Over the last few months I have been filling in the blanks of my relationship with the man I describe in the book called Dark Souls. It will be 2 Years in January 2012 since I have had no contact apart from being stalked occasionally and also found a few more shocking things about them since I wrote the book.
During this time I have been busy recouping some of my finances, writing my blog, doing the website and Youtube videos, getting myself a new part time job along with coaching and acupuncture work to pay off all the debts I was left with.
Along with all the practical things I have had to do that such as running a business, moving house and looking after a family along with more tedious things like constantly having to change email address phone numbers and so on I have remained resolute and firm and not given up. Occasionally I thought I would fold and surrender under the pressure. I have also had to rebuilt my self esteem from the bottom up and totally changed the way I do relationships both with friends, family and colleauges. I have learnt to set strong boundaries that may never have existed before and learn finally to say NO.
In some ways I am a different person to the person I was when I first met him. If someone had asked me how I could have had the strength and energy to get through all the challenges I have over the last two years, the moving, changing jobs, dealing with constant email hacking, stalking, working, looking after my two children I would have replied “I can NEVER do it” How wrong I was.
In some ways I’d like to think that as a result of what happened I am now a more stronger improved version of the woman I thought this man had fallen in love with. Despite the scars and the pain of what happened to me it has given me the strength to become wiser and stronger. Its because of that strength I have been inspired to write and help others too.
I am currently writing my second book which I hope to have finished by Spring 2012 (work permitting) about moving on which will fill in some of the gaps that were missing in the first book. Itwill give more hope to victims of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Hope that there is a better life at the end of the relationship, whether you have been dating them, married or grown up with them as family members.
Many people email me saying how will they ever get over the relationship? How will they ever get over the hurt and pain and the betrayal ? how will they ever trust again?. Time again victims berate themselves for having taken their disordered partners back into their lives in the hope they might change or of trying to understand them and then find that they are back to square one having to endure the pain all over again. They start to doubt their own sanity, question their own reality and underneath it all, deep down, they still want the Psychopath or sociopath to reciprocate by understanding how their callous actions affected us their victims. All of which is to no avail because the Psychopath can never see what they have done wrong because in their eyes they are perfect and you were just a target or a source of narcissistic supply.
Whenever I have what I call a down day I try to look at the positives. I meditate or play some upbeat music and remain thankful for all the positive things in my life. For example the fact that I recently managed to take my son on holiday abroad and that I have a new part time job I really love along with my other work. I remind myself daily that I am healthy and happy.
In my darkest days I am constantly looking for ways to lift me up and inspire me and raise my vibration higher. This inspires me to never be drawn back into the darkness ever again.
In my spare time I make dance music and composed a whole album called the Phoenix whilst I was writing Dark Souls . All of my music has no words but often when we hear words in a track it gives it a whole new meaning.
Today I found this tune which is by a band called VNV Nation which stands for Victory Not Vengeance. Often as targets or victims of psychopaths its hard not to become bitter and vengeful and to remain in a place of grace despite some of the DISgraceful things they do to us.
This track reminds us that despite everything sometimes it pays to remain in Gratitude even to Psychopath.
Whether or not the song had the same meaning when they wrote it I have no idea, but I know this will be my Anthem for the coming months whilst I finalise my second book.
For many of us its hard to find closure but the closure comes from within in a place in our hearts and our minds where we may not necessary “forgive and forget” but we accept what’s happened. However despite all the challenges perhaps if it were not for the Psychopath in our lives we would never be able to be inspired to be capable of doing some of the things we do because through our supposed weakness and vulnerability the psychopath leaves us with no choice but to either surrender or come back stronger than ever ! In my case I chose the latter.
Whether or not you think your psychopath or sociopath or toxic abuser is worthy of gratitute is really neither here nor there – because at the end of the day after we have healed its how we feel inside that counts. Like the song says
“And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.”
They may not deserve our gratitude and they will never understand or care what they did was wrong and the fact that they will never “get it” doesn’t matter really!
The fact that we DID “get it” and got rid of them does ! and for that we should be eternally grateful.
I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did.
The lyrics are below
Artist’s Website: http://www.vnvnation.com/
Lyrics:
It is not love,
If love is cold to touch.
It is not belief,
When there’s nothing there to trust.
Could not submit,
Would never bring myself to heel.
Determination grows,
As each truth’s revealed.
Torn and repaired,
Just to endure it all again,
Without a reason,
For my place in all this pain.
The well-concealed,
The scars they just compound,
Until there’s nothing left,
Of what was my former self.
My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.
Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.
For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.
For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.
And if it seems to you,
That my words are undeserved,
I write this in gratitude,
For whatever good it serves.
Sometimes I wish,
That you could see me now,
In the rightful place,
Where I knew that I belonged.
Sometimes I wish,
That you might someday understand,
And close a chapter,
And lay to rest the past.
But nothing would change,
We make the best of what we have,
For we are measured,
By the actions of our lives
We bide our time,
Let the future unfold,
Like immortals,
In great legends to be told.
My god,
Look at what we are now,
Without regret,
For all the things that we have done.
Thank you for all the doubts,
And for all the questioning,
For all the loneliness,
And for all the suffering.
For all the emptiness,
And the scars it left inside,
It inspired in me,
An impetus to fight.
For the conviction,
For the purpose found alone,
For the strength and courage,
That in me I’ve never known.
To all who stood with me,
When we stood as one,
Thank you for guiding me,
For bringing me home.
And if it seems that I’m,
Obliged to say these words,
I write this in gratitude,
The least that you deserve.
wakingyouup 