociopaths or any other disordered individuals such as malignant narcissists do what they do such as cheating, lying about cancer or any other con they come up. Mostly we want to believe they are just like us which is why we try to understand them.

 

However Psychopaths DO NOT I repeat DO NOT feel or act the same way as us and therefore the exercise is futile.

We might feel like a fish out of water when lying but lying comes as easily as breathing. Expending vital energy in lying to victims isn’t an issue for a pathological personality any more than it is doing normal everyday stuff because their lack of conscience allows them to tell a lie in the same way as a normal person tries their best to tell the truth. Most conscience individuals can tell right from wrong which is why they rarely lie. The psychopath however can tell right from wrong, but it’s really not important to them. In fact psychopaths can also tell the truth as well.

 

So if both of us are able to tell right from wrong and both of us are able to tell lies what’s the difference?

 

Whereas a normal person might feel like a fish out of water psychopathic personalities are the ultimate amphibian. However uncomfortable we may feel they are as fluent at lying as a linguist is at speaking multiple languages. The psychopathic personalities sole modus operandi is to dominate and control and therefore it doesn’t really matter to them whether they are telling the truth or lying. The psychopath does not necessarily lie in order to deceive but they deceive in order to satisfy a far more primal urge –  Getting one over on their victims. If they have to incidentally tell they truth to get what they want or if they will resort to lying it makes absolutely no difference. Unlike an individual who feels bad because they are deceiving someone the psychopath will use ANY suitable means they can to deceive con and manipulate their victims and ultimately win.

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Filed under dark souls, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Happy Xmas 2011

With Xmas coming up in a couple of weeks and almost two years on since writing Dark Souls I thought today I would do a more person reflection on the last two years since I broke up with my psychopathic ex celebrate Xmas early. I’d also like to give a little encouragement to those readers of my blog who have been struggling this year with a psychopath or are dealing with the aftermath of clearing up after a relationship with a character disturbed individual and give them a little hope that things do turn around for the better now matter how bad things may appear at the time.

Today is the first day I have had off having worked nearly 70 hours straight last week on top of my self-employed job. I was originally going to have to work on xmas day however I just found out that I now have Xmas day off which means I shall be celebrating it with my son who would have otherwise been on his own for most of the day.

For those who have never read my blog posts or book or wonder how I can do so many hours along with keeping up this blog I am a survivor but I also have the hyperactive version of attention deficit disorder.  Nowadays I’ve even turned that belief about myself around that I had something weird and wrong with me and started calling  it Attention surplus disorder.  For those that don’t know what it is here are the positives and here are the negatives. And for the record from a confirmed ADDer any psychopath who tells you they have ADD and uses it as an excuse to have selective amnesia and lie or any other excuse they want to pull out of the hat.  Its just an EXCUSE. People with ADD may forget things, lack concentration or focus, and a whole host of other negatives but they DO have a conscience

I had decided a few weeks back to start working on my second book about the difficulties victims experience after ending such relationships. This includes the emotional abuse we have suffered, picking ourselves up off the floor and rebuilding our self-esteem, practical ways of earning income if we have lost everything and if like myself we have had a whole lifetime of abuse from dysfunctional families, finding ways of changing our whole belief systems. When I wrote Dark Souls I remember telling one of my closest family members that I had written it and they replied “why would you want to write a book, it’s not like anyone is going to want to read it!”.

Sometimes those of us who have upside down maps of the world when it comes to beliefs about ourselves forget to congratulate ourselves on our own achievements and spend all our time trying to get validation from others. The thing is we will never get validation from disordered individuals unless they want something from us. This year I put all those beliefs about myself aside about a need validation for anything. I put my head down, worked really hard over the last few months and two days ago got promoted in a field of work that I love doing.

A week before I finally relented and had to have my computer wiped clean as it was riddled with Trojans, viruses and a rootkit that my ex had decided to dump on the computer a while back which kept rearing its ugly head every so often until finally I had to have the whole thing wiped off. Without getting too technical my computer “appeared” to be OK but underneath it was operating with a rootkit on it that allowed my ex to monitor everything I was doing on the computer.

