Category Archives: psyhopaths

Losing is sometimes better than winning

 

This blog has primarily been about psychopathic/narcissistic personalities although recently I have been concerned not so much about the pathology but the way in which people manipulate.

 

Dr George Simon talks about the Aggressive pattern in his new book Character Disturbance. These aggressive types are split into a number of different patterns – The Unbridled Aggressive, The Channelled Aggressive, the Sadistic, the Predatory aggressive, The Mistrusting (Paranoid), and the Covert aggressive.

 

For the purpose of this article I shall be talking about the Covert Aggressive. Dr George Simon describes these types are the archetypal manipulators. They are not open in their aggressive intentions and do their best to keep the behaviour hidden under a mask. He describes their tactics as accomplishing two objectives

 

  1. The tactics effectively play on the sensitivities, vulnerabilities and conscientiousness of others (especially neurotic individuals). The other persons then go unconsciously on the defensive (i.e. retreating mode) This quashes all potential resistance.
  1. The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. The other persons have little objective evidence that the covert-aggressive is intending to take advantage of them. Instead of trusting their “gut” instincts, the other persons question themselves and get hoodwinked.

 

Dr George Simon describes the world according to the aggressive characters as only having four possible outcomes.

 

      1. I win, you Lose
      2. You win, I lose
      3. I win, You win
      4. I lose, you lose

 

Since their sole modus operandi is to ensure that they always win choosing option 1 is their first choice, if they do happen to lose they wont go down without a fight. If they see someone else who appears to be “winning” they may try to take you out at the earliest convenience. Alternatively, if by some chance they lose and get taken down they will ensure they take you down with them. It’s also one of the reasons why they see others who wish to win as a threat.

 

As I have mentioned earlier Psychopaths display any or all of the above aggressive patterns, it’s often one of the reasons why psychopaths stalk victims long after the relationship is over as a way of getting one over on their victims. Its their way of saying “You may think you have won but not until I have finished with you”.

 

Aggressive personalities and psychopaths also have a way of being able to spot neurotics weaknesses extremely easily.

 

Often neurotics do not trust our gut instincts and recently I had the misfortune of dealing with what can only be described as a covert-aggressive.

 

Its worth mentioning that just because we have got rid of a psychopath or narcissist in our lives it doesn’t necessarily mean we wont ever bump into another disordered character again either in relationship or in the workplace. Armed with better knowledge in educating ourselves how to spot them before they spot us, we also need to learn how to better deal with them in the future if we are put in a situation where me may possibly get victimized.

 

Prior to the recent run in with the covert aggressive personality which prompted this article, when I first met them my immediate reaction was to put my guard up to protect myself. However as time went on, over a period of months I started to think that maybe I was judged them too harshly and let my guard down a little. It goes back to the old adage that neurotics want to see the good in everyone but occasionally we still get blinded by their façade. As Dr Robert Hare commented in I am Fishhead often it can take months for people’s true character to be exposed and even so-called experts still get find themselves being manipulated.

 

Without going into detail about what happened, I was left in a no win situation and had to choose whether or not it was worth fighting or end up being victimized. Needless to say my gut instincts proved to be spot on or I wouldn’t be writing this article.

 

Dr George Simon talks about different ways of handling these people in the workplace in this article  . Unlike aggressive personalities I tend to be the one that always backs down but this time although I stood my ground and not wanting to be victimized I chose to “Accept the risk, and if necessary, be prepared to leave

 

I may have “lost” in their eyes but for my own emotional well-being I felt I made exactly the right decision. It might have been a risky decision for me but I was fortunate enough to not have to rely on one particular income. Sometimes we have to realize that no matter what we do others will stop at nothing in order to win. If protecting my emotional wellbeing, and not getting victimized  again makes me a loser then I I’d rather be a loser anyday

 

As Dr Simon says “If you’re prepared to deal with the risks involved, you might just find that seeking a new opportunity is the best move you ever made.”

 

For anyone who has ever been out with a psychopath or narcissist the best thing we can ever do is leave them, and avoid all contact.  The same applies to dealing with those displaying covert aggressive behaviour.  Often what appears to be the hardest choices at the time are sometimes the best. In this case backing down and leaving is almost certainly the best thing I could have done. Not only do I have peace of mind without all the head-games anymore I now have more free time on my hands to start working on my new book, details coming soon.

 

 

 

 

3 Comments

Filed under character disturbance, covert agressives, dark souls, Dr George simon, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Psychopaths and Lying

An exercise in Lying

 

A few days ago it was my daughters 21st . Having grown up in a narcissistic family and played the role of the scapegoat I don’t remember ever celebrating my 21st birthday party so I wanted to make sure she had something nice to remember her day by. Often children of dysfunctional parents may make the mistake of spoiling their own children in the hopes that they wont make the same mistakes as their parents did. However I have learnt from bitter experience having grown up with two siblings that spoiling a child is not always a good idea.

