Category Archives: Sarah Strudwick

Losing is sometimes better than winning

 

This blog has primarily been about psychopathic/narcissistic personalities although recently I have been concerned not so much about the pathology but the way in which people manipulate.

 

Dr George Simon talks about the Aggressive pattern in his new book Character Disturbance. These aggressive types are split into a number of different patterns – The Unbridled Aggressive, The Channelled Aggressive, the Sadistic, the Predatory aggressive, The Mistrusting (Paranoid), and the Covert aggressive.

 

For the purpose of this article I shall be talking about the Covert Aggressive. Dr George Simon describes these types are the archetypal manipulators. They are not open in their aggressive intentions and do their best to keep the behaviour hidden under a mask. He describes their tactics as accomplishing two objectives

 

  1. The tactics effectively play on the sensitivities, vulnerabilities and conscientiousness of others (especially neurotic individuals). The other persons then go unconsciously on the defensive (i.e. retreating mode) This quashes all potential resistance.
  1. The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. The other persons have little objective evidence that the covert-aggressive is intending to take advantage of them. Instead of trusting their “gut” instincts, the other persons question themselves and get hoodwinked.

 

Dr George Simon describes the world according to the aggressive characters as only having four possible outcomes.

 

      1. I win, you Lose
      2. You win, I lose
      3. I win, You win
      4. I lose, you lose

 

Since their sole modus operandi is to ensure that they always win choosing option 1 is their first choice, if they do happen to lose they wont go down without a fight. If they see someone else who appears to be “winning” they may try to take you out at the earliest convenience. Alternatively, if by some chance they lose and get taken down they will ensure they take you down with them. It’s also one of the reasons why they see others who wish to win as a threat.

 

As I have mentioned earlier Psychopaths display any or all of the above aggressive patterns, it’s often one of the reasons why psychopaths stalk victims long after the relationship is over as a way of getting one over on their victims. Its their way of saying “You may think you have won but not until I have finished with you”.

 

Aggressive personalities and psychopaths also have a way of being able to spot neurotics weaknesses extremely easily.

 

Often neurotics do not trust our gut instincts and recently I had the misfortune of dealing with what can only be described as a covert-aggressive.

 

Its worth mentioning that just because we have got rid of a psychopath or narcissist in our lives it doesn’t necessarily mean we wont ever bump into another disordered character again either in relationship or in the workplace. Armed with better knowledge in educating ourselves how to spot them before they spot us, we also need to learn how to better deal with them in the future if we are put in a situation where me may possibly get victimized.

 

Prior to the recent run in with the covert aggressive personality which prompted this article, when I first met them my immediate reaction was to put my guard up to protect myself. However as time went on, over a period of months I started to think that maybe I was judged them too harshly and let my guard down a little. It goes back to the old adage that neurotics want to see the good in everyone but occasionally we still get blinded by their façade. As Dr Robert Hare commented in I am Fishhead often it can take months for people’s true character to be exposed and even so-called experts still get find themselves being manipulated.

 

Without going into detail about what happened, I was left in a no win situation and had to choose whether or not it was worth fighting or end up being victimized. Needless to say my gut instincts proved to be spot on or I wouldn’t be writing this article.

 

Dr George Simon talks about different ways of handling these people in the workplace in this article  . Unlike aggressive personalities I tend to be the one that always backs down but this time although I stood my ground and not wanting to be victimized I chose to “Accept the risk, and if necessary, be prepared to leave

 

I may have “lost” in their eyes but for my own emotional well-being I felt I made exactly the right decision. It might have been a risky decision for me but I was fortunate enough to not have to rely on one particular income. Sometimes we have to realize that no matter what we do others will stop at nothing in order to win. If protecting my emotional wellbeing, and not getting victimized  again makes me a loser then I I’d rather be a loser anyday

 

As Dr Simon says “If you’re prepared to deal with the risks involved, you might just find that seeking a new opportunity is the best move you ever made.”