It was interesting because prior to collecting it I had started to think that perhaps there had been nothing wrong with it when in fact the rootkit had been hiding behind the operating system and making it look like everything was OK all along. In my mind I really didn’t want to believe that something so horrible was on my PC that could allow someone direct access to all my personal emails and so on. It’s very similar to the way a psychopath violates us on an emotional, spiritual and physical level only this was done in a more underhanded way.  With an overwhelming need to win at all costs it also goes to show the great lengths at which a psychopath will go when it comes to getting the upper hand with their targets especially when they think they have lost.

When we end a relationship with a psychopath we have to unlearn everything we believed to be true prior to meeting these disordered characters and then literally wipe our old belief systems clean and I will be discussing how I did that using voice dialogue in my new book. I have provisionally decided to call it “the Phoenix” because out of the aftermath of the relationship comes something far more precious than we could ever have imagined.  Its also based on a music album I made whilst I wrote Dark souls which can be found on my-space and music website.

At the moment things are going pretty good. Financially I am in a much better position than I could ever have imagine considering I was broke two years ago. My self-esteem is back to where it should be  – not full of myself, not overinflated and not down in the dumps. I feel pretty balanced and generally I am happy with my life without any partner. I’d like to think I now have a reasonably bright future ahead of me.

In some ways its fortunate that I am not a person who shares too much information about how I feel unless it is with friends or when I was having therapy. Even when I wrote Dark Souls I never really explained the depths of emotions I felt at the time including the hurt and pain I felt at finding out that my ex was a psychopath and knowing that the relationship that I believed to be real was a whole lie. I never truly explained how violated I felt by some of the things he did to me and to some degree since the relationship broke up I had little time to immediately process all the emotions I was feeling as I was so busy being in survivor mode to worry about showing my vulnerabilities. I struggled with accepting that my own family of origin were disordered too.

Since psychopaths really only want to win perhaps it’s because of this strength of character that my ex decided to keep on having a dig at me by constantly stalking me as I appeared to be not showing any signs of weakness or backing down with my blog and website and so on. However there were many times when I felt so overwhelmed by emotions and all the pressure I was under financially and with harassment I had from him stalking me via the computer that I really wanted to stop and thought to myself why even bother to do blog posts and so on along with just managing my daily family life, bringing up my family and so on.

I’d be lying to myself if I said it has not been a very tough journey and I know my survivor ability has kept me in good stead this time. But I realise now that its time for me to stop being a survivor all my life and start being happy.

Wipe, Reboot and Restart

Getting rid of a psychopath is a bit like getting rid of a computer virus. Learning how to spot manipulative disordered individuals is half the battle, finding a technician, (i.e. therapist) that understands how to get rid of them is the next step, ridding yourself of the relationship is and wiping yourself clean of all of their toxic gunk is the next step. Finally empowering ourselves to make sure our emotional radar works perfectly and that we immunize ourselves so that we don’t get riddled with the human equivalent of trojans virus and rootkits again in the future is the key to ensuring we live a happy and healthy psychopath free life.

As this woman who emailed me the other day reminded me why I did wrote Dark Souls in the first place and why empowering ourselves and others is a lifetime journey I shall continue.

Your last post was incredible.  So much awesome stuff in it.  I have forgiven….but I will never forget.  I do accept what happened and that I had a psychopath in my life (and, apparently, I still do have him in my life to a degree).  I am stronger and wiser but recently found myself with someone who is probably also a psychopath, although not to the degree that my ex-partners is.  He played the same games with me.  I would feel “not right” about the relationship (gut instinct talking) and break it off.  He would wait a couple of weeks and come back.  Same thing happens, I break it off, doesn’t feel right.  He comes back a few weeks later, pouring on the charm, leaving a friendly note in my mailbox, inviting me to dinner and football, cooks for me, is sweet to me.  I think that maybe, this time, we can make it work and I am settling in and being comfortable with our relationship and really starting to like him then wham…things are great one minute and the next I find his new online ad looking for a woman described exactly as myself except younger (I am older than he is).  I ask him if it is his ad, he denies it and then admits it a little while later.  He gives me the same line as my ex-partners.  “I don’t know WHAT I want!!”

My lesson here was that, once again, I ignored my gut instinct. I believe now that my gut instinct is God’s way of screaming at me when something in my life is very, very wrong and I should avoid it at all costs.  Who am I going to listen to….God or a psychopath?!

Thankfully this relationship was more “off” than “on” and the damage will be insignificant in the long run.

