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Letting go of the story

ImageI have been thinking about the best way to write this very last post on psychopathy on this blog without pissing a whole lot of people off. But then when I reflected on it I thought, “You know what Sarah, you have spent much of your life not speaking up, so why not say exactly how you feel and if people don’t like what your are writing what the heck”.

Its not because I don’t really care what people of think, nor feel empathy for those who have experienced the same, and my experiences may be totally different from other peoples. However I’ll explain why I have no interest in writing more posts on Psychopaths below.

First of all my second book “The Phoenix Spirit” will be out in a couple of weeks. It talks about the things most people don’t want to talk about after the breakup and also about the whole industry as a whole.  Most people talk about what psychopaths do but they never really think about the abuse they cause to others least of all the mess that targets are left to clean up with after. In my own case I will be clearing up the financial mess into my retirement. And you know what that’s OK.

Its taught me that material things aren’t really that important to me any more and when I painted the image that appears above and will also appear on the front cover of the new book. My thoughts when making it were, firstly to brighten up a very ugly place I was living in, that my son described as a “shithole” because it was such a mess because I’d been so powerless and allowed the previous tenants who were renting off me to not pay any rent and literally trash it. There was nothing nice in the place so I thought by creating a nice colourful picture it would remind of something good coming out of it. Secondly the Phoenix represents a kind of rebirth whereby all that we had, or believed in, falls to ashes.

 

Sometimes we are faced with a life changing event or we bump into a person who may come along, and take everything from us but in their efforts to do that they try and take our money, our heart and and souls. As this picture shows they can try their hardest to take whatever they want from us but they cannot pinch our heart and they can NEVER pinch our souls. Ultimately we can survive and come out stronger.

We are left like the mythological phoenix to transform and evolve into something different, hopefully something better, but unlike the phoenix who is immortal we only have one lifetime!

So my reasons for not ever really wanting to write more posts on Psychopaths is because I do only have one lifetime and I want to live it to the fullest.

Constantly focusing on what might have been and what I should have done differently isn’t going to help me and it doesn’t always appear to help others either.

It reminded me of a time many years ago when there was a fire in a flat I was living in. I was around 19 at the time and I came home and found that everything I had ever owned in my life was burnt down to the ground. This didn’t happen to me because of some psychopath, in fact who knows why it happened. Was it because the electrical wiring in the house was faulty? Was it because the girl I was sharing with had left her curling tongs plugged in ? Was it an act of god ? Constantly ruminating on why it happened and grieving over the loss of things I had collected over early 20 years would never help me move on and besides it taught me a valuable lesson when I bumped into the psychopath that material things can be replaced. I remember losing a whole ton of pictures and photographs and those photographs too may have disappeared but the wonderful memories still linger in my head.

So anyway I digress. My point is that as far as being a target or victim or any other word you want to use for having had the misfortune of running into a psychopath the bottom line is that we can survive the whole point of healing is that we come out of the experience wiser and stronger and are able to to move on as I did when I had a fire more than 30 years ago.

If we are unable to let go on an energetic level we become stuck, it leave us frustrated, angry and worst we internalise, blame, and become ill. I was starkly reminded today when I went to see a client who was suffering from the most chronic illnesses having spent a lifetime of not being able to let go of anything much at all in their lives that the main cause of their illness was because they unable to let go. They were so stuck in story it was impossible for them to move beyond that which of course had resulted in chronic long term ill health and pain.

With the holistic background training I have received both in acupuncture and using other dynamic therapies such as voice dialogue the thing I find frustrating with many victims of pathology and the whole pathology industry is that they are still stuck in the story. Of course its normal to feel emotional and emotions should not to be repressed because once you are able to let go of the storyline, and feel the energy of the emotion you are able to move through the emotions and not remain stuck.

When I wrote Dark Souls rather than put all the blame on the psychopath I had to ask myself back then what is it that I am showing to the world that enables someone to come into my life and treat me so badly . It was because I was treating myself so badly. When I started to treat myself nicely then vanished from my life. So today I asked myself why did I attract someone who was so stuck in their story. As much as I was happy to help them I have realised that by focusing on my own story all it has done is attract more of the very same people in my life. Wounded people who like myself who were unable to let go.

But that is the past.

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There is a theory that when you let go of something, whether it be people, stories, clutter, garbage or anything else in our lives that doesn’t serve us it gives us space for something better to come along.

In my journey of healing to become whole and happy I have had to let go of many things and I can assure you that each time I did something better and wonderful came along to fill its place.

So now its time to move on, beyond the story, and let go of what’s happened in the past with Dark Souls and to focus on something totally different and to allow whatever comes along to fill that empty space.