 

For anyone who has ever been out with a psychopath or narcissist the best thing we can ever do is leave them, and avoid all contact.  The same applies to dealing with those displaying covert aggressive behaviour.  Often what appears to be the hardest choices at the time are sometimes the best. In this case backing down and leaving is almost certainly the best thing I could have done. Not only do I have peace of mind without all the head-games anymore I now have more free time on my hands to start working on my new book, details coming soon.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under character disturbance, covert agressives, dark souls, Dr George simon, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Psychopaths and Lying

An exercise in Lying

 

A few days ago it was my daughters 21st . Having grown up in a narcissistic family and played the role of the scapegoat I don’t remember ever celebrating my 21st birthday party so I wanted to make sure she had something nice to remember her day by. Often children of dysfunctional parents may make the mistake of spoiling their own children in the hopes that they wont make the same mistakes as their parents did. However I have learnt from bitter experience having grown up with two siblings that spoiling a child is not always a good idea.

 

I remember speaking to a counselor once who asked me about a narcissistic partner I had been with and I said he was spoilt. He asked me what did I mean by the term “spoilt”. I looked puzzled and said “I don’t really know”. He replied ” well what happens to food when you spoil it?”  I replied “its ruined, you cannot eat it”. He answered “Exactly, when you spoil a child you ruin them as a person”. His advice stayed with me for many years especially as one member of my family was spoilt most of their life and has now grown up to be highly narcissistic.

 

So back to this surprise birthday party. Much as I wanted to make sure my daughter had a birthday party because I had missed out when I was younger I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to spoil her. Her friends had arranged a surprise birthday party and I had been working extra hours this month to insure she had a nice present this month. In the run up to the surprise birthday party that she was expecting I had to spent the day pretending that we had nothing much planned for her. Her brother and I arranged it in cahoots with her friends and although she wasn’t expecting anything to be perfectly honest it was after all her 21st birthday so there was some degree of anticipation that we might have between all of us have at least arranged a small get together.

 

I was called up by her boyfriend who asked me if it would be possible to keep her occupied for a couple of hours and pretend that we had planned nothing at all.  Whilst he and all her friends arranged what was going to be a modest but lovely birthday party surprise for her. During the three hours I had to keep her away I had to come up with a number of different lies and excuses as to why we were going out, why her boyfriend might have possibly forgotten. I also had to lie about whether or not I knew whether he had planned anything. In between taking her our for a coffee and a quick snack as I knew there was food planned for later than evening and sneaking off to the toilet and making out I had some weird kind of bladder problem because I was busy texting her friends to find out what time I needed to get back I started to feel very uneasy. Even though I knew I was consciously lying and that it was for a good reason, seeing the look on my daughters face and the confusing where she felt a distinct cognitive dissonance I started to feel even more uncomfortable. The more I lied the more lies I had to tell, the more uncomfortable I felt and the more she asked questions. After 3 hours I was beginning to get a bit of a headache and wasn’t even sure I would be able to pull the whole thing off!

 

My children have always said to me that I make a terrible liar but in reality most people genuinely feel bad when they lie even when its telling a white lie like I did on her birthday.

 

However a psychopathic or disordered personality will have no hesitation telling a lie whatsoever, in fact they may be so convincing and may even start to believe their own lies. They wont care one iota that the person they are lying to feels bad, sad, disturbed, upset or even the slightest bit uncomfortable by their actions. Nor will they care when the victim starts to question them. They will have an answer ready and be able to slickly change topic so as to distract from the conversation.

 

To be honest my lying skills were useless during the whole exercise and the only way I could convincingly manage to get through the  ordeal was to remember the thing that Clinton had done and lie by omission otherwise I would not have been able to keep a straight face without laughing or worst feeling bad because she genuinely thought we had all forgotten her.

 

When my daughter asked me if I knew whether her boyfriend or friends has planned anything I just kept replying “I don’t know” rather than saying “I don’t know if he’s planned a party”. Either way if felt rubbish and I was so relieved when we finally got to her house to have the whole room shout “Happy Birthday” at which point she burst into tears.

 

She had obviously felt extremely uncomfortable as she knew “something” was wrong but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She said she was so relieved and felt silly for thinking no one had arranged anything and that she knew something was wrong all along. She commented later that I am still really bad at lying which personally I think is a good thing.

 

If you want to try to put yourself in the shoes of a psychopath try this exercise for yourself. Try spending the day making up a lie, even a white lie like the one above, and see if its possible you can keep it up all day long. See how uncomfortable or bad it makes you feel how much energy it takes to keep up the lie going. See if its even possible for you to come up with a plausible excuse when questioned about why you are doing something like sneaking off to the loo and whilst you are doing it remember this. One of the reasons targets have taken so long to “get it” is because most people want to understand why psychopaths or sociopaths or any other disordered individuals such as malignant narcissists do what they do such as cheating, lying about cancer or any other con they come up. Mostly we want to believe they are just like us which is why we try to understand them.