Bless you for all of your insight that you share with me and everyone, for writing a second book (I can’t wait!!!), for being so open about your own pain and experience and struggles…and victories!  You are truly a shining light for all of us who have been affected by a horrific relationship with a psychopath.

 

I hope my own story and those I will be sharing with you in my new book with give you inspiration when it comes out and  in the meantime I wish you you all a very happy, healthy, prosperous and psychopath free new year.

 

 

Sarah

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Filed under ADD, dark souls, empaths, mind games, psychopath, psychopathic personality, Psychopaths want to win, Sarah Strudwick, Uncategorized

Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

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Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

Say Thank you to the Psychopath

Over the last few months I have been filling in the blanks of my relationship with the man I describe in the book called Dark Souls. It will be 2 Years in January 2012 since I have had no contact apart from being stalked occasionally and also found a few more shocking things about them since I wrote the book.

During this time I have been busy recouping some of my finances, writing my blog, doing the website and Youtube videos, getting myself a new part time job along with coaching and acupuncture work to pay off all the debts I was left with.

Along with all the practical things I have had to do that such as running a business, moving house and looking after a family along with more tedious things like constantly having to change email address phone numbers and so on I have remained resolute and firm and not given up.  Occasionally I thought I would fold and surrender under the pressure. I have also had to rebuilt my self esteem from the bottom up and totally changed the way I do relationships both with friends, family and colleauges.  I have learnt to set strong boundaries that may never have existed before and learn finally to say NO.

In some ways I am a different person to the person I was when I first met him. If someone had asked me how I could have had the strength and energy to get through all the challenges I have over the last two years, the moving, changing jobs, dealing with constant email hacking, stalking, working, looking after my two children I would have replied “I can NEVER  do it”  How wrong I was.

In some ways I’d like to think that as a result of what happened I am now a more stronger improved version of the woman I thought this man had fallen in love with. Despite the scars and the pain of what happened to me it has given me the strength to become wiser and stronger. Its because of that strength I have been inspired to write and help others too.

I am currently writing my second book which I hope to have finished by Spring 2012 (work permitting) about moving on which will fill in some of the gaps that were missing in the first book.  Itwill give more hope to victims of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Hope that there is a better life at the end of the relationship, whether you have been dating them, married or grown up with them as family members.

Many people email me saying how will they ever get over the relationship? How will they ever get over the hurt and pain and the betrayal ? how will they ever trust again?. Time again victims berate themselves for having taken their disordered partners back into their lives in the hope they might change or of trying to understand them and then find that they are back to square one having to endure the pain all over again. They start to doubt their own sanity, question their own reality and underneath it all, deep down, they still want the Psychopath or sociopath to reciprocate by understanding how their callous actions affected us their victims. All of which is to no avail because the Psychopath can never see what they have done wrong because in their eyes they are perfect and you were just a target or a source of narcissistic supply.

Whenever I have what I call a down day I try to look at the positives. I meditate or play some upbeat music and remain thankful for all the positive things in my life.  For example the fact that I recently managed to take my son on holiday abroad and that I have a new part time job I really love along with my other work. I remind myself daily that I am healthy and happy.

In my darkest days I am constantly looking for ways to lift me up and inspire me and raise my vibration higher.  This inspires me to never be drawn back into the darkness ever again.

In my spare time I make dance music and composed a whole album called the Phoenix whilst I was writing Dark Souls . All of my music has no words but often when we hear words in a track it gives it a whole new meaning.

Today I found this tune which is by a band called VNV Nation which stands for Victory Not Vengeance. Often as targets or victims of psychopaths its hard not to become bitter and vengeful and to remain in a place of grace despite some of the DISgraceful things they do to us.

This track reminds us that despite everything sometimes it pays to remain in Gratitude even to Psychopath.

Whether or not the song had the same meaning when they wrote it I have no idea, but I know this will be my Anthem for the coming months whilst I finalise my second book.

For many of us its hard to find closure but the closure comes from within in a place in our hearts and our minds where we may not necessary “forgive and forget”  but we accept what’s happened.  However despite all the challenges perhaps if it were not for the Psychopath in our lives we would never be able to be inspired to be capable of doing some of the things we do because through our supposed weakness and vulnerability the psychopath leaves us with no choice but to either surrender or come back stronger than ever !  In my case I chose the latter.

