Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

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Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

Say Thank you to the Psychopath

Over the last few months I have been filling in the blanks of my relationship with the man I describe in the book called Dark Souls. It will be 2 Years in January 2012 since I have had no contact apart from being stalked occasionally and also found a few more shocking things about them since I wrote the book.

During this time I have been busy recouping some of my finances, writing my blog, doing the website and Youtube videos, getting myself a new part time job along with coaching and acupuncture work to pay off all the debts I was left with.

Along with all the practical things I have had to do that such as running a business, moving house and looking after a family along with more tedious things like constantly having to change email address phone numbers and so on I have remained resolute and firm and not given up.  Occasionally I thought I would fold and surrender under the pressure. I have also had to rebuilt my self esteem from the bottom up and totally changed the way I do relationships both with friends, family and colleauges.  I have learnt to set strong boundaries that may never have existed before and learn finally to say NO.

In some ways I am a different person to the person I was when I first met him. If someone had asked me how I could have had the strength and energy to get through all the challenges I have over the last two years, the moving, changing jobs, dealing with constant email hacking, stalking, working, looking after my two children I would have replied “I can NEVER  do it”  How wrong I was.

In some ways I’d like to think that as a result of what happened I am now a more stronger improved version of the woman I thought this man had fallen in love with. Despite the scars and the pain of what happened to me it has given me the strength to become wiser and stronger. Its because of that strength I have been inspired to write and help others too.

I am currently writing my second book which I hope to have finished by Spring 2012 (work permitting) about moving on which will fill in some of the gaps that were missing in the first book.  Itwill give more hope to victims of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Hope that there is a better life at the end of the relationship, whether you have been dating them, married or grown up with them as family members.

Many people email me saying how will they ever get over the relationship? How will they ever get over the hurt and pain and the betrayal ? how will they ever trust again?. Time again victims berate themselves for having taken their disordered partners back into their lives in the hope they might change or of trying to understand them and then find that they are back to square one having to endure the pain all over again. They start to doubt their own sanity, question their own reality and underneath it all, deep down, they still want the Psychopath or sociopath to reciprocate by understanding how their callous actions affected us their victims. All of which is to no avail because the Psychopath can never see what they have done wrong because in their eyes they are perfect and you were just a target or a source of narcissistic supply.

Whenever I have what I call a down day I try to look at the positives. I meditate or play some upbeat music and remain thankful for all the positive things in my life.  For example the fact that I recently managed to take my son on holiday abroad and that I have a new part time job I really love along with my other work. I remind myself daily that I am healthy and happy.

In my darkest days I am constantly looking for ways to lift me up and inspire me and raise my vibration higher.  This inspires me to never be drawn back into the darkness ever again.

In my spare time I make dance music and composed a whole album called the Phoenix whilst I was writing Dark Souls . All of my music has no words but often when we hear words in a track it gives it a whole new meaning.

Today I found this tune which is by a band called VNV Nation which stands for Victory Not Vengeance. Often as targets or victims of psychopaths its hard not to become bitter and vengeful and to remain in a place of grace despite some of the DISgraceful things they do to us.

This track reminds us that despite everything sometimes it pays to remain in Gratitude even to Psychopath.

Whether or not the song had the same meaning when they wrote it I have no idea, but I know this will be my Anthem for the coming months whilst I finalise my second book.

For many of us its hard to find closure but the closure comes from within in a place in our hearts and our minds where we may not necessary “forgive and forget”  but we accept what’s happened.  However despite all the challenges perhaps if it were not for the Psychopath in our lives we would never be able to be inspired to be capable of doing some of the things we do because through our supposed weakness and vulnerability the psychopath leaves us with no choice but to either surrender or come back stronger than ever !  In my case I chose the latter.

Whether or not you think your psychopath or sociopath or toxic abuser is worthy of gratitute is really neither here nor there – because at the end of the day after we have healed its how we feel inside that counts.  Like the song says

“And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.”

They may not deserve our gratitude and they will never understand or care what they did was wrong and the fact that they will never “get it” doesn’t matter really!

The fact that we DID “get it” and got rid of them does ! and for that we should be eternally grateful.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.

The lyrics are below

Artist’s Website: http://www.vnvnation.com/

Lyrics:
It is not love,
If love is cold to touch.
It is not belief,
When there’s nothing there to trust.

Could not submit,
Would never bring myself to heel.
Determination grows,
As each truth’s revealed.

Torn and repaired,
Just to endure it all again,
Without a reason,
For my place in all this pain.

The well-concealed,
The scars they just compound,
Until there’s nothing left,
Of what was my former self.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.

Sometimes I wish,
That you could see me now,
In the rightful place,
Where I knew that I belonged.

Sometimes I wish,
That you might someday understand,
And close a chapter,
And lay to rest the past.

But nothing would change,
We make the best of what we have,
For we are measured,
By the actions of our lives

We bide our time,
Let the future unfold,
Like immortals,
In great legends to be told.