 

I remember speaking to a counselor once who asked me about a narcissistic partner I had been with and I said he was spoilt. He asked me what did I mean by the term “spoilt”. I looked puzzled and said “I don’t really know”. He replied ” well what happens to food when you spoil it?”  I replied “its ruined, you cannot eat it”. He answered “Exactly, when you spoil a child you ruin them as a person”. His advice stayed with me for many years especially as one member of my family was spoilt most of their life and has now grown up to be highly narcissistic.

 

So back to this surprise birthday party. Much as I wanted to make sure my daughter had a birthday party because I had missed out when I was younger I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to spoil her. Her friends had arranged a surprise birthday party and I had been working extra hours this month to insure she had a nice present this month. In the run up to the surprise birthday party that she was expecting I had to spent the day pretending that we had nothing much planned for her. Her brother and I arranged it in cahoots with her friends and although she wasn’t expecting anything to be perfectly honest it was after all her 21st birthday so there was some degree of anticipation that we might have between all of us have at least arranged a small get together.

 

I was called up by her boyfriend who asked me if it would be possible to keep her occupied for a couple of hours and pretend that we had planned nothing at all.  Whilst he and all her friends arranged what was going to be a modest but lovely birthday party surprise for her. During the three hours I had to keep her away I had to come up with a number of different lies and excuses as to why we were going out, why her boyfriend might have possibly forgotten. I also had to lie about whether or not I knew whether he had planned anything. In between taking her our for a coffee and a quick snack as I knew there was food planned for later than evening and sneaking off to the toilet and making out I had some weird kind of bladder problem because I was busy texting her friends to find out what time I needed to get back I started to feel very uneasy. Even though I knew I was consciously lying and that it was for a good reason, seeing the look on my daughters face and the confusing where she felt a distinct cognitive dissonance I started to feel even more uncomfortable. The more I lied the more lies I had to tell, the more uncomfortable I felt and the more she asked questions. After 3 hours I was beginning to get a bit of a headache and wasn’t even sure I would be able to pull the whole thing off!

 

My children have always said to me that I make a terrible liar but in reality most people genuinely feel bad when they lie even when its telling a white lie like I did on her birthday.

 

However a psychopathic or disordered personality will have no hesitation telling a lie whatsoever, in fact they may be so convincing and may even start to believe their own lies. They wont care one iota that the person they are lying to feels bad, sad, disturbed, upset or even the slightest bit uncomfortable by their actions. Nor will they care when the victim starts to question them. They will have an answer ready and be able to slickly change topic so as to distract from the conversation.

 

To be honest my lying skills were useless during the whole exercise and the only way I could convincingly manage to get through the  ordeal was to remember the thing that Clinton had done and lie by omission otherwise I would not have been able to keep a straight face without laughing or worst feeling bad because she genuinely thought we had all forgotten her.

 

When my daughter asked me if I knew whether her boyfriend or friends has planned anything I just kept replying “I don’t know” rather than saying “I don’t know if he’s planned a party”. Either way if felt rubbish and I was so relieved when we finally got to her house to have the whole room shout “Happy Birthday” at which point she burst into tears.

 

She had obviously felt extremely uncomfortable as she knew “something” was wrong but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She said she was so relieved and felt silly for thinking no one had arranged anything and that she knew something was wrong all along. She commented later that I am still really bad at lying which personally I think is a good thing.

 

If you want to try to put yourself in the shoes of a psychopath try this exercise for yourself. Try spending the day making up a lie, even a white lie like the one above, and see if its possible you can keep it up all day long. See how uncomfortable or bad it makes you feel how much energy it takes to keep up the lie going. See if its even possible for you to come up with a plausible excuse when questioned about why you are doing something like sneaking off to the loo and whilst you are doing it remember this. One of the reasons targets have taken so long to “get it” is because most people want to understand why psychopaths or sociopaths or any other disordered individuals such as malignant narcissists do what they do such as cheating, lying about cancer or any other con they come up. Mostly we want to believe they are just like us which is why we try to understand them.

 

However Psychopaths DO NOT I repeat DO NOT feel or act the same way as us and therefore the exercise is futile.

We might feel like a fish out of water when lying but lying comes as easily as breathing. Expending vital energy in lying to victims isn’t an issue for a pathological personality any more than it is doing normal everyday stuff because their lack of conscience allows them to tell a lie in the same way as a normal person tries their best to tell the truth. Most conscience individuals can tell right from wrong which is why they rarely lie. The psychopath however can tell right from wrong, but it’s really not important to them. In fact psychopaths can also tell the truth as well.