Whether or not you think your psychopath or sociopath or toxic abuser is worthy of gratitute is really neither here nor there – because at the end of the day after we have healed its how we feel inside that counts.  Like the song says

“And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.”

They may not deserve our gratitude and they will never understand or care what they did was wrong and the fact that they will never “get it” doesn’t matter really!

The fact that we DID “get it” and got rid of them does ! and for that we should be eternally grateful.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.

The lyrics are below

Artist’s Website: http://www.vnvnation.com/

Lyrics:
It is not love,
If love is cold to touch.
It is not belief,
When there’s nothing there to trust.

Could not submit,
Would never bring myself to heel.
Determination grows,
As each truth’s revealed.

Torn and repaired,
Just to endure it all again,
Without a reason,
For my place in all this pain.

The well-concealed,
The scars they just compound,
Until there’s nothing left,
Of what was my former self.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.

Sometimes I wish,
That you could see me now,
In the rightful place,
Where I knew that I belonged.

Sometimes I wish,
That you might someday understand,
And close a chapter,
And lay to rest the past.

But nothing would change,
We make the best of what we have,
For we are measured,
By the actions of our lives

We bide our time,
Let the future unfold,
Like immortals,
In great legends to be told.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

To all who stood with me,
When we stood as one,
Thank you for guiding me,
For bringing me home.

And if it seems that I’m,
Obliged to say these words,
I write this in gratitude,
The least that you deserve.

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Filed under narcissistic supply, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

Cats or Dogs

Dogs or Cats?

I recently returned from a wonderful holiday in Turkey. It was my first time there and the town we were staying in had many stray cats and dogs. We stayed in a small hotel and one of a couple of the local feral cats had a litter of kittens. Being a real animal lover I couldn’t help but resist to sneak out a few tender morsels to help feed them. One of the guests commented that the only reason he came down for breakfast was so that he could sneak out a plate of meat and feed the cats. It wasn’t long before the local cats in the area realised what a soft touch all the guests were and would hover around the kitchen area in the hope of something to eat.

I have always been a cat lover. In all I have probably had over 28 cats in my lifetime since I was a child. Currently I have four cats and one dog

Whilst we were on holiday one kitten in particularly decision to take a shine to us and came and visit us in our room. We were starting to feel quite flattered and special that she was coming to see us every day. She would cry outside the door, wait to be let in and then come in and sit on the bed, purr and fall asleep. We were even beginning to feel a real bond with this animal. Usually I would go and find some food to feed her then eventually she would wander off.

However it wasn’t too long before I started to realise that we weren’t the only people she was playing this game with. She certainly wasn’t underfed and with a little detection work I started to realise she had a whole string of people pandering to her wishes and feeding all. Most of them were all completely unaware that this particular cat had a been in someone else’s room the previous day.

And there was I thinking that this little kitty had singled me out as “special”.

One morning I decided to do a test and see how she would react. I was sitting at the breakfast table and before long she was scratching and clawing at my legs because I hadn’t immediately given her anything to eat. Unlike the psychopath or sociopath who wouldn’t feel bad at all if they ignored an animal I felt really guilty for not immediately giving in to her wishes and when I tried to gently push her away because she was clearly hurting me she nonchalantly swiped me again with her claws for not giving her food.  Straight after she strolled off, flicking her tail in the air and went to another victim that would be willing to feed her. It was a real eye opener for me.

Midway during our holiday I was wandering into town with my son and a local dog started to follow us. It walked carefully by our side until we reached out destination and then whilst we were waiting for our excursion it sat down on the floor at my feet and fell asleep. I realised that this dog didn’t have an owner and that chances are I would probably find it sitting there waiting for me on my return. My daughter who had been looking after my own animals at home whilst I was away contacted me during our holiday to say that they were all fine but that my dog had been pining for me and sitting waiting patiently by the door in the hope I would return.

I was discussing with one of the locals, also a keen animal lover, why there were so many street dogs in Turkey and mentioned that I was surprised at how well they behaved considering they appeared to be wild. He replied “they are not street dogs, these are dogs that people had as pets and were kicked out of their homes. This is why they know how to behave submissively around people”.  He then said “Imagine the psychology behind being taken in as a pet and then petted one minute and then thrown out like trash onto the street”.

This is exactly how the psychopath treats their victims like a dog it no longer wants.