My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.

Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.

For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.

For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.

To all who stood with me,
When we stood as one,
Thank you for guiding me,
For bringing me home.

And if it seems that I’m,
Obliged to say these words,
I write this in gratitude,
The least that you deserve.

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Filed under narcissistic supply, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

Cats or Dogs

Dogs or Cats?

I recently returned from a wonderful holiday in Turkey. It was my first time there and the town we were staying in had many stray cats and dogs. We stayed in a small hotel and one of a couple of the local feral cats had a litter of kittens. Being a real animal lover I couldn’t help but resist to sneak out a few tender morsels to help feed them. One of the guests commented that the only reason he came down for breakfast was so that he could sneak out a plate of meat and feed the cats. It wasn’t long before the local cats in the area realised what a soft touch all the guests were and would hover around the kitchen area in the hope of something to eat.

I have always been a cat lover. In all I have probably had over 28 cats in my lifetime since I was a child. Currently I have four cats and one dog

Whilst we were on holiday one kitten in particularly decision to take a shine to us and came and visit us in our room. We were starting to feel quite flattered and special that she was coming to see us every day. She would cry outside the door, wait to be let in and then come in and sit on the bed, purr and fall asleep. We were even beginning to feel a real bond with this animal. Usually I would go and find some food to feed her then eventually she would wander off.

However it wasn’t too long before I started to realise that we weren’t the only people she was playing this game with. She certainly wasn’t underfed and with a little detection work I started to realise she had a whole string of people pandering to her wishes and feeding all. Most of them were all completely unaware that this particular cat had a been in someone else’s room the previous day.

And there was I thinking that this little kitty had singled me out as “special”.

One morning I decided to do a test and see how she would react. I was sitting at the breakfast table and before long she was scratching and clawing at my legs because I hadn’t immediately given her anything to eat. Unlike the psychopath or sociopath who wouldn’t feel bad at all if they ignored an animal I felt really guilty for not immediately giving in to her wishes and when I tried to gently push her away because she was clearly hurting me she nonchalantly swiped me again with her claws for not giving her food.  Straight after she strolled off, flicking her tail in the air and went to another victim that would be willing to feed her. It was a real eye opener for me.

Midway during our holiday I was wandering into town with my son and a local dog started to follow us. It walked carefully by our side until we reached out destination and then whilst we were waiting for our excursion it sat down on the floor at my feet and fell asleep. I realised that this dog didn’t have an owner and that chances are I would probably find it sitting there waiting for me on my return. My daughter who had been looking after my own animals at home whilst I was away contacted me during our holiday to say that they were all fine but that my dog had been pining for me and sitting waiting patiently by the door in the hope I would return.

I was discussing with one of the locals, also a keen animal lover, why there were so many street dogs in Turkey and mentioned that I was surprised at how well they behaved considering they appeared to be wild. He replied “they are not street dogs, these are dogs that people had as pets and were kicked out of their homes. This is why they know how to behave submissively around people”.  He then said “Imagine the psychology behind being taken in as a pet and then petted one minute and then thrown out like trash onto the street”.

This is exactly how the psychopath treats their victims like a dog it no longer wants.

It’s in a dogs nature to remain submissive and obedient which is why dogs rarely attack their owners even if they are beaten or mistreated. In many ways the dog is very much like the type of person a psychopath searches for,  someone who will stick around and remain submissive no matter how badly their owner treats them. Dogs are not always able to tell the difference between a good or bad owner and for this reason they are far more vulnerable and like the dog they are the perfect target for psychopath.

In some ways aren’t we the targets of sociopath’s and psychopath’s a bit like submissive dogs?

That is until we start to realise that what we are dealing with is another species altogether. Many experts describe the psychopath as being an intra species predator, they look human, but they operate on a foundation that is more akin to that of an animal than a human.

Until recently I always assumed that cats and dogs were the same when it came to interacting with humans. however I believe now that when it comes to pulling the wool over humans cats have the upper hand. For those animal lovers like myself who love cats I apologise to cats for the following analogy.

Cats are in essence the ultimate sociopath

Much like the sociopath or psychopath cats are predatory in nature. Just watch a small kitten or cat bring in a live mouse or bird and see how it toys and plays with them. Rarely are they catching them for food. The cat is bold and independent and primarily selfish. So long as the cats needs are being met they will remain as pets. The moment you choose to ignore them and not pander to their needs they will not hesitate to scratch and swipe you or move onto the next victim or neighbourhood. Like the psychopath they hook us in by using use their looks charm and apparent sophistication but underneath the “pussy cat” exterior lies a predator in waiting.

When I finally returned from my holiday I was greeted by my loving dog who was extremely vocal and wagging her tail running around in circles the moment I entered the house. The cats on the other hand looked at me as if I a total stranger and then went immediately to the food bowl as if to say “where’s dinner”.