 

So if both of us are able to tell right from wrong and both of us are able to tell lies what’s the difference?

 

Whereas a normal person might feel like a fish out of water psychopathic personalities are the ultimate amphibian. However uncomfortable we may feel they are as fluent at lying as a linguist is at speaking multiple languages. The psychopathic personalities sole modus operandi is to dominate and control and therefore it doesn’t really matter to them whether they are telling the truth or lying. The psychopath does not necessarily lie in order to deceive but they deceive in order to satisfy a far more primal urge –  Getting one over on their victims. If they have to incidentally tell they truth to get what they want or if they will resort to lying it makes absolutely no difference. Unlike an individual who feels bad because they are deceiving someone the psychopath will use ANY suitable means they can to deceive con and manipulate their victims and ultimately win.

1 Comment

Filed under dark souls, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

8 Comments

Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

Say Thank you to the Psychopath

Over the last few months I have been filling in the blanks of my relationship with the man I describe in the book called Dark Souls. It will be 2 Years in January 2012 since I have had no contact apart from being stalked occasionally and also found a few more shocking things about them since I wrote the book.

During this time I have been busy recouping some of my finances, writing my blog, doing the website and Youtube videos, getting myself a new part time job along with coaching and acupuncture work to pay off all the debts I was left with.

Along with all the practical things I have had to do that such as running a business, moving house and looking after a family along with more tedious things like constantly having to change email address phone numbers and so on I have remained resolute and firm and not given up.  Occasionally I thought I would fold and surrender under the pressure. I have also had to rebuilt my self esteem from the bottom up and totally changed the way I do relationships both with friends, family and colleauges.  I have learnt to set strong boundaries that may never have existed before and learn finally to say NO.

In some ways I am a different person to the person I was when I first met him. If someone had asked me how I could have had the strength and energy to get through all the challenges I have over the last two years, the moving, changing jobs, dealing with constant email hacking, stalking, working, looking after my two children I would have replied “I can NEVER  do it”  How wrong I was.

In some ways I’d like to think that as a result of what happened I am now a more stronger improved version of the woman I thought this man had fallen in love with. Despite the scars and the pain of what happened to me it has given me the strength to become wiser and stronger. Its because of that strength I have been inspired to write and help others too.

I am currently writing my second book which I hope to have finished by Spring 2012 (work permitting) about moving on which will fill in some of the gaps that were missing in the first book.  Itwill give more hope to victims of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Hope that there is a better life at the end of the relationship, whether you have been dating them, married or grown up with them as family members.

Many people email me saying how will they ever get over the relationship? How will they ever get over the hurt and pain and the betrayal ? how will they ever trust again?. Time again victims berate themselves for having taken their disordered partners back into their lives in the hope they might change or of trying to understand them and then find that they are back to square one having to endure the pain all over again. They start to doubt their own sanity, question their own reality and underneath it all, deep down, they still want the Psychopath or sociopath to reciprocate by understanding how their callous actions affected us their victims. All of which is to no avail because the Psychopath can never see what they have done wrong because in their eyes they are perfect and you were just a target or a source of narcissistic supply.

Whenever I have what I call a down day I try to look at the positives. I meditate or play some upbeat music and remain thankful for all the positive things in my life.  For example the fact that I recently managed to take my son on holiday abroad and that I have a new part time job I really love along with my other work. I remind myself daily that I am healthy and happy.

In my darkest days I am constantly looking for ways to lift me up and inspire me and raise my vibration higher.  This inspires me to never be drawn back into the darkness ever again.

In my spare time I make dance music and composed a whole album called the Phoenix whilst I was writing Dark Souls . All of my music has no words but often when we hear words in a track it gives it a whole new meaning.

Today I found this tune which is by a band called VNV Nation which stands for Victory Not Vengeance. Often as targets or victims of psychopaths its hard not to become bitter and vengeful and to remain in a place of grace despite some of the DISgraceful things they do to us.

This track reminds us that despite everything sometimes it pays to remain in Gratitude even to Psychopath.

Whether or not the song had the same meaning when they wrote it I have no idea, but I know this will be my Anthem for the coming months whilst I finalise my second book.

For many of us its hard to find closure but the closure comes from within in a place in our hearts and our minds where we may not necessary “forgive and forget”  but we accept what’s happened.  However despite all the challenges perhaps if it were not for the Psychopath in our lives we would never be able to be inspired to be capable of doing some of the things we do because through our supposed weakness and vulnerability the psychopath leaves us with no choice but to either surrender or come back stronger than ever !  In my case I chose the latter.

