Tag Archives: victims of sociopaths

Why the Psychopath can never say Sorry

Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness.  Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered.  No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship.  Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.

I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.

Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.

Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.

No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.

You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire

Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.

But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.

The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims.  In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures.  This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.

People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions.  character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.

However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is

Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone

One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again

You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done

The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so pissed me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is

“I dont know why I did it!”

So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.

As George Simon says a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.

If you look at the definition of the word sorry it  !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.

When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.

In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed.  For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.

In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.

Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.

If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a bitch” “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”

In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry.  Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on.  It will always be someone elses fault.

Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.

When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents  they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat.  Since  their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people.  If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.

In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy.  My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence.  He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.

Since rightly or wrongly in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what?   His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.

It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.

Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No.  For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them.  There is never really any proper closure.

If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths  don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.

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Filed under borderlines, character disturbance, dark souls, George Simon, mask of insanity, narcissistic supply, narcissists, psychopath, psyhopaths, Sarah Strudwick, sociopath, stalkers

Psychopaths – The Deadliest Poison of All


I recently received an email from a woman who had read Dark Souls and said that her favourite movie was “Eat, Pray, Love”. She quoted a line from the film “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.” She explained that she felt that after her relationship with her narcissistic ex she was ruined – temporarily – but now she was being transformed into someone better and healthier than she was before.

Many victims of sociopaths go through what can only be described as a transformation or a metamorphosis, whereby they decide to let go of their old self and negative beliefs that kept them stuck in relationship with such toxic personalities in the first place.

The problem is that when we first meet psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists they appear to be so endearing and appealing it feels a bit like having a quick fix. We convince ourselves its love because they so carefully managed to con and manipulate us but its nothing more than a deadly addiction to something more sinister.

The psychopath mirrors our own positive qualities such as empathy and kindness then by ticking all the boxes, they are charismatic, charming and manage to shape shift and mould themselves into being anything we want them to be, prince charming, knight in shining armour, fill in the blanks. When we first meet them we are filled with the chemical rush that comes with having been pumped with lots of oxytocin that give us a temporary feel good factor.

We might have been attractive ourselves when we first meet these predators, but being the true fakes that they are everything they pump into is an illusion and we start to feel drained and tired, we may start to feel ill and look poorly. We start to realise how draining they are on our energy as they slowly drain us of our lifeforce.

The short-term benefits of having what appeared to be the “real stuff” in terms of both affection and love starts to disappear and we realise very soon we are being fed a load of old tripe.

Energetically, it feels in the beginning a bit like having a regular dose of Botox, which incidentally I have never felt inclined to try, and then finding out we can’t afford to have it anymore. After a while we look and feel ten times worse than we did before we started having it.

As we start to take on their projected unowned feelings we become a shadow of our former selves.

According to the British Medical journal I’d say that being with a psychopath isn’t much different from being addicted to having Botox injections.

Side Effects of Botox

Writing in the British Medical Journal, Dr. Misra warned: “Robust evidence for the action of botulinium toxin (BOTOX) on sensory neurones is lacking.”

He added that “Animal experiments have shown that botulinium toxin affects the transmission of afferent nerves” and that the toxin “has been shown to play a part in inhibiting the release of neurotransmitters.”

He pointed to a study published in 2001 that found 23% of patients seeking Botox treatment at a dermatology clinic had body dysmorphic disorder, and that psychotherapy was considered the more appropriate treatment for them than Botox injections.

Psychopaths are Deadly Toxins

Most victims or psychopaths would have been far better to have left their partners and sought psychotherapy than carried on having their fix of what can only be described as a deadly toxin. Psychopaths should be treated with caution and much like Botox they cause a paralysis in our brain chemistry which stops it from functioning properly. Just like Botox the long-term effects of the what appears to be a “miracle” when we first meet them and the effects that they have on our brain, nervous system, and muscles are as yet unknown.  Like Botox,  Psychopaths might make us feel good in the short term, but they are dangerous to our health.

Botox may appear to be relatively safe.  However as I said  Dark Souls. “If I were to offer you a glass with the label “poison” on it, would you drink it? Well, the answer lies in the disguise. You would likely drink it if you didn’t know what was in the bottle. Both personalities are masters of illusion and they can con anyone. So when you meet a Dark Soul, what you see on the outside label, or the bottle, is NOT what is inside. It’s only when you drink it that you find out its poison.”

Many victims are left feeling shadows of their former selves whilst the psychopath and narcissist is so pumped up with all the attention they are receiving from their victims they feel the opposite. My own ex always used to try to come back when I was at my strongest then try to wear me down.

Having witnessed first hand the impact it has on the physical and emotional wellbeing of the victims some are unrecognisable when they have been with these predators for so long. I looked terrible when I was at the tail end of the relationship, I was tired ,  ill and was a complete mess. He on the other hand looked the best he had done for years although usually this only last when they have a victim to prey on.

However there is good news. When you leave a psychopath its a bit like having a natural facelift. With good therapy and a bit of work on yourself you’ll look and feel ten years younger and start to be back to your authentic self. When people email me saying they have put on weight and don’t feel attractive or happy anymore I tell them to be patient and not to be so hard on themselves. One woman I knew who was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and finally left when her house was repossessed was unrecognisable when her husband finally left. No longer the dependant enabler, she is full of life and looks amazing.

To prove a point I have added a before and after picture of what I looked like in relationship with my psychopathic ex and now nearly 18 months on away from them. I looked a complete mess!

Looking a bit of a mess

Happier, healthier and contented 18 months later

On a final note many victims say to me things looking back after the relationship like “I don’t know what I ever saw in them” “They are like a stranger” “I would have never chosen someone like that”.

Recently I found a picture of my psychopathic ex on the net and was shocked when I saw it. He was about 4 stone heavier than when we last met and his face was full of anger and rage. When I looked at his picture I just thought to myself that’s how you left me feeling and looking. A projected image of his authentic self. This wasn’t a man I fell in love with it was a total stranger, this was the man I should have had the foresight to recognise in the first place.

The man who had hidden himself so carefully, behind the mask.

Next time I have a relationship I want the real stuff.  Something that doesn’t offer a quick fix or short term benefits.  A relationship that doesn’t move so quickly that the the next thing you know your brain has become paralysed and you cannot think straight.  One fix and your hooked.

Its called a healthy relationship. It was at that point that I realised no more Botox for me. Like the bottle of poison, no matter how carefully disguised the packaging is, I was cured of my addiction to fake botox forever.

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Filed under addiction, narcissists, oxytocin, poison, projection, psychopathic personality, psyhopaths, sociopath