On a final note I wont be getting rid of any of my animals and I’ll always be a cat lover. Besides the cost of loving a cat despite getting what may appear to be little back is nothing compared to that which we invest in the psychopath. Just remember the next time you enjoying your cat sitting on your lap purring all happy and contented, Much like the relationship you had with the psychopath Chances are your favourite pussy is busy being fed and nurtured by some other soft-hearted person the moment your back is turned.

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Filed under intra species predator, psychopath, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath

Something fishy is going on

It’s interesting how many people have seen the word psychopath/ sociopath floated around and yet they still don’t have a clue what one.  Chances are they have met one, or may have even been staring one  in the face at some point in their lives and yet  because they haven’t had “direct” experience of one that its “none of their business”   Its a bit like the three wise monkey Syndrome.
They may read books from targets of psychopaths like mine with an amount of intrigue and interest and feel a certain amount of empathy especially if they have been on the receiving end themselves.  Some may even say things like “she had it coming, why was she so stupid” and yet the general population are being manipulated by psychopaths every single day of the week without even knowing it!  The problem is that so many psychopaths have felt so invincible for so long they thought they could get away with things without anyone noticing.
Its only recently that the whole picture has finally fitted into place for me.
Years ago I used to work on the equivalent of Wall Street in London.  I worked for a small american firm of stockbrokers just at the height of the feel good period when analysts and brokers made six figure salaries and spent their extended lunch hours entertaining possible clients, plying them with drinks and recreational drugs like cocaine.

Before I even knew what the word psychopath meant, in those days  it was a case of “if you can’t beat them join them” and I certainly didn’t have any inclination to become an “arse kissing“ sheep.  With this kind of mentality the new “golden boy” boss who had been appointed above me didn’t like my attitude and took my decision to leave of my hands  by selectively making me redundant whilst I was pregnant.  That was over twenty years ago.  My gut feeling back then was he couldn’t be trusted and was just motivated by his own agenda. He was later fired in an overseas post for fraud.
It was during that time that I realised at least that the banking system was “broken” and that some people weren’t quite what they seemed.  Despite what happened I felt like I was given a gift of freedom and  decided to go and work for myself doing a totally different job taking out a loan and retraining as an acupuncturist.  I knew I would earn far less that I ever could in the banking industry by my conscience was clear and I was doing something worthwhile.  It resulted in my husband at the time leaving because I’d been the main breadwinner beforehand and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t motivated by money.

Although I certainly wasn’t rich, It wasn’t until years later that I had the run in with Mr Dark Soul after building up a relatively comfortable life that  I had a “direct experience” that would affect my life emotionally and financially forever.

Today I was watching a film called “I am Fishead” with contributions by Robert Hare and Dr Babiak, both experts on psychopathy.  The film explores the correlation between psychopaths and those who have become almost sociopathic by enabling their behaviour.  It’s an excellent film and comes up with a few solutions including why we have become so apathetic.  It also explains why those who see evil around us now should speak up and say no and  mot stick our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn’t exist.  We all need to start taking responsibility for our own part in this psychopathic world that we live in were Wall Street bankers and the like have robbed millions of people of their hard-earned cash and homes and where corruption thrives in the system like a virus.

It goes on to say that “its our job to help amplify your silent voice and its your job to take action and say this is wrong!….So imagine that the most charismatic handsome person looks you in the eye and says you can “save the world” … The advantage of being in a “herd” is that when as few as 5-6 per cent the population becomes aware of danger nearly EVERYONE becomes aware. How close are we to the 5-6 per cent and what will YOU do?”

Many victims of psychopaths and sociopaths have kept silent for far too long.  Those like myself who decided to speak up and educate people about them haven’t done it because it was fun or to get revenge on our exes.  On the contrary, the amount of headache I have had by merely putting up the website and dealing with stalking from my psychopathic ex alone would be  enough to put anyone off wanting to even bother writing a book in the first place. Let alone finding time to do posts in my spare time when I am not working to pay off the bills I was left with.

What motivated me to write these posts and the book and get the message out is to same as it was back then.  I remember someone asking me why I wrote it.  I said “If I can help half a dozen women not have to go through what I went through, I’ll have done my bit”. Maybe not much in some people’s eyes but  imagine those half a dozen women educating another half a dozen and so on.  It’s because of that ripple effect that people like myself and others continue to plod along writing our posts and writing even more books about our experiences with sociopaths and psychopaths that eventually the word will spread amongst the mass population.

After all if people dont know what they are dealing with how can they deal with it?

Evil really does exist but what can we do about it?

Along the theme of “I am Fishhead” There are many people like myself “doing their bit” but I think the time has come for more conscious people to start working together and upping the volume so that the masses start to hear what we have been saying and find a solution. Those who do bad things need to start getting exposed and we need to stop enabling their behaviour.

Psychopaths can be found anywhere and as more and more people take responsibility that the 5 or 6 per cent who become aware increases as they  expose things such as corruption in governments, banking systems, corrupt religion leaders and so on .  The more all of us do this and band together , the more things can change.

Just because you haven’t had the misfortune of actually sleeping with the devil doesn’t mean you’re not having an indirect relationship of sorts with a psychopath right at this very moment .  Millions are being indirectly screwed right before their very eyes!  This is a direct experience  that will have a lasting impact for the rest of your lives  and generations to come.
People who are now starting to realise that they are already having a “direct” experience with at least one psychopath in their lives either through the banking system or through their workplace environment and its only a matter of time before it will become “their business” too when the world economy collapses  and not necessarily because they were “stupid” enough to fall in love with one or get into bed with them.

It’s then that everyone will start screaming “wolf”

People are becoming more aware but as George Simon who wrote “In sheeps Clothing” said in an interview he did about those lacking in conscience

“Sarah, if I might interrupt. Take heart, take heart. This is why we will necessarily wake up. The only question is how late it will be but this is why we will necessarily wake up . There is a most disturbing mega trend.  It’s worldwide, in free societies . The trend is that the responsibility hoisted upon the backs of those who are already responsible grows exponentially daily.

People who are relative neurotic, conscientious, and take their responsibilities seriously are asked to do more and more to make it all work every day. Those who do not take responsibility get away with more and have less actual responsibility placed on them every single day. This trend cannot continue ! It will not continue. Nature has built-in safeguards against that kind of thing happening for very long. At some point the people who are carrying the world on their shoulders will say, Enough. They will say that. And they will say about those who will not take any responsibility, they will insist that they finally step up do their fair share. It will happen. The question is, the only question is, how bad is it gonna have to get before that happens? “

Those of us “in the know” have known something was really fishy for a while now and yet up until recently no one really gave a damn because the smell wasn’t right on their doorstep!  My suggestion is that you have a look at “I am fishhead” and pass along and share before things start to get really stinky.

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Filed under character disturbance, dr robert hare, George Simon, I am fishhead, In sheeps clothing, psychopath, psychopathic cartoons, psyhopaths, sociopath

Repairing the Broken Mirror in Ourselves

Looking in the Mirror

One of the things I talk about in Dark Souls is the need for victims to look within themselves at the reasons why they attracted psychopaths or narcissists into their lives. Many books talk about how to spot them but few talk about why psychopaths may target certain types of people more than others.

At the moment there is a big shift in consciousness whereby psychopathic corporations are being exposed all over the world. Conscious, empathic, aware individuals are finally starting to wake up to the reality that a small minority of psychopaths really do run the majority of the planet. One thing is clear though – its through our own collective “enabling” of these psychopathic individuals that we have managed to end up in the position whereby our savings, houses are livelihoods are now in jeopardy.

Any kind of psychopathic organisation is unable to spin their web of lies without a willing group of followers who are able to make it all believable.

When it comes to a one on one relationship with a psychopath it becomes a more personal affair but it is also there to  mirror something deep in our own psyche that we may not wish to look at. Often we will hear of stories where people have been in relationship with these predators and its taken years before anyone if ever believes the victims. The psychopath has managed to con an manipulate so many people around them for so long they convince others that the target is insane or crazy.

Someone once said to me many years ago that when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need in our lives it’s the universes’ way of clearly saying that we no longer need that person in our lives anymore and making way for something better to come along.

We all want to see the good in people and when we spot the red flags we know deep down that the psychopath or sociopath is not all they are cracked up to be. We know that image they are portraying in the mirror is flawed but we want to make it all right. The distorted projected image that they reflect back to us is that of someone who is kind, empathic, loving, hard-working (fill in the blanks). However,  underneath the mask the psychopathic personality inherently flawed without ANY of these characteristics.

So why are our own mirror images of ourselves flawed and  what it is about ourselves that is attracted to them in the first place?

Many (not all) of the people who have contacted me for coaching or read my book Dark Souls come from a background of abuse and neglect of their own emotional needs.  They come with an unconscious feeling that they may not be worthy of being loved by another kind, loving person. The hook between the psychopath and the empathic person is that we see something in them that is inherently flawed in them, but at the same time is inherently flawed in us. I am not necessary talking about victims all suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder since many of the people who have contacted me have grown up with parents who are narcissists but have also spent their lives trying not to be like them but this “flaw” is often inherently wired in our systems as a result of our upbringing and projections from parents or spouses and its one of the hooks that psychopaths love.   An example of this is that we may be inherently bad, worthless, (fill in the blanks) all of which is totally unconscious and none of which is true.

What better way for a psychopath to get someone sucked in that, in their eyes, they see as the same as them.  In the eyes of the psychopaths eye they believe they have met their match. A mirror image of themselves. They see all the other things about us “the good bits” as being things they want in themselves! The irony is that when they meet us they soon start to realise that they have none of our other characteristics, kindness, empathy, ability to work hard, having a conscious and so on because they are just hard-wired to win and abuse people. This is when they start to get angry and want to punish us for being something they can never be.

When they realise that we aren’t evil or “like them” and can’t help them out or have run out of things they can steal off us which is why so many psychopathic corporations thrive based on them working together they see this as a flaw and use this against us to try to exert power and control over us so they can win.  As Dr George Simon puts it.

“You win I win, You lose I win, I win You Lose
and finally I lose, You Lose”

Whis is the main reason they try to hurt us so badly when we stand up to them or walk away.

Why we end up helping each other

When the relationship is over, we as targets, end up realising that these psychopathic predators are not what they seem either, and that their image of themselves is cracked and flawed as our own. We reason that there is no good in there that we so wanted to believe in and realise that all of the other faulty characteristics we believed about ourselves such as not being worthy of having kind loving relationships are all wrong. When we are prepared to look at our own flaws we are able to repair that broken mirror that was flawed in the first place and bring back the shine we once had before we were tainted by these psychopathic characters.

In some ways it’s a bit like a symbiotic relationship the same as it was when it was toxic. The psychopath in our lives is there to help us to be authentic and expose our own vulnerabilities and teach us to be who we really are. We learn how to become our true selves and how to love ourselves properly.  What they give us is a gift of authenticity.

We are then obliged to do give the same gift back to the psychopath. Like the psychopth who studies us, using our weaknesses against us, we educate ourselves, learn about their disorder and we end up dumping or leaving the psychopath/narcissist or Sociopath in our lives. Each one of us reflecting back that part of us in ourselves which no longer serves us.

The psychopath is then left having to be their real authentic selves too i.e. a dark empty shell. They are left with a reflection of themselves they no longer like which is why they will never look in the mirror or change themselves. They will never look at their own flaws and will continue to spend a lifetime searching for more shiny mirrors in the hope that we’ll reflect something back to them that was never there in the first place.

I leave you with a poem I wrote to my ex a few years when he was supposed to have cancer which turned out to just one of his many lies. I realise now I was writing it to myself and that the cancer is an analogy for the Dark Souls in our lives.

“The Mirror

 

tis another year on and our dreams are all shattered
All that we hoped for and all that had mattered
my eyes are still sore from crying rose-coloured tears
you now face your own demons as i have faced my own fears
that cancers a fu**er it will keep on returning
if you don’t pull out its root that lies in your heart yearning
I’m not talking about me or some lover or wife
I am talking about you, what you want in your life
its much easier to forget to just get on and do
numbs the brain and the senses and our soul too
so i found you a mirror that was special and good
it was tucked in the cellar and carved in oak wood
its hidden for years in a dusty old room
it holds answers to secrets you never dreamed could
when you look in the mirror tell me what do you see
is it you, or you children, your wife, or is it me
I think none of the above because the view isn’t clear
it’s just smeared with anger and guilt and fear
pull the cloth from your pocket and start to erase
all the smears on the mirror and start clearing the haze
as you wipe away layers of dirt built over time
you will fight back the tears as you clean off the grime
Your fingers are hurting your can’t rub anymore
you’ll leave it for now there’s a knock at the door
Oh “I’ll deal with it later” you say to yourself
no one cares about that old mirror put it back on the shelf
but you can’t do that ***** its too special to leave
the woods starting to rot and it needs air to breath
the mirror is tarnished you must do it in time
it takes forever to polish and bring back the shine
then you will look in the mirror it will all become clear
with each rub of the cloth you have faced all your fear
As you look in the mirror you see only YOU
no kids, no lover, no wife – my god what will you do
Say hello to yourself for the first time in years
don’t mess up the mirror again with your tears
it’s a special mirror that needs nurture and care as do you
if you look after it well it will be honest and true
it will reflect all your dreams and hopes and fears
but the maintenance polish is not your own tears
its only small ***** not much bigger than a locket
if you keep it with you always it will fit in your pocket
just remember to look after it as I try to do
and it will always be kind to you and let you be YOU

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, empaths, George Simon, In sheeps clothing, predatory aggressive personalities, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

One big Lie – The mantra of the Psychopath

After reading Claudia Moscovoci’s excellent article this morning on “Why Psychopaths lie” I decided to do an article explaining the crazy making ways in which psychopaths lie and manipulate their victims. There’s an expression made famous by Bill Clinton when he was asked if he had sex with Monica Lewinsky and he replied “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Then was then a pause to which he then went on to say “Monica Lewinsky, I never told anyone to lie” and then changed the subject completely to divert from the original question.

Most people would have taken what he has said as the truth but he wasn’t answering the question directly. Interesting enough I have always had my own opinions about Bill Clinton but I read with interest and an article where someone described Clinton as an adaptive psychopath

“He is not real. Efron writes of the fragment of stone at the bottom of Stephanopolous’ kaleidoscope — reflecting in a unique way, showing a different facet to each person as Clinton turns. This is a metaphor for the elusive “real Clinton;” but, in truth, there is no real Clinton that we could possibly comprehend. That little fragment is so alien that it might as well not exist in our universe. At the core of this man, Clinton, where the soul is supposed to be, there is, instead, a gaping void. A black hole. The Sun King exists only as the irresistible gravitational pull he exerts on others and the dying light — the catastrophic annihilation — of everyone and everything that strays too close to his event horizon. Within, there is an unknowable emptiness.”

An interesting analogy as I described these characters as being Darks Souls giving a similar example of Black holes in my book. I believe the unknowing emptyiness lacking in themselves is one of the reasons that psychopaths target people who have something unique to offer them so they can literally steal it from us.

Lying by Omission

Below are a couple of real examples on how psychopaths might lie when faced with a direct question. When I was dating my ex he would usually look very uncomfortable when faced with a question that he wanted to avoid.

During the time we were together he had left his wife and admitted to being in a lot of debt. I have two children myself and so does he and I was concerned that he would be a good parent and support his own children. He told me that he had left his wife and that he was paying his children’s school fees. When I sensed he wasn’t telling the truth I got a sensation in throat that something didn’t feel right so I said to him “are you sure” . Acting defensively he said well “if you don’t believe me have a look at this” and produced a letter from the school with a direct debit slip attached. I never once thought to ask to see his bank statements to see if the payments were actually coming out of his bank account. The problem is that we want to believe people but when it comes to psychopaths we must never assume anything.

On another occasion he had been offered a brand new job with a big corporation and was on a training event for a couple of weeks. It meant him staying at a hotel for two weeks. I knew the name of this new company he was working for and yet still I had this uneasy feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I asked what hotel he was staying in and he said it was a hotel in Swindon called “Holiday Inn”. I even called up the company without telling him and asked if they had a reservation for him to which they said no. I then called the company where he supposedly worked. I was told by the company that they didn’t recognise his name but they did have a Mr “Smith” working there. I asked if they booked training directly with the hotel as he’d told me the company where paying for his hotel expenses for the two weeks he was there and they said unless he was a senior manager company policy was for people to pay for their own hotels and then claim the expenses back. As he was already living in a property I had and supposed to be paying rent I couldn’t understand why he would want to pay for a hotel and have additional cost especially as he was supposed to be in debt.

By this time I was very suspicious and he did his usual acting defensively and said if you don’t believe that I am staying in “a” hotel come down. I called his bluff and I drove nearly 200 miles that night. As I was about to leave the motorway I got a call from him saying he hoped I had a good sense of humour and that he got the name of the hotel muddled up and that he wasn’t staying at the “Holiday Inn” but he was in fact staying at the Days Inn instead. In fact he even laughed and say something like “Oh my days” I am so sorry I did that, I’ll make it up to you when you get here.

When I arrived angry and flustered I wanted to ask the receptionist if he has stayed there the two weeks prior and she replied yes but put her head down. Because he was all nice and happy when I arrived he was trying to distract me. In hind site I realise that the receptionist would have the interests and confidentialy of her client and would have said anything. There was no invoice and no proof he had stayed there.

It turned out that the job he had was non-existent and that it just so happened he’d chosen to clone himself for a high position job at a company where there just happened to be a person working there in the department he was supposed to be in with the same surname as him.

When I finally uncovered all of the lies nothing he had told me was true.

These are just a few examples of how he and other psychopaths like him lie. I think one of the best examples was finding him on a modelling site. This was the very first time I realised I was dealing with a pathological  liar and which was what led me to finding out all of the above and researching people with personality disorders.

My ex Dark Soul had pictures of himself dressed up in a kilt and photos of himself cut and pasted out of his wedding pictures. He was offering his services as a male model providing walk on prince Charlie parts. When I asked him why he was on the site he said he had no aspirations to be a model or actor and that “I was making it up and it was all my imagination”. I checked and within hours google had taken the page off. He must have deleted his profile. What he didn’t realise is that Google caches pages and leaves an imprint for nearly 3 months even if the page no longer exists so long as the image is still on the server. I told him and he then said “Well someone must have put it on there for a laugh, perhaps my mum or wife did it”. Having had two children myself who has been to a modelling agency when they were small I thought that you need to prove who you are so I called up the model agency and asked them. I said “Is it possible for someone to put up someone else’s pictures without their permission?” They replied “No everyone on the site has to send in a photocopy of their passport details”.

By this time my ex was very defensive and angry and this was the start of uncovering what can only be described as a catalogue of lies and deceit ranging from having a non-existent jobs for over 2 years, to lying about having cancer, to putting himself on multiple sex sites and being a sperm donor just to mention a few.  He promptly an email to a non existent email address on the modelling site and copied me in asking why he was on the website.  What followed after confronting him with the details of his modelling advert was a root kit was dumped on my computer via the email hed copied me on on which which wiped off my PC and the rest is history.

I realised that the whole relationship was one big performance from start to finish.


The problem with liars whether they are psychopaths or not is that normal human beings feel bad when they lie. Psychopaths do not. To tell a lie takes up energy. When you tell one lie you have to cover it up with another one. This is where having a conscience is a real bummer. My children always make fun of me and say “Mum you are rubbish at lying”, even when it comes down to small things. I feel bad if I lie and can’t even lie about simple things like telling my kids I have nothing planned for the year when secretly I have planned a holiday. If I have had a bad day it shows on my face. I am an open book.

The only energy psychopaths use is to control and win. So expending energy into concocting a load of cods wallop is like water off a ducks back for them. Psychopaths are like puppets and can only “imitate” real emotions. They cannot experience them or feel real emotions or happiness, which is one of the reasons they are so attracted to victims like us because in reality they just want to be like us and know that they cannot. It’s also why they spend so much time preying and feeding off of our energy and good nature like vampires. Without victims they would die and end up the projected images of themselves they so wish to hide from everyone else. Everything about them is a mask and many victims say that their narcissistic ex or psychopath is a complete mess months after a breakup until of course they have their next energetic and economic feeding frenzy off their next victim.

Its all a big act

When it comes to convincing acting just Hollywood actor playing an oscar award winning role and your totally sucked into a story of the character they play.

Since we are already sucked into the psychopathic narcissists superficial glibness and charm and acting skills and the way in which the manage to convince they have genuine feelings. It comes as no surprise that they are able to lie and deceive us with the same dexterity.

Next time you see or hear something that doesn’t quite add up. Chances are it really doesn’t add up at all. Your internal radar is there for a reason screaming out to you with cognitive dissonance that something is wrong. A bit like the Bill Clinton story where everyone heard the words but no one really believed him.

Trusting our primal instincts

I have read a few times that when we first meet a psychopath the hairs on our neck stand up. It’s our animal instinct warning us to stay away from these people who some people choose to ignore. People have spent years convincing ourselves we are higher dimensional beings but underneath we are also animals, prey and predator. It’s through thousands of years of deprogramming our authentic selves that we have ended up putting ourselves at risk by ignoring one of the biggest lies in history. We may well have been prey to these psychopaths but evolution is starting to teach us that we need to listen to our animal instincts and not have to be part of their game any more.  The more we evolve as conscious human individuals the more we can spot and expose these predators.

When I first met my ex I got this feeling of the hairs on my neck and confused it with sexual chemistry. Five years later and I was so far pumped up with oxytocin and lies I was hooked. Hopefully next time your psychopathic starts looking you squarely in the face with a bare-faced lie whether it be your partner, boss or co-worker.  I hope that  you’ll start to recall and remember that feeling too and run away as fast as you can and not be prey to them any longer.

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Filed under claudia moscovici, dark souls, liars, projection, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick

Goodbye Mr Stalker

Stalking is a difficult subject for most people least of all those on the receiving end of it. I was prompted to write this article after the person I talk about in my book them decided to stalk me again on Facebook. The stalking still continues via phone and email and other inventive ways.

It wasn’t the first time this has happened and he has dreamed up a few very imaginative ways in which to have contact with me. I only use Facebook to chat with friends and family and my settings are pretty much secure however I had still had the option for people to send me messages and add me as a friend. In this particular case they set up a fake profile (not the first time I might add) and then tried to add me as a friend, sent a message and pretended to be someone else but also gave me enough clues to know it was them. Interestingly enough his own profile has been hidden for years since he got caught out.

If he wasn’t doing this he was phoning from withheld numbers or pretending to be other people via email.  It pays to have a sense of humour when they do this kind of thing however tiresome it feels at the time or as this Facebook Stalker video shows (especially if the guy in the video reminds you of your ex) and you don’t want a dose of PTSD.

I found the video interesting since its more clever than most people think.  Many abusers have black and white thinking and its a very clever exploration into the mind of the stalker.  At the same time no one knows victims better than an abuser and the way they use stalking is to trigger us off into  a different kind of black and white thinking.  This particular article explains why many victims may go into depression the moment the abuser presses all their buttons.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/dlp/understanding-depression/all-or-nothing-or-black-and-white-thinking-and-depression/

The abuser knows this which is why they do what they do.  My personal opinion for what its worth is the way in which the vindictive narcissistic stalker will try to get a connection with you but using subtle clues and triggers and messages in the hope you will  speak to them.  Even though you may not think its them they will give more than enough information away to let you know that its them but not enough to get them prosecuted.

In their twisted way their reasons for stalking you is  their backhanded way of having a dig because you have moved on and at the same time although they may be pretending to be someone else.  On a subtle level they want you to know its them so you may start to feel scared and intimidated. They may use a combination of tactics to get your attention. The following article gives you an idea as to some of the lengths ex’s go to when cyber stalking their partners.

Of course from the accused point if view it may also be the case of mistaken identity where a victim wrongly believes they are being stalked.

Having been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a very clever stalking campaign, I was prompted to ask  fellow writer Dr George Simon who deals with manipulative people.  George recently wrote a very good book Character Disturbance on the reasons why predators including psychopaths might still feel the need to stalk victims long after the relationship was over. He suggested that:

There is no single profile for a stalker.  However, it’s not uncommon for any of the folks I characterize as “aggressive personalities” (including predatory aggressives alt: psychopaths) to engage in such behaviour.  Remember, for any of the aggressive personalities, there’s only 3 things that count in life: position, position, and position!  So, the name of the game is simple:  You can’t be allowed to win and they can’t lose.  The primary purpose of the stalking is to send the message that you might imagine yourself to be free and independent, but they are really still in control.  The secondary purpose is saving face.  It’s asserting the message that you couldn’t possibly have rejected someone as fantastic as they are. “


He further went onto say as I have in Dark Souls on the victims of these abusers:

“For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to send the message that the need to come to terms with your own issues is the main reason a continued relationship with them is not possible.”

In my humble opinion this isn’t a cop-out it just an easier more palliative way of getting them off your back.

However the most important message that George has is this:

“It’s also important to have a sound safety plan.  Risk is highest for all types of problem behaviours when they think they’ve lost control as well as face.”

Since the Stalker can be either a psychopath, narcissist, erotomaniac or any other paranoid type once you learn what type you are dealing with you can take the appropriate action plan. I have had one other encounter with a stalker whom I have never had a relationship who turned out to be an erotomaniac. In my opinion the best way to deal with these types is to ignore them completely. Otherwise anything (and I mean anything) you say to them will be misconstrued as a message that you wish to have a relationship with them that never existed in the first place. You could tell them they are a weirdos and they would take this as a hidden message that you love them.

The narcissist is similar in some ways because they have no issues if you berate or abuse them. But what if you are dealing with a vindictive narcissist who wont let you go. Sam Vaknin posted a video on the vindictive narcissist and it is well worth watching. As a malignant narcissist himself he suggests that narcissists tend to be paranoid  and  frightening them back is sometimes a good option. However if you are going to issue vague threats to the narcissist be prepared to carry them out otherwise they will keep coming back for more narcissistic supply.

I have talked at some length in Dark Souls about the Stalker however sometimes the only option is to move away especially if you are suffering from severe PTSD and need a complete break from them to heal and carry on with your life. This is also important if the stalker is dangerous and your life is at risk.

Flora Loveday has some excellent advice and articles on her website about law enforcement agencies and how to deal with the stalker so I would strongly suggest you check out her website if stalking has become and issue.

I would like to point out that the rule of no contact but sometimes letting your stalker know indirectly that you know they following you and you’re not prepared to stand for their nonsense anymore is enough to get them off your back for good. Changing your email and phone number is also a good idea.  If you have a computer make sure you have any keylogging software and spyware removed and change your email addresses regularly.

If you can get law enforcement agencies to deal with it be warned that any abusive types are likely to use very sneaky tactics and turn the tables back on you. So don’t always expect law enforcement to help you. Sometimes you are on your own and therefore a polite email or letter without threats is often enough to get them to back off. Until of course the next time they get bored and start playing their silly games and want to come back again. Nowadays each time my ex comes plays one of his childish pranks I remind myself of why I am no longer with him and reduce him in my head to a cartoon sized character that no longer has any hold over me.  Its also a reminder that I need to set more boundaries and practice saying no more.

It might help if you send them a goodbye email explaining your reasons why you cannot have a relationship with them anymore to give yourself final closure even if you don’t actually send it.

On a more positive note there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are practical ways you can deal with them like those I have suggested in this article and the ones I talk about in my book dark Souls and eventually the abuser will leave your life completely.  The longer you have no contact the more you set boundaries the less likely these predators are to make you feel intimidated.

At all times, remember the law, keep yourself safe and in the meantime stay focussed and happy.

Writing Dark Souls has been a real journey for me. Not only writing the book but having to deal the ongoing drama and with my own issues about why I attracting this man and many others like him. Many victims are not prepared to look a this which is why they often attract the same types over and over again.  I talk about this in great detail about why some people stay in victim mode focussed on the abuser and why they did what they did.

The moment you start looking at your own reasons why these predatory types keep on coming back to like a moth to the flame you will stop getting yourself burned. Figure out their behaviour by all means but stop enabling it and then move on!

Suddenly A miracle starts happening and when you put all the energy you put into figuring out why they did this and that into yourself you no longer feel enslaved by them and you are free forever.

If you would like to find more about stalking and how you can get help from law enforcement agencies please click on the links below

http://silentnomore.org/after-the-assault/legal-information/stalking-a-guide-for-victims/

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, stalkers, toxic relationships