Whether or not you think your psychopath or sociopath or toxic abuser is worthy of gratitute is really neither here nor there – because at the end of the day after we have healed its how we feel inside that counts.  Like the song says

“And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.”

They may not deserve our gratitude and they will never understand or care what they did was wrong and the fact that they will never “get it” doesn’t matter really!

The fact that we DID “get it” and got rid of them does ! and for that we should be eternally grateful.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.

The lyrics are below

Artist’s Website: http://www.vnvnation.com/

Lyrics:
It is not love,
If love is cold to touch.
It is not belief,
When there’s nothing there to trust.

Could not submit,
Would never bring myself to heel.
Determination grows,
As each truth’s revealed.

Torn and repaired,
Just to endure it all again,
Without a reason,
For my place in all this pain.

The well-concealed,
The scars they just compound,
Until there’s nothing left,
Of what was my former self.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.

Sometimes I wish,
That you could see me now,
In the rightful place,
Where I knew that I belonged.

Sometimes I wish,
That you might someday understand,
And close a chapter,
And lay to rest the past.

But nothing would change,
We make the best of what we have,
For we are measured,
By the actions of our lives

We bide our time,
Let the future unfold,
Like immortals,
In great legends to be told.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

To all who stood with me,
When we stood as one,
Thank you for guiding me,
For bringing me home.

And if it seems that I’m,
Obliged to say these words,
I write this in gratitude,
The least that you deserve.

9 Comments

Filed under narcissistic supply, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

Something fishy is going on

It’s interesting how many people have seen the word psychopath/ sociopath floated around and yet they still don’t have a clue what one.  Chances are they have met one, or may have even been staring one  in the face at some point in their lives and yet  because they haven’t had “direct” experience of one that its “none of their business”   Its a bit like the three wise monkey Syndrome.
They may read books from targets of psychopaths like mine with an amount of intrigue and interest and feel a certain amount of empathy especially if they have been on the receiving end themselves.  Some may even say things like “she had it coming, why was she so stupid” and yet the general population are being manipulated by psychopaths every single day of the week without even knowing it!  The problem is that so many psychopaths have felt so invincible for so long they thought they could get away with things without anyone noticing.
Its only recently that the whole picture has finally fitted into place for me.
Years ago I used to work on the equivalent of Wall Street in London.  I worked for a small american firm of stockbrokers just at the height of the feel good period when analysts and brokers made six figure salaries and spent their extended lunch hours entertaining possible clients, plying them with drinks and recreational drugs like cocaine.

Before I even knew what the word psychopath meant, in those days  it was a case of “if you can’t beat them join them” and I certainly didn’t have any inclination to become an “arse kissing“ sheep.  With this kind of mentality the new “golden boy” boss who had been appointed above me didn’t like my attitude and took my decision to leave of my hands  by selectively making me redundant whilst I was pregnant.  That was over twenty years ago.  My gut feeling back then was he couldn’t be trusted and was just motivated by his own agenda. He was later fired in an overseas post for fraud.
It was during that time that I realised at least that the banking system was “broken” and that some people weren’t quite what they seemed.  Despite what happened I felt like I was given a gift of freedom and  decided to go and work for myself doing a totally different job taking out a loan and retraining as an acupuncturist.  I knew I would earn far less that I ever could in the banking industry by my conscience was clear and I was doing something worthwhile.  It resulted in my husband at the time leaving because I’d been the main breadwinner beforehand and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t motivated by money.

Although I certainly wasn’t rich, It wasn’t until years later that I had the run in with Mr Dark Soul after building up a relatively comfortable life that  I had a “direct experience” that would affect my life emotionally and financially forever.

Today I was watching a film called “I am Fishead” with contributions by Robert Hare and Dr Babiak, both experts on psychopathy.  The film explores the correlation between psychopaths and those who have become almost sociopathic by enabling their behaviour.  It’s an excellent film and comes up with a few solutions including why we have become so apathetic.  It also explains why those who see evil around us now should speak up and say no and  mot stick our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn’t exist.  We all need to start taking responsibility for our own part in this psychopathic world that we live in were Wall Street bankers and the like have robbed millions of people of their hard-earned cash and homes and where corruption thrives in the system like a virus.

It goes on to say that “its our job to help amplify your silent voice and its your job to take action and say this is wrong!….So imagine that the most charismatic handsome person looks you in the eye and says you can “save the world” … The advantage of being in a “herd” is that when as few as 5-6 per cent the population becomes aware of danger nearly EVERYONE becomes aware. How close are we to the 5-6 per cent and what will YOU do?”