It’s in a dogs nature to remain submissive and obedient which is why dogs rarely attack their owners even if they are beaten or mistreated. In many ways the dog is very much like the type of person a psychopath searches for,  someone who will stick around and remain submissive no matter how badly their owner treats them. Dogs are not always able to tell the difference between a good or bad owner and for this reason they are far more vulnerable and like the dog they are the perfect target for psychopath.

In some ways aren’t we the targets of sociopath’s and psychopath’s a bit like submissive dogs?

That is until we start to realise that what we are dealing with is another species altogether. Many experts describe the psychopath as being an intra species predator, they look human, but they operate on a foundation that is more akin to that of an animal than a human.

Until recently I always assumed that cats and dogs were the same when it came to interacting with humans. however I believe now that when it comes to pulling the wool over humans cats have the upper hand. For those animal lovers like myself who love cats I apologise to cats for the following analogy.

Cats are in essence the ultimate sociopath

Much like the sociopath or psychopath cats are predatory in nature. Just watch a small kitten or cat bring in a live mouse or bird and see how it toys and plays with them. Rarely are they catching them for food. The cat is bold and independent and primarily selfish. So long as the cats needs are being met they will remain as pets. The moment you choose to ignore them and not pander to their needs they will not hesitate to scratch and swipe you or move onto the next victim or neighbourhood. Like the psychopath they hook us in by using use their looks charm and apparent sophistication but underneath the “pussy cat” exterior lies a predator in waiting.

When I finally returned from my holiday I was greeted by my loving dog who was extremely vocal and wagging her tail running around in circles the moment I entered the house. The cats on the other hand looked at me as if I a total stranger and then went immediately to the food bowl as if to say “where’s dinner”.

On a final note I wont be getting rid of any of my animals and I’ll always be a cat lover. Besides the cost of loving a cat despite getting what may appear to be little back is nothing compared to that which we invest in the psychopath. Just remember the next time you enjoying your cat sitting on your lap purring all happy and contented, Much like the relationship you had with the psychopath Chances are your favourite pussy is busy being fed and nurtured by some other soft-hearted person the moment your back is turned.

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Filed under intra species predator, psychopath, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath

Something fishy is going on

It’s interesting how many people have seen the word psychopath/ sociopath floated around and yet they still don’t have a clue what one.  Chances are they have met one, or may have even been staring one  in the face at some point in their lives and yet  because they haven’t had “direct” experience of one that its “none of their business”   Its a bit like the three wise monkey Syndrome.
They may read books from targets of psychopaths like mine with an amount of intrigue and interest and feel a certain amount of empathy especially if they have been on the receiving end themselves.  Some may even say things like “she had it coming, why was she so stupid” and yet the general population are being manipulated by psychopaths every single day of the week without even knowing it!  The problem is that so many psychopaths have felt so invincible for so long they thought they could get away with things without anyone noticing.
Its only recently that the whole picture has finally fitted into place for me.
Years ago I used to work on the equivalent of Wall Street in London.  I worked for a small american firm of stockbrokers just at the height of the feel good period when analysts and brokers made six figure salaries and spent their extended lunch hours entertaining possible clients, plying them with drinks and recreational drugs like cocaine.

Before I even knew what the word psychopath meant, in those days  it was a case of “if you can’t beat them join them” and I certainly didn’t have any inclination to become an “arse kissing“ sheep.  With this kind of mentality the new “golden boy” boss who had been appointed above me didn’t like my attitude and took my decision to leave of my hands  by selectively making me redundant whilst I was pregnant.  That was over twenty years ago.  My gut feeling back then was he couldn’t be trusted and was just motivated by his own agenda. He was later fired in an overseas post for fraud.
It was during that time that I realised at least that the banking system was “broken” and that some people weren’t quite what they seemed.  Despite what happened I felt like I was given a gift of freedom and  decided to go and work for myself doing a totally different job taking out a loan and retraining as an acupuncturist.  I knew I would earn far less that I ever could in the banking industry by my conscience was clear and I was doing something worthwhile.  It resulted in my husband at the time leaving because I’d been the main breadwinner beforehand and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t motivated by money.

Although I certainly wasn’t rich, It wasn’t until years later that I had the run in with Mr Dark Soul after building up a relatively comfortable life that  I had a “direct experience” that would affect my life emotionally and financially forever.