 

However Psychopaths DO NOT I repeat DO NOT feel or act the same way as us and therefore the exercise is futile.

We might feel like a fish out of water when lying but lying comes as easily as breathing. Expending vital energy in lying to victims isn’t an issue for a pathological personality any more than it is doing normal everyday stuff because their lack of conscience allows them to tell a lie in the same way as a normal person tries their best to tell the truth. Most conscience individuals can tell right from wrong which is why they rarely lie. The psychopath however can tell right from wrong, but it’s really not important to them. In fact psychopaths can also tell the truth as well.

 

So if both of us are able to tell right from wrong and both of us are able to tell lies what’s the difference?

 

Whereas a normal person might feel like a fish out of water psychopathic personalities are the ultimate amphibian. However uncomfortable we may feel they are as fluent at lying as a linguist is at speaking multiple languages. The psychopathic personalities sole modus operandi is to dominate and control and therefore it doesn’t really matter to them whether they are telling the truth or lying. The psychopath does not necessarily lie in order to deceive but they deceive in order to satisfy a far more primal urge –  Getting one over on their victims. If they have to incidentally tell they truth to get what they want or if they will resort to lying it makes absolutely no difference. Unlike an individual who feels bad because they are deceiving someone the psychopath will use ANY suitable means they can to deceive con and manipulate their victims and ultimately win.

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Filed under dark souls, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Happy Xmas 2011

With Xmas coming up in a couple of weeks and almost two years on since writing Dark Souls I thought today I would do a more person reflection on the last two years since I broke up with my psychopathic ex celebrate Xmas early. I’d also like to give a little encouragement to those readers of my blog who have been struggling this year with a psychopath or are dealing with the aftermath of clearing up after a relationship with a character disturbed individual and give them a little hope that things do turn around for the better now matter how bad things may appear at the time.

Today is the first day I have had off having worked nearly 70 hours straight last week on top of my self-employed job. I was originally going to have to work on xmas day however I just found out that I now have Xmas day off which means I shall be celebrating it with my son who would have otherwise been on his own for most of the day.

For those who have never read my blog posts or book or wonder how I can do so many hours along with keeping up this blog I am a survivor but I also have the hyperactive version of attention deficit disorder.  Nowadays I’ve even turned that belief about myself around that I had something weird and wrong with me and started calling  it Attention surplus disorder.  For those that don’t know what it is here are the positives and here are the negatives. And for the record from a confirmed ADDer any psychopath who tells you they have ADD and uses it as an excuse to have selective amnesia and lie or any other excuse they want to pull out of the hat.  Its just an EXCUSE. People with ADD may forget things, lack concentration or focus, and a whole host of other negatives but they DO have a conscience

I had decided a few weeks back to start working on my second book about the difficulties victims experience after ending such relationships. This includes the emotional abuse we have suffered, picking ourselves up off the floor and rebuilding our self-esteem, practical ways of earning income if we have lost everything and if like myself we have had a whole lifetime of abuse from dysfunctional families, finding ways of changing our whole belief systems. When I wrote Dark Souls I remember telling one of my closest family members that I had written it and they replied “why would you want to write a book, it’s not like anyone is going to want to read it!”.

Sometimes those of us who have upside down maps of the world when it comes to beliefs about ourselves forget to congratulate ourselves on our own achievements and spend all our time trying to get validation from others. The thing is we will never get validation from disordered individuals unless they want something from us. This year I put all those beliefs about myself aside about a need validation for anything. I put my head down, worked really hard over the last few months and two days ago got promoted in a field of work that I love doing.

A week before I finally relented and had to have my computer wiped clean as it was riddled with Trojans, viruses and a rootkit that my ex had decided to dump on the computer a while back which kept rearing its ugly head every so often until finally I had to have the whole thing wiped off. Without getting too technical my computer “appeared” to be OK but underneath it was operating with a rootkit on it that allowed my ex to monitor everything I was doing on the computer.

It was interesting because prior to collecting it I had started to think that perhaps there had been nothing wrong with it when in fact the rootkit had been hiding behind the operating system and making it look like everything was OK all along. In my mind I really didn’t want to believe that something so horrible was on my PC that could allow someone direct access to all my personal emails and so on. It’s very similar to the way a psychopath violates us on an emotional, spiritual and physical level only this was done in a more underhanded way.  With an overwhelming need to win at all costs it also goes to show the great lengths at which a psychopath will go when it comes to getting the upper hand with their targets especially when they think they have lost.