Many victims of psychopaths and sociopaths have kept silent for far too long.  Those like myself who decided to speak up and educate people about them haven’t done it because it was fun or to get revenge on our exes.  On the contrary, the amount of headache I have had by merely putting up the website and dealing with stalking from my psychopathic ex alone would be  enough to put anyone off wanting to even bother writing a book in the first place. Let alone finding time to do posts in my spare time when I am not working to pay off the bills I was left with.

What motivated me to write these posts and the book and get the message out is to same as it was back then.  I remember someone asking me why I wrote it.  I said “If I can help half a dozen women not have to go through what I went through, I’ll have done my bit”. Maybe not much in some people’s eyes but  imagine those half a dozen women educating another half a dozen and so on.  It’s because of that ripple effect that people like myself and others continue to plod along writing our posts and writing even more books about our experiences with sociopaths and psychopaths that eventually the word will spread amongst the mass population.

After all if people dont know what they are dealing with how can they deal with it?

Evil really does exist but what can we do about it?

Along the theme of “I am Fishhead” There are many people like myself “doing their bit” but I think the time has come for more conscious people to start working together and upping the volume so that the masses start to hear what we have been saying and find a solution. Those who do bad things need to start getting exposed and we need to stop enabling their behaviour.

Psychopaths can be found anywhere and as more and more people take responsibility that the 5 or 6 per cent who become aware increases as they  expose things such as corruption in governments, banking systems, corrupt religion leaders and so on .  The more all of us do this and band together , the more things can change.

Just because you haven’t had the misfortune of actually sleeping with the devil doesn’t mean you’re not having an indirect relationship of sorts with a psychopath right at this very moment .  Millions are being indirectly screwed right before their very eyes!  This is a direct experience  that will have a lasting impact for the rest of your lives  and generations to come.
People who are now starting to realise that they are already having a “direct” experience with at least one psychopath in their lives either through the banking system or through their workplace environment and its only a matter of time before it will become “their business” too when the world economy collapses  and not necessarily because they were “stupid” enough to fall in love with one or get into bed with them.

It’s then that everyone will start screaming “wolf”

People are becoming more aware but as George Simon who wrote “In sheeps Clothing” said in an interview he did about those lacking in conscience

“Sarah, if I might interrupt. Take heart, take heart. This is why we will necessarily wake up. The only question is how late it will be but this is why we will necessarily wake up . There is a most disturbing mega trend.  It’s worldwide, in free societies . The trend is that the responsibility hoisted upon the backs of those who are already responsible grows exponentially daily.

People who are relative neurotic, conscientious, and take their responsibilities seriously are asked to do more and more to make it all work every day. Those who do not take responsibility get away with more and have less actual responsibility placed on them every single day. This trend cannot continue ! It will not continue. Nature has built-in safeguards against that kind of thing happening for very long. At some point the people who are carrying the world on their shoulders will say, Enough. They will say that. And they will say about those who will not take any responsibility, they will insist that they finally step up do their fair share. It will happen. The question is, the only question is, how bad is it gonna have to get before that happens? “

Those of us “in the know” have known something was really fishy for a while now and yet up until recently no one really gave a damn because the smell wasn’t right on their doorstep!  My suggestion is that you have a look at “I am fishhead” and pass along and share before things start to get really stinky.

5 Comments

Filed under character disturbance, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, In sheeps clothing, psychopath, psychopathic cartoons, psyhopaths, sociopath

Repairing the Broken Mirror in Ourselves

Looking in the Mirror

One of the things I talk about in Dark Souls is the need for victims to look within themselves at the reasons why they attracted psychopaths or narcissists into their lives. Many books talk about how to spot them but few talk about why psychopaths may target certain types of people more than others.

At the moment there is a big shift in consciousness whereby psychopathic corporations are being exposed all over the world. Conscious, empathic, aware individuals are finally starting to wake up to the reality that a small minority of psychopaths really do run the majority of the planet. One thing is clear though – its through our own collective “enabling” of these psychopathic individuals that we have managed to end up in the position whereby our savings, houses are livelihoods are now in jeopardy.

Any kind of psychopathic organisation is unable to spin their web of lies without a willing group of followers who are able to make it all believable.

When it comes to a one on one relationship with a psychopath it becomes a more personal affair but it is also there to  mirror something deep in our own psyche that we may not wish to look at. Often we will hear of stories where people have been in relationship with these predators and its taken years before anyone if ever believes the victims. The psychopath has managed to con an manipulate so many people around them for so long they convince others that the target is insane or crazy.

Someone once said to me many years ago that when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need in our lives it’s the universes’ way of clearly saying that we no longer need that person in our lives anymore and making way for something better to come along.