Its quite exciting to wonder what it might be and I’ll keep you all posted on my old blog which I shall be restarting in a couple of weeks.  http://sarahstrudwick.wordpress.com/

For now I plan on having a much needed break from writing and doing a healthy cleanse and detox and hope that all of the posts I have done over the last couple of years will have helped you all let go of your own stories too and move on.

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Happy Pathological Free Valentines Day

With Valentines day just around the corner it’s always a time of contemplation for anyone who single. They might be feeling lonely and wondering why they haven’t found that perfect someone or perhaps they might be in a relationship which appears to be OK but underneath but isn’t quite what it seems. When people are in loving healthy relationships Valentines day is not really that important because every day is a day worth celebrating. In contrast those who have been in relationships with disordered personality may look to Valentines day in the small hope that their partner might show them some kind of love and affection at least for one day.

When our partners buy us a box of chocolates or take us out for a lavish dinner we might feel like we have won the lottery and yet in reality the chance is they have gone out and bought a half-hearted bunch of flowers from a gas station at the last-minute and put the dinner on their company expenses (assuming they even have a job). Worse still we may even end up paying the bill ourselves. In our addictive blindness to what’s really going on in the relationship thinking we are in “love”, when in fact we are pathologically bonded, we are often so grateful that we have even got anything at all. We totally forget that up until that point we have been investing so much in the relationship like the slot machine syndrome that Dr George Simon talks about when we are too scared to walk away in case we get a small pay-off.

If we are single on Valentines day most psychopaths will have a very wide relationship circle and may try to do their best to persuade us that we should see them again, often because their relationship circle may be in short supply at this time of the year. Perhaps their previous victims have moved on and found someone else to fill their shoes on Valentines day. Disordered personality’s are often very persuasive and may try to woo us by making lots of empty promises and seductive temptation. They will put anything on the menu they can to get you back , these goodies could include, lying, manipulation, presents, and other goodies like chocolates and flowers. Almost certainly there will be a nice side dish of sex on the menu.

In our eagerness to get that illusive payout we totally go into selective amnesia not realizing that in reality what appears to be too good really is “too good to be true”. We ultimately accept any dregs they offer us including the leftover sex, from previous partners they may have been with, and we have opened ourselves up to the pathological bond all over again by exposing ourselves to a nice big dose of Oxytocin which lowers our resistance and builds up trust again.  Each time you have sex Oxytocin is released and the pathological bond is strengthened. Any kind of  intimacy, including conversing, cuddling and so on, will stimulate Oxytocin release. Oxytocin affects everyone differently and for most victims they are likely to be more trusting of their abusers.  Oxytocin can also quell our brains fear hubs. That’s fine if you are in a healthy relationship but if its shared and released whilst having sex with a disordered personality such as a psychopath, you will immediately become vulnerable again not to mention the effect it might have on a psychopath.

If your relationship is based on highly addictive sex, including a one-off quicky on valentine’s day, then by having a side dish of sex with a dose of Oxytocin thrown in as a dressing is just asking for trouble.

Getting off the roller coaster

So there we are back on the old “love roller coaster” ride all over again! We may have a temporary high, albeit for a day, week or month until eventually our pathological lover decides to disregard us, abuse us and then throw us off the ride again.  We selective forget all the times when the relationship left us feeling miserable and unhappy and of course the temporary high doesn’t last very long.

So why get on the ride in the first place, is it  because we “love them” and because we want to “understand them”. Well yes we think we love them but it’s not real love because they the person we are with is pathological. Real relationships are based on mutual trust, companionship, honesty, love, and respect – something you will never get with a disordered personality. Of course if you enjoy being on the roller coaster of “love” then you have to ask yourself why.

Taking yourself off the roller coaster takes guts and a bit of soul-searching. It means looking within, facing your fears and finding the reasons why on earth you would have such low self-esteem as to want to spend your valentine’s day, or any other day for that matter, with someone who would abuse, mistreat you, cheat on you, steal from you, physically or emotionally harm you, fill in the blanks.

Fortunately most victims of psychopaths and any kind of abuse reach a point at which the roller coaster ride doesn’t become fun any more and its time to unstrap your seat belt and get off. You might even have to go around the track a few times with your therapist figuring out how you even got on there in the first place.

For those of you that have taken the plunge and got off the roller coaster you can always decide to get back on again at a later date after you have educated yourself and healed from the abuse. Only this time your eyes will be wide open and you wont need some pathological sidekick to drag you on there with them. You will have faced your fears and be able to go it alone.

