Tag Archives: narcissistic personality disorder

Repairing the Broken Mirror in Ourselves

Looking in the Mirror

One of the things I talk about in Dark Souls is the need for victims to look within themselves at the reasons why they attracted psychopaths or narcissists into their lives. Many books talk about how to spot them but few talk about why psychopaths may target certain types of people more than others.

At the moment there is a big shift in consciousness whereby psychopathic corporations are being exposed all over the world. Conscious, empathic, aware individuals are finally starting to wake up to the reality that a small minority of psychopaths really do run the majority of the planet. One thing is clear though – its through our own collective “enabling” of these psychopathic individuals that we have managed to end up in the position whereby our savings, houses are livelihoods are now in jeopardy.

Any kind of psychopathic organisation is unable to spin their web of lies without a willing group of followers who are able to make it all believable.

When it comes to a one on one relationship with a psychopath it becomes a more personal affair but it is also there to  mirror something deep in our own psyche that we may not wish to look at. Often we will hear of stories where people have been in relationship with these predators and its taken years before anyone if ever believes the victims. The psychopath has managed to con an manipulate so many people around them for so long they convince others that the target is insane or crazy.

Someone once said to me many years ago that when someone doesn’t give us what we want or need in our lives it’s the universes’ way of clearly saying that we no longer need that person in our lives anymore and making way for something better to come along.

We all want to see the good in people and when we spot the red flags we know deep down that the psychopath or sociopath is not all they are cracked up to be. We know that image they are portraying in the mirror is flawed but we want to make it all right. The distorted projected image that they reflect back to us is that of someone who is kind, empathic, loving, hard-working (fill in the blanks). However,  underneath the mask the psychopathic personality inherently flawed without ANY of these characteristics.

So why are our own mirror images of ourselves flawed and  what it is about ourselves that is attracted to them in the first place?

Many (not all) of the people who have contacted me for coaching or read my book Dark Souls come from a background of abuse and neglect of their own emotional needs.  They come with an unconscious feeling that they may not be worthy of being loved by another kind, loving person. The hook between the psychopath and the empathic person is that we see something in them that is inherently flawed in them, but at the same time is inherently flawed in us. I am not necessary talking about victims all suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder since many of the people who have contacted me have grown up with parents who are narcissists but have also spent their lives trying not to be like them but this “flaw” is often inherently wired in our systems as a result of our upbringing and projections from parents or spouses and its one of the hooks that psychopaths love.   An example of this is that we may be inherently bad, worthless, (fill in the blanks) all of which is totally unconscious and none of which is true.

What better way for a psychopath to get someone sucked in that, in their eyes, they see as the same as them.  In the eyes of the psychopaths eye they believe they have met their match. A mirror image of themselves. They see all the other things about us “the good bits” as being things they want in themselves! The irony is that when they meet us they soon start to realise that they have none of our other characteristics, kindness, empathy, ability to work hard, having a conscious and so on because they are just hard-wired to win and abuse people. This is when they start to get angry and want to punish us for being something they can never be.

When they realise that we aren’t evil or “like them” and can’t help them out or have run out of things they can steal off us which is why so many psychopathic corporations thrive based on them working together they see this as a flaw and use this against us to try to exert power and control over us so they can win.  As Dr George Simon puts it.

“You win I win, You lose I win, I win You Lose
and finally I lose, You Lose”

Whis is the main reason they try to hurt us so badly when we stand up to them or walk away.

Why we end up helping each other

When the relationship is over, we as targets, end up realising that these psychopathic predators are not what they seem either, and that their image of themselves is cracked and flawed as our own. We reason that there is no good in there that we so wanted to believe in and realise that all of the other faulty characteristics we believed about ourselves such as not being worthy of having kind loving relationships are all wrong. When we are prepared to look at our own flaws we are able to repair that broken mirror that was flawed in the first place and bring back the shine we once had before we were tainted by these psychopathic characters.

In some ways it’s a bit like a symbiotic relationship the same as it was when it was toxic. The psychopath in our lives is there to help us to be authentic and expose our own vulnerabilities and teach us to be who we really are. We learn how to become our true selves and how to love ourselves properly.  What they give us is a gift of authenticity.

We are then obliged to do give the same gift back to the psychopath. Like the psychopth who studies us, using our weaknesses against us, we educate ourselves, learn about their disorder and we end up dumping or leaving the psychopath/narcissist or Sociopath in our lives. Each one of us reflecting back that part of us in ourselves which no longer serves us.

The psychopath is then left having to be their real authentic selves too i.e. a dark empty shell. They are left with a reflection of themselves they no longer like which is why they will never look in the mirror or change themselves. They will never look at their own flaws and will continue to spend a lifetime searching for more shiny mirrors in the hope that we’ll reflect something back to them that was never there in the first place.

I leave you with a poem I wrote to my ex a few years when he was supposed to have cancer which turned out to just one of his many lies. I realise now I was writing it to myself and that the cancer is an analogy for the Dark Souls in our lives.

“The Mirror

 

tis another year on and our dreams are all shattered
All that we hoped for and all that had mattered
my eyes are still sore from crying rose-coloured tears
you now face your own demons as i have faced my own fears
that cancers a fu**er it will keep on returning
if you don’t pull out its root that lies in your heart yearning
I’m not talking about me or some lover or wife
I am talking about you, what you want in your life
its much easier to forget to just get on and do
numbs the brain and the senses and our soul too
so i found you a mirror that was special and good
it was tucked in the cellar and carved in oak wood
its hidden for years in a dusty old room
it holds answers to secrets you never dreamed could
when you look in the mirror tell me what do you see
is it you, or you children, your wife, or is it me
I think none of the above because the view isn’t clear
it’s just smeared with anger and guilt and fear
pull the cloth from your pocket and start to erase
all the smears on the mirror and start clearing the haze
as you wipe away layers of dirt built over time
you will fight back the tears as you clean off the grime
Your fingers are hurting your can’t rub anymore
you’ll leave it for now there’s a knock at the door
Oh “I’ll deal with it later” you say to yourself
no one cares about that old mirror put it back on the shelf
but you can’t do that ***** its too special to leave
the woods starting to rot and it needs air to breath
the mirror is tarnished you must do it in time
it takes forever to polish and bring back the shine
then you will look in the mirror it will all become clear
with each rub of the cloth you have faced all your fear
As you look in the mirror you see only YOU
no kids, no lover, no wife – my god what will you do
Say hello to yourself for the first time in years
don’t mess up the mirror again with your tears
it’s a special mirror that needs nurture and care as do you
if you look after it well it will be honest and true
it will reflect all your dreams and hopes and fears
but the maintenance polish is not your own tears
its only small ***** not much bigger than a locket
if you keep it with you always it will fit in your pocket
just remember to look after it as I try to do
and it will always be kind to you and let you be YOU

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, empaths, George Simon, In sheeps clothing, predatory aggressive personalities, psychopath, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, toxic relationships

Goodbye Mr Stalker

Stalking is a difficult subject for most people least of all those on the receiving end of it. I was prompted to write this article after the person I talk about in my book them decided to stalk me again on Facebook. The stalking still continues via phone and email and other inventive ways.

It wasn’t the first time this has happened and he has dreamed up a few very imaginative ways in which to have contact with me. I only use Facebook to chat with friends and family and my settings are pretty much secure however I had still had the option for people to send me messages and add me as a friend. In this particular case they set up a fake profile (not the first time I might add) and then tried to add me as a friend, sent a message and pretended to be someone else but also gave me enough clues to know it was them. Interestingly enough his own profile has been hidden for years since he got caught out.

If he wasn’t doing this he was phoning from withheld numbers or pretending to be other people via email.  It pays to have a sense of humour when they do this kind of thing however tiresome it feels at the time or as this Facebook Stalker video shows (especially if the guy in the video reminds you of your ex) and you don’t want a dose of PTSD.

I found the video interesting since its more clever than most people think.  Many abusers have black and white thinking and its a very clever exploration into the mind of the stalker.  At the same time no one knows victims better than an abuser and the way they use stalking is to trigger us off into  a different kind of black and white thinking.  This particular article explains why many victims may go into depression the moment the abuser presses all their buttons.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/dlp/understanding-depression/all-or-nothing-or-black-and-white-thinking-and-depression/

The abuser knows this which is why they do what they do.  My personal opinion for what its worth is the way in which the vindictive narcissistic stalker will try to get a connection with you but using subtle clues and triggers and messages in the hope you will  speak to them.  Even though you may not think its them they will give more than enough information away to let you know that its them but not enough to get them prosecuted.

In their twisted way their reasons for stalking you is  their backhanded way of having a dig because you have moved on and at the same time although they may be pretending to be someone else.  On a subtle level they want you to know its them so you may start to feel scared and intimidated. They may use a combination of tactics to get your attention. The following article gives you an idea as to some of the lengths ex’s go to when cyber stalking their partners.

Of course from the accused point if view it may also be the case of mistaken identity where a victim wrongly believes they are being stalked.

Having been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a very clever stalking campaign, I was prompted to ask  fellow writer Dr George Simon who deals with manipulative people.  George recently wrote a very good book Character Disturbance on the reasons why predators including psychopaths might still feel the need to stalk victims long after the relationship was over. He suggested that:

There is no single profile for a stalker.  However, it’s not uncommon for any of the folks I characterize as “aggressive personalities” (including predatory aggressives alt: psychopaths) to engage in such behaviour.  Remember, for any of the aggressive personalities, there’s only 3 things that count in life: position, position, and position!  So, the name of the game is simple:  You can’t be allowed to win and they can’t lose.  The primary purpose of the stalking is to send the message that you might imagine yourself to be free and independent, but they are really still in control.  The secondary purpose is saving face.  It’s asserting the message that you couldn’t possibly have rejected someone as fantastic as they are. “


He further went onto say as I have in Dark Souls on the victims of these abusers:

“For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to send the message that the need to come to terms with your own issues is the main reason a continued relationship with them is not possible.”

In my humble opinion this isn’t a cop-out it just an easier more palliative way of getting them off your back.

However the most important message that George has is this:

“It’s also important to have a sound safety plan.  Risk is highest for all types of problem behaviours when they think they’ve lost control as well as face.”

Since the Stalker can be either a psychopath, narcissist, erotomaniac or any other paranoid type once you learn what type you are dealing with you can take the appropriate action plan. I have had one other encounter with a stalker whom I have never had a relationship who turned out to be an erotomaniac. In my opinion the best way to deal with these types is to ignore them completely. Otherwise anything (and I mean anything) you say to them will be misconstrued as a message that you wish to have a relationship with them that never existed in the first place. You could tell them they are a weirdos and they would take this as a hidden message that you love them.

The narcissist is similar in some ways because they have no issues if you berate or abuse them. But what if you are dealing with a vindictive narcissist who wont let you go. Sam Vaknin posted a video on the vindictive narcissist and it is well worth watching. As a malignant narcissist himself he suggests that narcissists tend to be paranoid  and  frightening them back is sometimes a good option. However if you are going to issue vague threats to the narcissist be prepared to carry them out otherwise they will keep coming back for more narcissistic supply.

I have talked at some length in Dark Souls about the Stalker however sometimes the only option is to move away especially if you are suffering from severe PTSD and need a complete break from them to heal and carry on with your life. This is also important if the stalker is dangerous and your life is at risk.

Flora Loveday has some excellent advice and articles on her website about law enforcement agencies and how to deal with the stalker so I would strongly suggest you check out her website if stalking has become and issue.

I would like to point out that the rule of no contact but sometimes letting your stalker know indirectly that you know they following you and you’re not prepared to stand for their nonsense anymore is enough to get them off your back for good. Changing your email and phone number is also a good idea.  If you have a computer make sure you have any keylogging software and spyware removed and change your email addresses regularly.

If you can get law enforcement agencies to deal with it be warned that any abusive types are likely to use very sneaky tactics and turn the tables back on you. So don’t always expect law enforcement to help you. Sometimes you are on your own and therefore a polite email or letter without threats is often enough to get them to back off. Until of course the next time they get bored and start playing their silly games and want to come back again. Nowadays each time my ex comes plays one of his childish pranks I remind myself of why I am no longer with him and reduce him in my head to a cartoon sized character that no longer has any hold over me.  Its also a reminder that I need to set more boundaries and practice saying no more.

It might help if you send them a goodbye email explaining your reasons why you cannot have a relationship with them anymore to give yourself final closure even if you don’t actually send it.

On a more positive note there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are practical ways you can deal with them like those I have suggested in this article and the ones I talk about in my book dark Souls and eventually the abuser will leave your life completely.  The longer you have no contact the more you set boundaries the less likely these predators are to make you feel intimidated.

At all times, remember the law, keep yourself safe and in the meantime stay focussed and happy.

Writing Dark Souls has been a real journey for me. Not only writing the book but having to deal the ongoing drama and with my own issues about why I attracting this man and many others like him. Many victims are not prepared to look a this which is why they often attract the same types over and over again.  I talk about this in great detail about why some people stay in victim mode focussed on the abuser and why they did what they did.

The moment you start looking at your own reasons why these predatory types keep on coming back to like a moth to the flame you will stop getting yourself burned. Figure out their behaviour by all means but stop enabling it and then move on!

Suddenly A miracle starts happening and when you put all the energy you put into figuring out why they did this and that into yourself you no longer feel enslaved by them and you are free forever.

If you would like to find more about stalking and how you can get help from law enforcement agencies please click on the links below

http://silentnomore.org/after-the-assault/legal-information/stalking-a-guide-for-victims/

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Filed under character disturbance, dark souls, stalkers, toxic relationships