We all want to see the good in people and when we spot the red flags we know deep down that the psychopath or sociopath is not all they are cracked up to be. We know that image they are portraying in the mirror is flawed but we want to make it all right. The distorted projected image that they reflect back to us is that of someone who is kind, empathic, loving, hard-working (fill in the blanks). However,  underneath the mask the psychopathic personality inherently flawed without ANY of these characteristics.

So why are our own mirror images of ourselves flawed and  what it is about ourselves that is attracted to them in the first place?

Many (not all) of the people who have contacted me for coaching or read my book Dark Souls come from a background of abuse and neglect of their own emotional needs.  They come with an unconscious feeling that they may not be worthy of being loved by another kind, loving person. The hook between the psychopath and the empathic person is that we see something in them that is inherently flawed in them, but at the same time is inherently flawed in us. I am not necessary talking about victims all suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder since many of the people who have contacted me have grown up with parents who are narcissists but have also spent their lives trying not to be like them but this “flaw” is often inherently wired in our systems as a result of our upbringing and projections from parents or spouses and its one of the hooks that psychopaths love.   An example of this is that we may be inherently bad, worthless, (fill in the blanks) all of which is totally unconscious and none of which is true.

What better way for a psychopath to get someone sucked in that, in their eyes, they see as the same as them.  In the eyes of the psychopaths eye they believe they have met their match. A mirror image of themselves. They see all the other things about us “the good bits” as being things they want in themselves! The irony is that when they meet us they soon start to realise that they have none of our other characteristics, kindness, empathy, ability to work hard, having a conscious and so on because they are just hard-wired to win and abuse people. This is when they start to get angry and want to punish us for being something they can never be.

When they realise that we aren’t evil or “like them” and can’t help them out or have run out of things they can steal off us which is why so many psychopathic corporations thrive based on them working together they see this as a flaw and use this against us to try to exert power and control over us so they can win.  As Dr George Simon puts it.

“You win I win, You lose I win, I win You Lose
and finally I lose, You Lose”

Whis is the main reason they try to hurt us so badly when we stand up to them or walk away.

Why we end up helping each other

When the relationship is over, we as targets, end up realising that these psychopathic predators are not what they seem either, and that their image of themselves is cracked and flawed as our own. We reason that there is no good in there that we so wanted to believe in and realise that all of the other faulty characteristics we believed about ourselves such as not being worthy of having kind loving relationships are all wrong. When we are prepared to look at our own flaws we are able to repair that broken mirror that was flawed in the first place and bring back the shine we once had before we were tainted by these psychopathic characters.

In some ways it’s a bit like a symbiotic relationship the same as it was when it was toxic. The psychopath in our lives is there to help us to be authentic and expose our own vulnerabilities and teach us to be who we really are. We learn how to become our true selves and how to love ourselves properly.  What they give us is a gift of authenticity.

We are then obliged to do give the same gift back to the psychopath. Like the psychopth who studies us, using our weaknesses against us, we educate ourselves, learn about their disorder and we end up dumping or leaving the psychopath/narcissist or Sociopath in our lives. Each one of us reflecting back that part of us in ourselves which no longer serves us.

The psychopath is then left having to be their real authentic selves too i.e. a dark empty shell. They are left with a reflection of themselves they no longer like which is why they will never look in the mirror or change themselves. They will never look at their own flaws and will continue to spend a lifetime searching for more shiny mirrors in the hope that we’ll reflect something back to them that was never there in the first place.

I leave you with a poem I wrote to my ex a few years when he was supposed to have cancer which turned out to just one of his many lies. I realise now I was writing it to myself and that the cancer is an analogy for the Dark Souls in our lives.

“The Mirror

 

tis another year on and our dreams are all shattered
All that we hoped for and all that had mattered
my eyes are still sore from crying rose-coloured tears
you now face your own demons as i have faced my own fears
that cancers a fu**er it will keep on returning
if you don’t pull out its root that lies in your heart yearning
I’m not talking about me or some lover or wife
I am talking about you, what you want in your life
its much easier to forget to just get on and do
numbs the brain and the senses and our soul too
so i found you a mirror that was special and good
it was tucked in the cellar and carved in oak wood
its hidden for years in a dusty old room
it holds answers to secrets you never dreamed could
when you look in the mirror tell me what do you see
is it you, or you children, your wife, or is it me
I think none of the above because the view isn’t clear
it’s just smeared with anger and guilt and fear
pull the cloth from your pocket and start to erase
all the smears on the mirror and start clearing the haze
as you wipe away layers of dirt built over time
you will fight back the tears as you clean off the grime
Your fingers are hurting your can’t rub anymore
you’ll leave it for now there’s a knock at the door
Oh “I’ll deal with it later” you say to yourself
no one cares about that old mirror put it back on the shelf
but you can’t do that ***** its too special to leave
the woods starting to rot and it needs air to breath
the mirror is tarnished you must do it in time
it takes forever to polish and bring back the shine
then you will look in the mirror it will all become clear
with each rub of the cloth you have faced all your fear
As you look in the mirror you see only YOU
no kids, no lover, no wife – my god what will you do
Say hello to yourself for the first time in years
don’t mess up the mirror again with your tears
it’s a special mirror that needs nurture and care as do you
if you look after it well it will be honest and true
it will reflect all your dreams and hopes and fears
but the maintenance polish is not your own tears
its only small ***** not much bigger than a locket
if you keep it with you always it will fit in your pocket
just remember to look after it as I try to do
and it will always be kind to you and let you be YOU

4 Comments

Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, empaths, George Simon, In sheeps clothing, predatory aggressive personalities, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

One big Lie – The mantra of the Psychopath

After reading Claudia Moscovoci’s excellent article this morning on “Why Psychopaths lie” I decided to do an article explaining the crazy making ways in which psychopaths lie and manipulate their victims. There’s an expression made famous by Bill Clinton when he was asked if he had sex with Monica Lewinsky and he replied “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Then was then a pause to which he then went on to say “Monica Lewinsky, I never told anyone to lie” and then changed the subject completely to divert from the original question.

Most people would have taken what he has said as the truth but he wasn’t answering the question directly. Interesting enough I have always had my own opinions about Bill Clinton but I read with interest and an article where someone described Clinton as an adaptive psychopath

“He is not real. Efron writes of the fragment of stone at the bottom of Stephanopolous’ kaleidoscope — reflecting in a unique way, showing a different facet to each person as Clinton turns. This is a metaphor for the elusive “real Clinton;” but, in truth, there is no real Clinton that we could possibly comprehend. That little fragment is so alien that it might as well not exist in our universe. At the core of this man, Clinton, where the soul is supposed to be, there is, instead, a gaping void. A black hole. The Sun King exists only as the irresistible gravitational pull he exerts on others and the dying light — the catastrophic annihilation — of everyone and everything that strays too close to his event horizon. Within, there is an unknowable emptiness.”

An interesting analogy as I described these characters as being Darks Souls giving a similar example of Black holes in my book. I believe the unknowing emptyiness lacking in themselves is one of the reasons that psychopaths target people who have something unique to offer them so they can literally steal it from us.

Lying by Omission

Below are a couple of real examples on how psychopaths might lie when faced with a direct question. When I was dating my ex he would usually look very uncomfortable when faced with a question that he wanted to avoid.

During the time we were together he had left his wife and admitted to being in a lot of debt. I have two children myself and so does he and I was concerned that he would be a good parent and support his own children. He told me that he had left his wife and that he was paying his children’s school fees. When I sensed he wasn’t telling the truth I got a sensation in throat that something didn’t feel right so I said to him “are you sure” . Acting defensively he said well “if you don’t believe me have a look at this” and produced a letter from the school with a direct debit slip attached. I never once thought to ask to see his bank statements to see if the payments were actually coming out of his bank account. The problem is that we want to believe people but when it comes to psychopaths we must never assume anything.

On another occasion he had been offered a brand new job with a big corporation and was on a training event for a couple of weeks. It meant him staying at a hotel for two weeks. I knew the name of this new company he was working for and yet still I had this uneasy feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I asked what hotel he was staying in and he said it was a hotel in Swindon called “Holiday Inn”. I even called up the company without telling him and asked if they had a reservation for him to which they said no. I then called the company where he supposedly worked. I was told by the company that they didn’t recognise his name but they did have a Mr “Smith” working there. I asked if they booked training directly with the hotel as he’d told me the company where paying for his hotel expenses for the two weeks he was there and they said unless he was a senior manager company policy was for people to pay for their own hotels and then claim the expenses back. As he was already living in a property I had and supposed to be paying rent I couldn’t understand why he would want to pay for a hotel and have additional cost especially as he was supposed to be in debt.

By this time I was very suspicious and he did his usual acting defensively and said if you don’t believe that I am staying in “a” hotel come down. I called his bluff and I drove nearly 200 miles that night. As I was about to leave the motorway I got a call from him saying he hoped I had a good sense of humour and that he got the name of the hotel muddled up and that he wasn’t staying at the “Holiday Inn” but he was in fact staying at the Days Inn instead. In fact he even laughed and say something like “Oh my days” I am so sorry I did that, I’ll make it up to you when you get here.

When I arrived angry and flustered I wanted to ask the receptionist if he has stayed there the two weeks prior and she replied yes but put her head down. Because he was all nice and happy when I arrived he was trying to distract me. In hind site I realise that the receptionist would have the interests and confidentialy of her client and would have said anything. There was no invoice and no proof he had stayed there.