Celebrate Valentines day this year by grabbing yourself a lovely bunch of flowers bought from the heart.  If you fancy buy yourself a nice box of chocolates, go out if you wish, and treat yourself to something beautiful that shows you how much you love and care about yourself. And while you’re at it buy yourself a piggy bank or trinket box and every time you look back and think of all the energy you put into “wishfully thinking” or hoping things might get better or wondering what could “I” have done to make it work.  Instead of wishful thinking put some money in your box.

I wish you all a wonderful pathological free Valentines day.  Be kind to yourself and remind yourselves how far you have come.  It may be a bumpy ride whilst your healing but none so bumpy as the ride you were on with your partners and this time next year you will have a wishful thinking box so full of money and positive intentions and you will also be 1 more year longer of NO CONTACT.  You can thank yourself next valentines day for being authentic and making healthy choices not by being sad and looking back but by  celebrating your achievements  either on your own or with a lovely healthy new partner.

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Happy Xmas 2011

With Xmas coming up in a couple of weeks and almost two years on since writing Dark Souls I thought today I would do a more person reflection on the last two years since I broke up with my psychopathic ex celebrate Xmas early. I’d also like to give a little encouragement to those readers of my blog who have been struggling this year with a psychopath or are dealing with the aftermath of clearing up after a relationship with a character disturbed individual and give them a little hope that things do turn around for the better now matter how bad things may appear at the time.

Today is the first day I have had off having worked nearly 70 hours straight last week on top of my self-employed job. I was originally going to have to work on xmas day however I just found out that I now have Xmas day off which means I shall be celebrating it with my son who would have otherwise been on his own for most of the day.

For those who have never read my blog posts or book or wonder how I can do so many hours along with keeping up this blog I am a survivor but I also have the hyperactive version of attention deficit disorder.  Nowadays I’ve even turned that belief about myself around that I had something weird and wrong with me and started calling  it Attention surplus disorder.  For those that don’t know what it is here are the positives and here are the negatives. And for the record from a confirmed ADDer any psychopath who tells you they have ADD and uses it as an excuse to have selective amnesia and lie or any other excuse they want to pull out of the hat.  Its just an EXCUSE. People with ADD may forget things, lack concentration or focus, and a whole host of other negatives but they DO have a conscience

I had decided a few weeks back to start working on my second book about the difficulties victims experience after ending such relationships. This includes the emotional abuse we have suffered, picking ourselves up off the floor and rebuilding our self-esteem, practical ways of earning income if we have lost everything and if like myself we have had a whole lifetime of abuse from dysfunctional families, finding ways of changing our whole belief systems. When I wrote Dark Souls I remember telling one of my closest family members that I had written it and they replied “why would you want to write a book, it’s not like anyone is going to want to read it!”.

Sometimes those of us who have upside down maps of the world when it comes to beliefs about ourselves forget to congratulate ourselves on our own achievements and spend all our time trying to get validation from others. The thing is we will never get validation from disordered individuals unless they want something from us. This year I put all those beliefs about myself aside about a need validation for anything. I put my head down, worked really hard over the last few months and two days ago got promoted in a field of work that I love doing.

A week before I finally relented and had to have my computer wiped clean as it was riddled with Trojans, viruses and a rootkit that my ex had decided to dump on the computer a while back which kept rearing its ugly head every so often until finally I had to have the whole thing wiped off. Without getting too technical my computer “appeared” to be OK but underneath it was operating with a rootkit on it that allowed my ex to monitor everything I was doing on the computer.

It was interesting because prior to collecting it I had started to think that perhaps there had been nothing wrong with it when in fact the rootkit had been hiding behind the operating system and making it look like everything was OK all along. In my mind I really didn’t want to believe that something so horrible was on my PC that could allow someone direct access to all my personal emails and so on. It’s very similar to the way a psychopath violates us on an emotional, spiritual and physical level only this was done in a more underhanded way.  With an overwhelming need to win at all costs it also goes to show the great lengths at which a psychopath will go when it comes to getting the upper hand with their targets especially when they think they have lost.

When we end a relationship with a psychopath we have to unlearn everything we believed to be true prior to meeting these disordered characters and then literally wipe our old belief systems clean and I will be discussing how I did that using voice dialogue in my new book. I have provisionally decided to call it “the Phoenix” because out of the aftermath of the relationship comes something far more precious than we could ever have imagined.  Its also based on a music album I made whilst I wrote Dark souls which can be found on my-space and music website.

At the moment things are going pretty good. Financially I am in a much better position than I could ever have imagine considering I was broke two years ago. My self-esteem is back to where it should be  – not full of myself, not overinflated and not down in the dumps. I feel pretty balanced and generally I am happy with my life without any partner. I’d like to think I now have a reasonably bright future ahead of me.

In some ways its fortunate that I am not a person who shares too much information about how I feel unless it is with friends or when I was having therapy. Even when I wrote Dark Souls I never really explained the depths of emotions I felt at the time including the hurt and pain I felt at finding out that my ex was a psychopath and knowing that the relationship that I believed to be real was a whole lie. I never truly explained how violated I felt by some of the things he did to me and to some degree since the relationship broke up I had little time to immediately process all the emotions I was feeling as I was so busy being in survivor mode to worry about showing my vulnerabilities. I struggled with accepting that my own family of origin were disordered too.

Since psychopaths really only want to win perhaps it’s because of this strength of character that my ex decided to keep on having a dig at me by constantly stalking me as I appeared to be not showing any signs of weakness or backing down with my blog and website and so on. However there were many times when I felt so overwhelmed by emotions and all the pressure I was under financially and with harassment I had from him stalking me via the computer that I really wanted to stop and thought to myself why even bother to do blog posts and so on along with just managing my daily family life, bringing up my family and so on.

I’d be lying to myself if I said it has not been a very tough journey and I know my survivor ability has kept me in good stead this time. But I realise now that its time for me to stop being a survivor all my life and start being happy.

Wipe, Reboot and Restart

Getting rid of a psychopath is a bit like getting rid of a computer virus. Learning how to spot manipulative disordered individuals is half the battle, finding a technician, (i.e. therapist) that understands how to get rid of them is the next step, ridding yourself of the relationship is and wiping yourself clean of all of their toxic gunk is the next step. Finally empowering ourselves to make sure our emotional radar works perfectly and that we immunize ourselves so that we don’t get riddled with the human equivalent of trojans virus and rootkits again in the future is the key to ensuring we live a happy and healthy psychopath free life.

As this woman who emailed me the other day reminded me why I did wrote Dark Souls in the first place and why empowering ourselves and others is a lifetime journey I shall continue.

Your last post was incredible.  So much awesome stuff in it.  I have forgiven….but I will never forget.  I do accept what happened and that I had a psychopath in my life (and, apparently, I still do have him in my life to a degree).  I am stronger and wiser but recently found myself with someone who is probably also a psychopath, although not to the degree that my ex-partners is.  He played the same games with me.  I would feel “not right” about the relationship (gut instinct talking) and break it off.  He would wait a couple of weeks and come back.  Same thing happens, I break it off, doesn’t feel right.  He comes back a few weeks later, pouring on the charm, leaving a friendly note in my mailbox, inviting me to dinner and football, cooks for me, is sweet to me.  I think that maybe, this time, we can make it work and I am settling in and being comfortable with our relationship and really starting to like him then wham…things are great one minute and the next I find his new online ad looking for a woman described exactly as myself except younger (I am older than he is).  I ask him if it is his ad, he denies it and then admits it a little while later.  He gives me the same line as my ex-partners.  “I don’t know WHAT I want!!”

My lesson here was that, once again, I ignored my gut instinct. I believe now that my gut instinct is God’s way of screaming at me when something in my life is very, very wrong and I should avoid it at all costs.  Who am I going to listen to….God or a psychopath?!

Thankfully this relationship was more “off” than “on” and the damage will be insignificant in the long run.

Bless you for all of your insight that you share with me and everyone, for writing a second book (I can’t wait!!!), for being so open about your own pain and experience and struggles…and victories!  You are truly a shining light for all of us who have been affected by a horrific relationship with a psychopath.

 

I hope my own story and those I will be sharing with you in my new book with give you inspiration when it comes out and  in the meantime I wish you you all a very happy, healthy, prosperous and psychopath free new year.

 

 

Sarah

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Introduction

I have decided to finally move all the posts and articles from the book site and Waking you up so that people can comment on them.

In this blog you will find articles and posts on psychopaths and narcissists and other personality disorders and random musings about the type of things you might experience in a toxic relationship.  More importantly the blog contains valuable tools to enable targets to get away from their disordered partners and to share their stories.

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About us

Welcome to www.wakingyouup.wordpress.com.  This blog contains articles and post from my book site www.darksouls-thebook.com and other articles from authors such as George Simon and Sarah Tate from our website www.waking-you-up.com.

 

We are all committed to educating people about character disturbed personalities in particular psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths and those more predatory types who intentionally go out to con an manipulate people.

 

Feel free to share your stories and comment.

Sarah Strudwick

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