When we end a relationship with a psychopath we have to unlearn everything we believed to be true prior to meeting these disordered characters and then literally wipe our old belief systems clean and I will be discussing how I did that using voice dialogue in my new book. I have provisionally decided to call it “the Phoenix” because out of the aftermath of the relationship comes something far more precious than we could ever have imagined.  Its also based on a music album I made whilst I wrote Dark souls which can be found on my-space and music website.

At the moment things are going pretty good. Financially I am in a much better position than I could ever have imagine considering I was broke two years ago. My self-esteem is back to where it should be  – not full of myself, not overinflated and not down in the dumps. I feel pretty balanced and generally I am happy with my life without any partner. I’d like to think I now have a reasonably bright future ahead of me.

In some ways its fortunate that I am not a person who shares too much information about how I feel unless it is with friends or when I was having therapy. Even when I wrote Dark Souls I never really explained the depths of emotions I felt at the time including the hurt and pain I felt at finding out that my ex was a psychopath and knowing that the relationship that I believed to be real was a whole lie. I never truly explained how violated I felt by some of the things he did to me and to some degree since the relationship broke up I had little time to immediately process all the emotions I was feeling as I was so busy being in survivor mode to worry about showing my vulnerabilities. I struggled with accepting that my own family of origin were disordered too.

Since psychopaths really only want to win perhaps it’s because of this strength of character that my ex decided to keep on having a dig at me by constantly stalking me as I appeared to be not showing any signs of weakness or backing down with my blog and website and so on. However there were many times when I felt so overwhelmed by emotions and all the pressure I was under financially and with harassment I had from him stalking me via the computer that I really wanted to stop and thought to myself why even bother to do blog posts and so on along with just managing my daily family life, bringing up my family and so on.

I’d be lying to myself if I said it has not been a very tough journey and I know my survivor ability has kept me in good stead this time. But I realise now that its time for me to stop being a survivor all my life and start being happy.

Wipe, Reboot and Restart

Getting rid of a psychopath is a bit like getting rid of a computer virus. Learning how to spot manipulative disordered individuals is half the battle, finding a technician, (i.e. therapist) that understands how to get rid of them is the next step, ridding yourself of the relationship is and wiping yourself clean of all of their toxic gunk is the next step. Finally empowering ourselves to make sure our emotional radar works perfectly and that we immunize ourselves so that we don’t get riddled with the human equivalent of trojans virus and rootkits again in the future is the key to ensuring we live a happy and healthy psychopath free life.

As this woman who emailed me the other day reminded me why I did wrote Dark Souls in the first place and why empowering ourselves and others is a lifetime journey I shall continue.

Your last post was incredible.  So much awesome stuff in it.  I have forgiven….but I will never forget.  I do accept what happened and that I had a psychopath in my life (and, apparently, I still do have him in my life to a degree).  I am stronger and wiser but recently found myself with someone who is probably also a psychopath, although not to the degree that my ex-partners is.  He played the same games with me.  I would feel “not right” about the relationship (gut instinct talking) and break it off.  He would wait a couple of weeks and come back.  Same thing happens, I break it off, doesn’t feel right.  He comes back a few weeks later, pouring on the charm, leaving a friendly note in my mailbox, inviting me to dinner and football, cooks for me, is sweet to me.  I think that maybe, this time, we can make it work and I am settling in and being comfortable with our relationship and really starting to like him then wham…things are great one minute and the next I find his new online ad looking for a woman described exactly as myself except younger (I am older than he is).  I ask him if it is his ad, he denies it and then admits it a little while later.  He gives me the same line as my ex-partners.  “I don’t know WHAT I want!!”

My lesson here was that, once again, I ignored my gut instinct. I believe now that my gut instinct is God’s way of screaming at me when something in my life is very, very wrong and I should avoid it at all costs.  Who am I going to listen to….God or a psychopath?!

Thankfully this relationship was more “off” than “on” and the damage will be insignificant in the long run.

Bless you for all of your insight that you share with me and everyone, for writing a second book (I can’t wait!!!), for being so open about your own pain and experience and struggles…and victories!  You are truly a shining light for all of us who have been affected by a horrific relationship with a psychopath.

 

I hope my own story and those I will be sharing with you in my new book with give you inspiration when it comes out and  in the meantime I wish you you all a very happy, healthy, prosperous and psychopath free new year.

 

 

Sarah

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Filed under ADD, dark souls, empaths, mind games, psychopath, psychopathic personality, Psychopaths want to win, Sarah Strudwick, Uncategorized

Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

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Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

Say Thank you to the Psychopath

Over the last few months I have been filling in the blanks of my relationship with the man I describe in the book called Dark Souls. It will be 2 Years in January 2012 since I have had no contact apart from being stalked occasionally and also found a few more shocking things about them since I wrote the book.

During this time I have been busy recouping some of my finances, writing my blog, doing the website and Youtube videos, getting myself a new part time job along with coaching and acupuncture work to pay off all the debts I was left with.

Along with all the practical things I have had to do that such as running a business, moving house and looking after a family along with more tedious things like constantly having to change email address phone numbers and so on I have remained resolute and firm and not given up.  Occasionally I thought I would fold and surrender under the pressure. I have also had to rebuilt my self esteem from the bottom up and totally changed the way I do relationships both with friends, family and colleauges.  I have learnt to set strong boundaries that may never have existed before and learn finally to say NO.

In some ways I am a different person to the person I was when I first met him. If someone had asked me how I could have had the strength and energy to get through all the challenges I have over the last two years, the moving, changing jobs, dealing with constant email hacking, stalking, working, looking after my two children I would have replied “I can NEVER  do it”  How wrong I was.

In some ways I’d like to think that as a result of what happened I am now a more stronger improved version of the woman I thought this man had fallen in love with. Despite the scars and the pain of what happened to me it has given me the strength to become wiser and stronger. Its because of that strength I have been inspired to write and help others too.

I am currently writing my second book which I hope to have finished by Spring 2012 (work permitting) about moving on which will fill in some of the gaps that were missing in the first book.  Itwill give more hope to victims of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Hope that there is a better life at the end of the relationship, whether you have been dating them, married or grown up with them as family members.

Many people email me saying how will they ever get over the relationship? How will they ever get over the hurt and pain and the betrayal ? how will they ever trust again?. Time again victims berate themselves for having taken their disordered partners back into their lives in the hope they might change or of trying to understand them and then find that they are back to square one having to endure the pain all over again. They start to doubt their own sanity, question their own reality and underneath it all, deep down, they still want the Psychopath or sociopath to reciprocate by understanding how their callous actions affected us their victims. All of which is to no avail because the Psychopath can never see what they have done wrong because in their eyes they are perfect and you were just a target or a source of narcissistic supply.

Whenever I have what I call a down day I try to look at the positives. I meditate or play some upbeat music and remain thankful for all the positive things in my life.  For example the fact that I recently managed to take my son on holiday abroad and that I have a new part time job I really love along with my other work. I remind myself daily that I am healthy and happy.

In my darkest days I am constantly looking for ways to lift me up and inspire me and raise my vibration higher.  This inspires me to never be drawn back into the darkness ever again.

In my spare time I make dance music and composed a whole album called the Phoenix whilst I was writing Dark Souls . All of my music has no words but often when we hear words in a track it gives it a whole new meaning.

Today I found this tune which is by a band called VNV Nation which stands for Victory Not Vengeance. Often as targets or victims of psychopaths its hard not to become bitter and vengeful and to remain in a place of grace despite some of the DISgraceful things they do to us.

This track reminds us that despite everything sometimes it pays to remain in Gratitude even to Psychopath.

Whether or not the song had the same meaning when they wrote it I have no idea, but I know this will be my Anthem for the coming months whilst I finalise my second book.

For many of us its hard to find closure but the closure comes from within in a place in our hearts and our minds where we may not necessary “forgive and forget”  but we accept what’s happened.  However despite all the challenges perhaps if it were not for the Psychopath in our lives we would never be able to be inspired to be capable of doing some of the things we do because through our supposed weakness and vulnerability the psychopath leaves us with no choice but to either surrender or come back stronger than ever !  In my case I chose the latter.

Whether or not you think your psychopath or sociopath or toxic abuser is worthy of gratitute is really neither here nor there – because at the end of the day after we have healed its how we feel inside that counts.  Like the song says

“And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.”

They may not deserve our gratitude and they will never understand or care what they did was wrong and the fact that they will never “get it” doesn’t matter really!

The fact that we DID “get it” and got rid of them does ! and for that we should be eternally grateful.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.

The lyrics are below

Artist’s Website: http://www.vnvnation.com/

Lyrics:
It is not love,
If love is cold to touch.
It is not belief,
When there’s nothing there to trust.

Could not submit,
Would never bring myself to heel.
Determination grows,
As each truth’s revealed.

Torn and repaired,
Just to endure it all again,
Without a reason,
For my place in all this pain.

The well-concealed,
The scars they just compound,
Until there’s nothing left,
Of what was my former self.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.

Sometimes I wish,
That you could see me now,
In the rightful place,
Where I knew that I belonged.

Sometimes I wish,
That you might someday understand,
And close a chapter,
And lay to rest the past.

But nothing would change,
We make the best of what we have,
For we are measured,
By the actions of our lives

We bide our time,
Let the future unfold,
Like immortals,
In great legends to be told.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

To all who stood with me,
When we stood as one,
Thank you for guiding me,
For bringing me home.

And if it seems that I’m,
Obliged to say these words,
I write this in gratitude,
The least that you deserve.

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Filed under narcissistic supply, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

Cats or Dogs

Dogs or Cats?

I recently returned from a wonderful holiday in Turkey. It was my first time there and the town we were staying in had many stray cats and dogs. We stayed in a small hotel and one of a couple of the local feral cats had a litter of kittens. Being a real animal lover I couldn’t help but resist to sneak out a few tender morsels to help feed them. One of the guests commented that the only reason he came down for breakfast was so that he could sneak out a plate of meat and feed the cats. It wasn’t long before the local cats in the area realised what a soft touch all the guests were and would hover around the kitchen area in the hope of something to eat.

I have always been a cat lover. In all I have probably had over 28 cats in my lifetime since I was a child. Currently I have four cats and one dog

Whilst we were on holiday one kitten in particularly decision to take a shine to us and came and visit us in our room. We were starting to feel quite flattered and special that she was coming to see us every day. She would cry outside the door, wait to be let in and then come in and sit on the bed, purr and fall asleep. We were even beginning to feel a real bond with this animal. Usually I would go and find some food to feed her then eventually she would wander off.

However it wasn’t too long before I started to realise that we weren’t the only people she was playing this game with. She certainly wasn’t underfed and with a little detection work I started to realise she had a whole string of people pandering to her wishes and feeding all. Most of them were all completely unaware that this particular cat had a been in someone else’s room the previous day.

And there was I thinking that this little kitty had singled me out as “special”.

One morning I decided to do a test and see how she would react. I was sitting at the breakfast table and before long she was scratching and clawing at my legs because I hadn’t immediately given her anything to eat. Unlike the psychopath or sociopath who wouldn’t feel bad at all if they ignored an animal I felt really guilty for not immediately giving in to her wishes and when I tried to gently push her away because she was clearly hurting me she nonchalantly swiped me again with her claws for not giving her food.  Straight after she strolled off, flicking her tail in the air and went to another victim that would be willing to feed her. It was a real eye opener for me.

Midway during our holiday I was wandering into town with my son and a local dog started to follow us. It walked carefully by our side until we reached out destination and then whilst we were waiting for our excursion it sat down on the floor at my feet and fell asleep. I realised that this dog didn’t have an owner and that chances are I would probably find it sitting there waiting for me on my return. My daughter who had been looking after my own animals at home whilst I was away contacted me during our holiday to say that they were all fine but that my dog had been pining for me and sitting waiting patiently by the door in the hope I would return.

I was discussing with one of the locals, also a keen animal lover, why there were so many street dogs in Turkey and mentioned that I was surprised at how well they behaved considering they appeared to be wild. He replied “they are not street dogs, these are dogs that people had as pets and were kicked out of their homes. This is why they know how to behave submissively around people”.  He then said “Imagine the psychology behind being taken in as a pet and then petted one minute and then thrown out like trash onto the street”.

This is exactly how the psychopath treats their victims like a dog it no longer wants.

It’s in a dogs nature to remain submissive and obedient which is why dogs rarely attack their owners even if they are beaten or mistreated. In many ways the dog is very much like the type of person a psychopath searches for,  someone who will stick around and remain submissive no matter how badly their owner treats them. Dogs are not always able to tell the difference between a good or bad owner and for this reason they are far more vulnerable and like the dog they are the perfect target for psychopath.