It turned out that the job he had was non-existent and that it just so happened he’d chosen to clone himself for a high position job at a company where there just happened to be a person working there in the department he was supposed to be in with the same surname as him.

When I finally uncovered all of the lies nothing he had told me was true.

These are just a few examples of how he and other psychopaths like him lie. I think one of the best examples was finding him on a modelling site. This was the very first time I realised I was dealing with a pathological  liar and which was what led me to finding out all of the above and researching people with personality disorders.

My ex Dark Soul had pictures of himself dressed up in a kilt and photos of himself cut and pasted out of his wedding pictures. He was offering his services as a male model providing walk on prince Charlie parts. When I asked him why he was on the site he said he had no aspirations to be a model or actor and that “I was making it up and it was all my imagination”. I checked and within hours google had taken the page off. He must have deleted his profile. What he didn’t realise is that Google caches pages and leaves an imprint for nearly 3 months even if the page no longer exists so long as the image is still on the server. I told him and he then said “Well someone must have put it on there for a laugh, perhaps my mum or wife did it”. Having had two children myself who has been to a modelling agency when they were small I thought that you need to prove who you are so I called up the model agency and asked them. I said “Is it possible for someone to put up someone else’s pictures without their permission?” They replied “No everyone on the site has to send in a photocopy of their passport details”.

By this time my ex was very defensive and angry and this was the start of uncovering what can only be described as a catalogue of lies and deceit ranging from having a non-existent jobs for over 2 years, to lying about having cancer, to putting himself on multiple sex sites and being a sperm donor just to mention a few.  He promptly an email to a non existent email address on the modelling site and copied me in asking why he was on the website.  What followed after confronting him with the details of his modelling advert was a root kit was dumped on my computer via the email hed copied me on on which which wiped off my PC and the rest is history.

I realised that the whole relationship was one big performance from start to finish.


The problem with liars whether they are psychopaths or not is that normal human beings feel bad when they lie. Psychopaths do not. To tell a lie takes up energy. When you tell one lie you have to cover it up with another one. This is where having a conscience is a real bummer. My children always make fun of me and say “Mum you are rubbish at lying”, even when it comes down to small things. I feel bad if I lie and can’t even lie about simple things like telling my kids I have nothing planned for the year when secretly I have planned a holiday. If I have had a bad day it shows on my face. I am an open book.

The only energy psychopaths use is to control and win. So expending energy into concocting a load of cods wallop is like water off a ducks back for them. Psychopaths are like puppets and can only “imitate” real emotions. They cannot experience them or feel real emotions or happiness, which is one of the reasons they are so attracted to victims like us because in reality they just want to be like us and know that they cannot. It’s also why they spend so much time preying and feeding off of our energy and good nature like vampires. Without victims they would die and end up the projected images of themselves they so wish to hide from everyone else. Everything about them is a mask and many victims say that their narcissistic ex or psychopath is a complete mess months after a breakup until of course they have their next energetic and economic feeding frenzy off their next victim.

Its all a big act

When it comes to convincing acting just Hollywood actor playing an oscar award winning role and your totally sucked into a story of the character they play.

Since we are already sucked into the psychopathic narcissists superficial glibness and charm and acting skills and the way in which the manage to convince they have genuine feelings. It comes as no surprise that they are able to lie and deceive us with the same dexterity.

Next time you see or hear something that doesn’t quite add up. Chances are it really doesn’t add up at all. Your internal radar is there for a reason screaming out to you with cognitive dissonance that something is wrong. A bit like the Bill Clinton story where everyone heard the words but no one really believed him.

Trusting our primal instincts

I have read a few times that when we first meet a psychopath the hairs on our neck stand up. It’s our animal instinct warning us to stay away from these people who some people choose to ignore. People have spent years convincing ourselves we are higher dimensional beings but underneath we are also animals, prey and predator. It’s through thousands of years of deprogramming our authentic selves that we have ended up putting ourselves at risk by ignoring one of the biggest lies in history. We may well have been prey to these psychopaths but evolution is starting to teach us that we need to listen to our animal instincts and not have to be part of their game any more.  The more we evolve as conscious human individuals the more we can spot and expose these predators.

When I first met my ex I got this feeling of the hairs on my neck and confused it with sexual chemistry. Five years later and I was so far pumped up with oxytocin and lies I was hooked. Hopefully next time your psychopathic starts looking you squarely in the face with a bare-faced lie whether it be your partner, boss or co-worker.  I hope that  you’ll start to recall and remember that feeling too and run away as fast as you can and not be prey to them any longer.

2 Comments

Filed under claudia moscovici, dark souls, liars, projection, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick