Tag Archives: oxytocin

Happy Pathological Free Valentines Day

With Valentines day just around the corner it’s always a time of contemplation for anyone who single. They might be feeling lonely and wondering why they haven’t found that perfect someone or perhaps they might be in a relationship which appears to be OK but underneath but isn’t quite what it seems. When people are in loving healthy relationships Valentines day is not really that important because every day is a day worth celebrating. In contrast those who have been in relationships with disordered personality may look to Valentines day in the small hope that their partner might show them some kind of love and affection at least for one day.

When our partners buy us a box of chocolates or take us out for a lavish dinner we might feel like we have won the lottery and yet in reality the chance is they have gone out and bought a half-hearted bunch of flowers from a gas station at the last-minute and put the dinner on their company expenses (assuming they even have a job). Worse still we may even end up paying the bill ourselves. In our addictive blindness to what’s really going on in the relationship thinking we are in “love”, when in fact we are pathologically bonded, we are often so grateful that we have even got anything at all. We totally forget that up until that point we have been investing so much in the relationship like the slot machine syndrome that Dr George Simon talks about when we are too scared to walk away in case we get a small pay-off.

If we are single on Valentines day most psychopaths will have a very wide relationship circle and may try to do their best to persuade us that we should see them again, often because their relationship circle may be in short supply at this time of the year. Perhaps their previous victims have moved on and found someone else to fill their shoes on Valentines day. Disordered personality’s are often very persuasive and may try to woo us by making lots of empty promises and seductive temptation. They will put anything on the menu they can to get you back , these goodies could include, lying, manipulation, presents, and other goodies like chocolates and flowers. Almost certainly there will be a nice side dish of sex on the menu.

In our eagerness to get that illusive payout we totally go into selective amnesia not realizing that in reality what appears to be too good really is “too good to be true”. We ultimately accept any dregs they offer us including the leftover sex, from previous partners they may have been with, and we have opened ourselves up to the pathological bond all over again by exposing ourselves to a nice big dose of Oxytocin which lowers our resistance and builds up trust again.  Each time you have sex Oxytocin is released and the pathological bond is strengthened. Any kind of  intimacy, including conversing, cuddling and so on, will stimulate Oxytocin release. Oxytocin affects everyone differently and for most victims they are likely to be more trusting of their abusers.  Oxytocin can also quell our brains fear hubs. That’s fine if you are in a healthy relationship but if its shared and released whilst having sex with a disordered personality such as a psychopath, you will immediately become vulnerable again not to mention the effect it might have on a psychopath.

If your relationship is based on highly addictive sex, including a one-off quicky on valentine’s day, then by having a side dish of sex with a dose of Oxytocin thrown in as a dressing is just asking for trouble.

Getting off the roller coaster

So there we are back on the old “love roller coaster” ride all over again! We may have a temporary high, albeit for a day, week or month until eventually our pathological lover decides to disregard us, abuse us and then throw us off the ride again.  We selective forget all the times when the relationship left us feeling miserable and unhappy and of course the temporary high doesn’t last very long.

So why get on the ride in the first place, is it  because we “love them” and because we want to “understand them”. Well yes we think we love them but it’s not real love because they the person we are with is pathological. Real relationships are based on mutual trust, companionship, honesty, love, and respect – something you will never get with a disordered personality. Of course if you enjoy being on the roller coaster of “love” then you have to ask yourself why.

Taking yourself off the roller coaster takes guts and a bit of soul-searching. It means looking within, facing your fears and finding the reasons why on earth you would have such low self-esteem as to want to spend your valentine’s day, or any other day for that matter, with someone who would abuse, mistreat you, cheat on you, steal from you, physically or emotionally harm you, fill in the blanks.

Fortunately most victims of psychopaths and any kind of abuse reach a point at which the roller coaster ride doesn’t become fun any more and its time to unstrap your seat belt and get off. You might even have to go around the track a few times with your therapist figuring out how you even got on there in the first place.

For those of you that have taken the plunge and got off the roller coaster you can always decide to get back on again at a later date after you have educated yourself and healed from the abuse. Only this time your eyes will be wide open and you wont need some pathological sidekick to drag you on there with them. You will have faced your fears and be able to go it alone.

Celebrate Valentines day this year by grabbing yourself a lovely bunch of flowers bought from the heart.  If you fancy buy yourself a nice box of chocolates, go out if you wish, and treat yourself to something beautiful that shows you how much you love and care about yourself. And while you’re at it buy yourself a piggy bank or trinket box and every time you look back and think of all the energy you put into “wishfully thinking” or hoping things might get better or wondering what could “I” have done to make it work.  Instead of wishful thinking put some money in your box.

I wish you all a wonderful pathological free Valentines day.  Be kind to yourself and remind yourselves how far you have come.  It may be a bumpy ride whilst your healing but none so bumpy as the ride you were on with your partners and this time next year you will have a wishful thinking box so full of money and positive intentions and you will also be 1 more year longer of NO CONTACT.  You can thank yourself next valentines day for being authentic and making healthy choices not by being sad and looking back but by  celebrating your achievements  either on your own or with a lovely healthy new partner.

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Psychopaths – The Deadliest Poison of All


I recently received an email from a woman who had read Dark Souls and said that her favourite movie was “Eat, Pray, Love”. She quoted a line from the film “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.” She explained that she felt that after her relationship with her narcissistic ex she was ruined – temporarily – but now she was being transformed into someone better and healthier than she was before.

Many victims of sociopaths go through what can only be described as a transformation or a metamorphosis, whereby they decide to let go of their old self and negative beliefs that kept them stuck in relationship with such toxic personalities in the first place.

The problem is that when we first meet psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists they appear to be so endearing and appealing it feels a bit like having a quick fix. We convince ourselves its love because they so carefully managed to con and manipulate us but its nothing more than a deadly addiction to something more sinister.

The psychopath mirrors our own positive qualities such as empathy and kindness then by ticking all the boxes, they are charismatic, charming and manage to shape shift and mould themselves into being anything we want them to be, prince charming, knight in shining armour, fill in the blanks. When we first meet them we are filled with the chemical rush that comes with having been pumped with lots of oxytocin that give us a temporary feel good factor.

We might have been attractive ourselves when we first meet these predators, but being the true fakes that they are everything they pump into is an illusion and we start to feel drained and tired, we may start to feel ill and look poorly. We start to realise how draining they are on our energy as they slowly drain us of our lifeforce.

The short-term benefits of having what appeared to be the “real stuff” in terms of both affection and love starts to disappear and we realise very soon we are being fed a load of old tripe.

Energetically, it feels in the beginning a bit like having a regular dose of Botox, which incidentally I have never felt inclined to try, and then finding out we can’t afford to have it anymore. After a while we look and feel ten times worse than we did before we started having it.

As we start to take on their projected unowned feelings we become a shadow of our former selves.

According to the British Medical journal I’d say that being with a psychopath isn’t much different from being addicted to having Botox injections.

Side Effects of Botox

Writing in the British Medical Journal, Dr. Misra warned: “Robust evidence for the action of botulinium toxin (BOTOX) on sensory neurones is lacking.”

He added that “Animal experiments have shown that botulinium toxin affects the transmission of afferent nerves” and that the toxin “has been shown to play a part in inhibiting the release of neurotransmitters.”

He pointed to a study published in 2001 that found 23% of patients seeking Botox treatment at a dermatology clinic had body dysmorphic disorder, and that psychotherapy was considered the more appropriate treatment for them than Botox injections.

Psychopaths are Deadly Toxins

Most victims or psychopaths would have been far better to have left their partners and sought psychotherapy than carried on having their fix of what can only be described as a deadly toxin. Psychopaths should be treated with caution and much like Botox they cause a paralysis in our brain chemistry which stops it from functioning properly. Just like Botox the long-term effects of the what appears to be a “miracle” when we first meet them and the effects that they have on our brain, nervous system, and muscles are as yet unknown.  Like Botox,  Psychopaths might make us feel good in the short term, but they are dangerous to our health.

Botox may appear to be relatively safe.  However as I said  Dark Souls. “If I were to offer you a glass with the label “poison” on it, would you drink it? Well, the answer lies in the disguise. You would likely drink it if you didn’t know what was in the bottle. Both personalities are masters of illusion and they can con anyone. So when you meet a Dark Soul, what you see on the outside label, or the bottle, is NOT what is inside. It’s only when you drink it that you find out its poison.”

Many victims are left feeling shadows of their former selves whilst the psychopath and narcissist is so pumped up with all the attention they are receiving from their victims they feel the opposite. My own ex always used to try to come back when I was at my strongest then try to wear me down.

Having witnessed first hand the impact it has on the physical and emotional wellbeing of the victims some are unrecognisable when they have been with these predators for so long. I looked terrible when I was at the tail end of the relationship, I was tired ,  ill and was a complete mess. He on the other hand looked the best he had done for years although usually this only last when they have a victim to prey on.

However there is good news. When you leave a psychopath its a bit like having a natural facelift. With good therapy and a bit of work on yourself you’ll look and feel ten years younger and start to be back to your authentic self. When people email me saying they have put on weight and don’t feel attractive or happy anymore I tell them to be patient and not to be so hard on themselves. One woman I knew who was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and finally left when her house was repossessed was unrecognisable when her husband finally left. No longer the dependant enabler, she is full of life and looks amazing.

To prove a point I have added a before and after picture of what I looked like in relationship with my psychopathic ex and now nearly 18 months on away from them. I looked a complete mess!

Looking a bit of a mess

Happier, healthier and contented 18 months later

On a final note many victims say to me things looking back after the relationship like “I don’t know what I ever saw in them” “They are like a stranger” “I would have never chosen someone like that”.

Recently I found a picture of my psychopathic ex on the net and was shocked when I saw it. He was about 4 stone heavier than when we last met and his face was full of anger and rage. When I looked at his picture I just thought to myself that’s how you left me feeling and looking. A projected image of his authentic self. This wasn’t a man I fell in love with it was a total stranger, this was the man I should have had the foresight to recognise in the first place.

The man who had hidden himself so carefully, behind the mask.

Next time I have a relationship I want the real stuff.  Something that doesn’t offer a quick fix or short term benefits.  A relationship that doesn’t move so quickly that the the next thing you know your brain has become paralysed and you cannot think straight.  One fix and your hooked.

Its called a healthy relationship. It was at that point that I realised no more Botox for me. Like the bottle of poison, no matter how carefully disguised the packaging is, I was cured of my addiction to fake botox forever.

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Filed under addiction, narcissists, oxytocin, poison, projection, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, sociopath