Today I was watching a film called “I am Fishead” with contributions by Robert Hare and Dr Babiak, both experts on psychopathy.  The film explores the correlation between psychopaths and those who have become almost sociopathic by enabling their behaviour.  It’s an excellent film and comes up with a few solutions including why we have become so apathetic.  It also explains why those who see evil around us now should speak up and say no and  mot stick our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn’t exist.  We all need to start taking responsibility for our own part in this psychopathic world that we live in were Wall Street bankers and the like have robbed millions of people of their hard-earned cash and homes and where corruption thrives in the system like a virus.

It goes on to say that “its our job to help amplify your silent voice and its your job to take action and say this is wrong!….So imagine that the most charismatic handsome person looks you in the eye and says you can “save the world” … The advantage of being in a “herd” is that when as few as 5-6 per cent the population becomes aware of danger nearly EVERYONE becomes aware. How close are we to the 5-6 per cent and what will YOU do?”

Many victims of psychopaths and sociopaths have kept silent for far too long.  Those like myself who decided to speak up and educate people about them haven’t done it because it was fun or to get revenge on our exes.  On the contrary, the amount of headache I have had by merely putting up the website and dealing with stalking from my psychopathic ex alone would be  enough to put anyone off wanting to even bother writing a book in the first place. Let alone finding time to do posts in my spare time when I am not working to pay off the bills I was left with.

What motivated me to write these posts and the book and get the message out is to same as it was back then.  I remember someone asking me why I wrote it.  I said “If I can help half a dozen women not have to go through what I went through, I’ll have done my bit”. Maybe not much in some people’s eyes but  imagine those half a dozen women educating another half a dozen and so on.  It’s because of that ripple effect that people like myself and others continue to plod along writing our posts and writing even more books about our experiences with sociopaths and psychopaths that eventually the word will spread amongst the mass population.

After all if people dont know what they are dealing with how can they deal with it?

Evil really does exist but what can we do about it?

Along the theme of “I am Fishhead” There are many people like myself “doing their bit” but I think the time has come for more conscious people to start working together and upping the volume so that the masses start to hear what we have been saying and find a solution. Those who do bad things need to start getting exposed and we need to stop enabling their behaviour.

Psychopaths can be found anywhere and as more and more people take responsibility that the 5 or 6 per cent who become aware increases as they  expose things such as corruption in governments, banking systems, corrupt religion leaders and so on .  The more all of us do this and band together , the more things can change.

Just because you haven’t had the misfortune of actually sleeping with the devil doesn’t mean you’re not having an indirect relationship of sorts with a psychopath right at this very moment .  Millions are being indirectly screwed right before their very eyes!  This is a direct experience  that will have a lasting impact for the rest of your lives  and generations to come.
People who are now starting to realise that they are already having a “direct” experience with at least one psychopath in their lives either through the banking system or through their workplace environment and its only a matter of time before it will become “their business” too when the world economy collapses  and not necessarily because they were “stupid” enough to fall in love with one or get into bed with them.

It’s then that everyone will start screaming “wolf”

People are becoming more aware but as George Simon who wrote “In sheeps Clothing” said in an interview he did about those lacking in conscience

“Sarah, if I might interrupt. Take heart, take heart. This is why we will necessarily wake up. The only question is how late it will be but this is why we will necessarily wake up . There is a most disturbing mega trend.  It’s worldwide, in free societies . The trend is that the responsibility hoisted upon the backs of those who are already responsible grows exponentially daily.

People who are relative neurotic, conscientious, and take their responsibilities seriously are asked to do more and more to make it all work every day. Those who do not take responsibility get away with more and have less actual responsibility placed on them every single day. This trend cannot continue ! It will not continue. Nature has built-in safeguards against that kind of thing happening for very long. At some point the people who are carrying the world on their shoulders will say, Enough. They will say that. And they will say about those who will not take any responsibility, they will insist that they finally step up do their fair share. It will happen. The question is, the only question is, how bad is it gonna have to get before that happens? “

Those of us “in the know” have known something was really fishy for a while now and yet up until recently no one really gave a damn because the smell wasn’t right on their doorstep!  My suggestion is that you have a look at “I am fishhead” and pass along and share before things start to get really stinky.

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Filed under character disturbance, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, In sheeps clothing, psychopath, psychopathic cartoons, psyhopaths, sociopath