In some ways aren’t we the targets of sociopath’s and psychopath’s a bit like submissive dogs?

That is until we start to realise that what we are dealing with is another species altogether. Many experts describe the psychopath as being an intra species predator, they look human, but they operate on a foundation that is more akin to that of an animal than a human.

Until recently I always assumed that cats and dogs were the same when it came to interacting with humans. however I believe now that when it comes to pulling the wool over humans cats have the upper hand. For those animal lovers like myself who love cats I apologise to cats for the following analogy.

Cats are in essence the ultimate sociopath

Much like the sociopath or psychopath cats are predatory in nature. Just watch a small kitten or cat bring in a live mouse or bird and see how it toys and plays with them. Rarely are they catching them for food. The cat is bold and independent and primarily selfish. So long as the cats needs are being met they will remain as pets. The moment you choose to ignore them and not pander to their needs they will not hesitate to scratch and swipe you or move onto the next victim or neighbourhood. Like the psychopath they hook us in by using use their looks charm and apparent sophistication but underneath the “pussy cat” exterior lies a predator in waiting.

When I finally returned from my holiday I was greeted by my loving dog who was extremely vocal and wagging her tail running around in circles the moment I entered the house. The cats on the other hand looked at me as if I a total stranger and then went immediately to the food bowl as if to say “where’s dinner”.

On a final note I wont be getting rid of any of my animals and I’ll always be a cat lover. Besides the cost of loving a cat despite getting what may appear to be little back is nothing compared to that which we invest in the psychopath. Just remember the next time you enjoying your cat sitting on your lap purring all happy and contented, Much like the relationship you had with the psychopath Chances are your favourite pussy is busy being fed and nurtured by some other soft-hearted person the moment your back is turned.

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Filed under intra species predator, psychopath, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath

Repairing the Broken Mirror in Ourselves

Looking in the Mirror

One of the things I talk about in Dark Souls is the need for victims to look within themselves at the reasons why they attracted psychopaths or narcissists into their lives. Many books talk about how to spot them but few talk about why psychopaths may target certain types of people more than others.

At the moment there is a big shift in consciousness whereby psychopathic corporations are being exposed all over the world. Conscious, empathic, aware individuals are finally starting to wake up to the reality that a small minority of psychopaths really do run the majority of the planet. One thing is clear though – its through our own collective “enabling” of these psychopathic individuals that we have managed to end up in the position whereby our savings, houses are livelihoods are now in jeopardy.

Any kind of psychopathic organisation is unable to spin their web of lies without a willing group of followers who are able to make it all believable.

When it comes to a one on one relationship with a psychopath it becomes a more personal affair but it is also there to  mirror something deep in our own psyche that we may not wish to look at. Often we will hear of stories where people have been in relationship with these predators and its taken years before anyone if ever believes the victims. The psychopath has managed to con an manipulate so many people around them for so long they convince others that the target is insane or crazy.

Someone once said to me many years ago that when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need in our lives it’s the universes’ way of clearly saying that we no longer need that person in our lives anymore and making way for something better to come along.

We all want to see the good in people and when we spot the red flags we know deep down that the psychopath or sociopath is not all they are cracked up to be. We know that image they are portraying in the mirror is flawed but we want to make it all right. The distorted projected image that they reflect back to us is that of someone who is kind, empathic, loving, hard-working (fill in the blanks). However,  underneath the mask the psychopathic personality inherently flawed without ANY of these characteristics.

So why are our own mirror images of ourselves flawed and  what it is about ourselves that is attracted to them in the first place?

Many (not all) of the people who have contacted me for coaching or read my book Dark Souls come from a background of abuse and neglect of their own emotional needs.  They come with an unconscious feeling that they may not be worthy of being loved by another kind, loving person. The hook between the psychopath and the empathic person is that we see something in them that is inherently flawed in them, but at the same time is inherently flawed in us. I am not necessary talking about victims all suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder since many of the people who have contacted me have grown up with parents who are narcissists but have also spent their lives trying not to be like them but this “flaw” is often inherently wired in our systems as a result of our upbringing and projections from parents or spouses and its one of the hooks that psychopaths love.   An example of this is that we may be inherently bad, worthless, (fill in the blanks) all of which is totally unconscious and none of which is true.

What better way for a psychopath to get someone sucked in that, in their eyes, they see as the same as them.  In the eyes of the psychopaths eye they believe they have met their match. A mirror image of themselves. They see all the other things about us “the good bits” as being things they want in themselves! The irony is that when they meet us they soon start to realise that they have none of our other characteristics, kindness, empathy, ability to work hard, having a conscious and so on because they are just hard-wired to win and abuse people. This is when they start to get angry and want to punish us for being something they can never be.

When they realise that we aren’t evil or “like them” and can’t help them out or have run out of things they can steal off us which is why so many psychopathic corporations thrive based on them working together they see this as a flaw and use this against us to try to exert power and control over us so they can win.  As Dr George Simon puts it.

“You win I win, You lose I win, I win You Lose
and finally I lose, You Lose”

Whis is the main reason they try to hurt us so badly when we stand up to them or walk away.

Why we end up helping each other

When the relationship is over, we as targets, end up realising that these psychopathic predators are not what they seem either, and that their image of themselves is cracked and flawed as our own. We reason that there is no good in there that we so wanted to believe in and realise that all of the other faulty characteristics we believed about ourselves such as not being worthy of having kind loving relationships are all wrong. When we are prepared to look at our own flaws we are able to repair that broken mirror that was flawed in the first place and bring back the shine we once had before we were tainted by these psychopathic characters.

In some ways it’s a bit like a symbiotic relationship the same as it was when it was toxic. The psychopath in our lives is there to help us to be authentic and expose our own vulnerabilities and teach us to be who we really are. We learn how to become our true selves and how to love ourselves properly.  What they give us is a gift of authenticity.

We are then obliged to do give the same gift back to the psychopath. Like the psychopth who studies us, using our weaknesses against us, we educate ourselves, learn about their disorder and we end up dumping or leaving the psychopath/narcissist or Sociopath in our lives. Each one of us reflecting back that part of us in ourselves which no longer serves us.

The psychopath is then left having to be their real authentic selves too i.e. a dark empty shell. They are left with a reflection of themselves they no longer like which is why they will never look in the mirror or change themselves. They will never look at their own flaws and will continue to spend a lifetime searching for more shiny mirrors in the hope that we’ll reflect something back to them that was never there in the first place.

I leave you with a poem I wrote to my ex a few years when he was supposed to have cancer which turned out to just one of his many lies. I realise now I was writing it to myself and that the cancer is an analogy for the Dark Souls in our lives.

“The Mirror

 

tis another year on and our dreams are all shattered
All that we hoped for and all that had mattered
my eyes are still sore from crying rose-coloured tears
you now face your own demons as i have faced my own fears
that cancers a fu**er it will keep on returning
if you don’t pull out its root that lies in your heart yearning
I’m not talking about me or some lover or wife
I am talking about you, what you want in your life
its much easier to forget to just get on and do
numbs the brain and the senses and our soul too
so i found you a mirror that was special and good
it was tucked in the cellar and carved in oak wood
its hidden for years in a dusty old room
it holds answers to secrets you never dreamed could
when you look in the mirror tell me what do you see
is it you, or you children, your wife, or is it me
I think none of the above because the view isn’t clear
it’s just smeared with anger and guilt and fear
pull the cloth from your pocket and start to erase
all the smears on the mirror and start clearing the haze
as you wipe away layers of dirt built over time
you will fight back the tears as you clean off the grime
Your fingers are hurting your can’t rub anymore
you’ll leave it for now there’s a knock at the door
Oh “I’ll deal with it later” you say to yourself
no one cares about that old mirror put it back on the shelf
but you can’t do that ***** its too special to leave
the woods starting to rot and it needs air to breath
the mirror is tarnished you must do it in time
it takes forever to polish and bring back the shine
then you will look in the mirror it will all become clear
with each rub of the cloth you have faced all your fear
As you look in the mirror you see only YOU
no kids, no lover, no wife – my god what will you do
Say hello to yourself for the first time in years
don’t mess up the mirror again with your tears
it’s a special mirror that needs nurture and care as do you
if you look after it well it will be honest and true
it will reflect all your dreams and hopes and fears
but the maintenance polish is not your own tears
its only small ***** not much bigger than a locket
if you keep it with you always it will fit in your pocket
just remember to look after it as I try to do
and it will always be kind to you and let you be YOU

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, empaths, George Simon, In sheeps clothing, predatory aggressive personalities, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships